[emilin]

I guess i'm in real trouble here. I've figured out the cause of my depression, and its safe to say i'm ****ed. I'm literally about to cry here, and i haven't cried since i was in the hospital 2 years ago. The problem stems first from being truly and completely alone. My mother tries to understand me, but fails, my brother and i tolerate each other, but that's it. Before you flag me as "emo", i do have a reason to be depressed. I've been clinically diagnosed with asperger's syndrome. This put me in with the special ed students. I have no problem with special ed kids or people with some kind of mental deformity, as long as i'm not lumped with them. I got pulled out of my programming class by my special ed councilor because she somehow thought her special ed study hall would help me pass gym class. I failed all my classes but hers and got her fired. My one moment of pride there. I've seen both sides of the system, and its greatest flaw. I cannot convince myself i am not worthless. I'm decent at computers and I'm a pretty smart person but it does me no good whatsoever in this world, so why bother. And everytime someone tells me i'm not, they are lying. Our system in america is based on boosting morale and encouraging even the dumbest kid that he's better than he actually is. So now everytime someone says i'm worth anything, it's because its expected of them. Friends, family, co-workers, anybody. I've gotten a few genuine compliments back in high school, when i helped a student fix or improve something as i looked over their shoulder, but that was 2 years ago and it doesn't matter now. ****, tears coming. I can't live like this anymore. It isn't just the town, its my whole life, there's no psychologist in the world that can help me here, they all just tell you whatever you want to hear. I can't even kill myself because of that tiny niggling little doubt somewhere that maybe i'll be a tiny bit useful to someone someday. And every moment i'm not ready to kill myself that voice disappears. What i need most right now is to get someplace where no one will do that. Where political correctness is put aside in favor of merit and capability. Just to actually KNOW whether or not I have anything worthwhile to live for or i should just put the world out of my misery. I'm the proof that the system is flawed. I can't get into school despite a decent sat score and ability to memorize and absorb information, (both traits probably lost by now), and hearing every single person get told every single same compliment over and over has destroyed my self worth and self esteem. Way to ****ing go america. Way to ****ing go. I just need to vent now, before i do go over the edge. I don't know what i need really that i could get in a web forum. Not it will get better, it won't, not you are intelligent/useful/worthwhile/whatever, you don't know that. I don't even know.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Emilin!

Originally Posted by emilin

I just need to vent now, before i do go over the edge. I don't know what i need really that i could get in a web forum.

Maybe that's it -- a safe place to vent. Go ahead, throw your feelings at these pages.

[Alexandria04]

Yes, but even though I don't know you I am pretty sure this is the depression talking. Depression can tell us horrible things about ourselves and convince us that we are useless or worthless, but it's not true. It's because you have depression and it lies to you. Every person is unique and worth something, and that includes you. I hope you get to feeling better and if you need to talk to someone feel free to send me a message. Hope you get to feeling better soon *hugs*

[justfloating]

(((((((emilin)))))))))

No, I don't know you, so I can't definitively tell you anything. What I DO know, however, is depression. I know EXACTLY what it sounds like, what it feels like, the way it makes the world and the people in it seem. I know what loneliness feels like and I can recognize acute misery when I see it. So can a lot of the people here at PC, because we've all been through it or are going through it currently, myself included. So I won't tell you anything because I think it's the appropriate response, I'll just tell you what I know to be true: Depression lies. Depression hurts. You're not alone. It doesn't seem like it but depression CAN be beaten. And the strongest people I have EVER met are the ones who have to struggle with mental and emotional difficulties, because I know from experience that those difficulties can make it hard to so much as breathe. Nobody gets it who hasn't experienced it, but for those of us who have, we applaud each other's strength in facing it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It's not easy, it's not fair, and nobody deserves it. You're not alone in those feelings.

I'm glad that you were able to vent some of that here. Please continue to vent and keep us updated on how you're doing; this is a safe space for it.