[siempre nada]

Today I think I reached a new low.
I cried in the Disneyland,the happiest place on Earth this weekend all weekend. I was on a band trip and after performing we went to Disneyland for a full day. Everyone fell in groups going up, but I was alone.. In Disneyland. I ended up going on rides alone, taking the "fast pass" lanes because I was a single rider, and yeah I got on the rides quicker, but i never felt like a bigger loser in my life. Someone even yelled out "Single riders are losers!!" as I waited in line. I'd pass people from my band, and they'd either look away or whisper or even worse look at me pitifully. That's always the worst. Parent chaparones would see me eating by myself and give me that pitiful look. A look that said " I'm so glad my son/daughter isn't as f**ked up as you are, your parents must be terrible." And who could blame them? If I was on the other side (another happy band kid) I wouldn't talk to me either.
I look pitiful all the time, isolate myself, and never talk or give eye contact.
And yeah that sounds bad, but i can't bring myself to feel good enough to talk without sounding wierd, or even rally up the willpower to engage in conversation, I'm always sad and I hate it. On the bus a kid made fun of me singing
"look at me, I'm sooo sad, I cry everyday.."
and I heard another boy whisper "Stop it, she can hear you."
I felt like dying right there and then...

Anyway I hate writing long threads cause no one wants to read all of this crap, especially this self pitying, "woe is me" crap that I'm writing, but I just wanted to vent. I came home red eyed and lied to my parents saying I had a great time when my most vivid memory there was spending over 20 minutes in the bathroom crying, and desparately trying to remember anything and everything that was keeping me alive. "It's a Small World" was playing in the background..
If you read all this thanks if not I understand. Just needed to vent that's all I guess I wanted..

[Mike_J]

You are going through what for many (myself included) are the most painful years of your life. But for once I have a bit of good news, you are also headed for a big "do over" when you go to college. You don't have to run off to a big college in a far off place, any one will do. One thing I would suggest though, move into the dorms, will be cramped and sort of suck in many ways, but it will toss you into the as a whole lot of people from all over with all sorts of different backgrounds, but you will all be in the same situation, on their own for the first time, no friends at this school, just looking to get by. Gave me a chance to put so much of the misery of Highschool behind me, while I didn’t exactly become the big man on campus I did make friends and for the most part fit in, was a new and cool environment.

I think most people fall into two camps, those who look back at Highschool with fond memories or those of us who look back at it as just a horribly painful experience. Can’t do much to make things better today, but you (YOU) have the opportunity fast approaching to make a clean break with that pain, leave it behind you.

And vent away, that is one of the nice things about this site.

[*freak*]

I always cry in "happy places". They're the worst. All those people having fun, and they all have someone. Being alone definitely sucks.

This probably doesn't help in the least, but you'll never be alone here

[Lisa Michelle]

siempre nada, I am so sorry you had this awful experience!! You know, I know you see it as a "new low" but crying in disneyland is not that strange, I can bet ANYONE in your situation would have been devastated - your band 'mates' abandoned you, nobody brought you into their group and even the parents ignored you. I would say it's a low for THEM, to behave in such a disgusting way to another human being, another member of THEIR group. I feel sorry for them, siempre nada, because not one of them had the guts to be kind to you, somebody who was obviously lonely and struggling. What does that say about them, that they can see you upset and they carry on? Maybe some of them wanted to come and talk to you but were too shy or worried you how you would react, I don't know.
You did say you isolate yourself, but if somebody invited you with them on a ride or to eat lunch together or something, would you accept?
Maybe if you opened up a little more people would really like you and want to be around you..?
I agree with Mike, though, having no friends right now is not an indication that you won't ever have any, it's very unlikely that this situation will carry on. I know people in school who were "unpopular" and now have lots of friends. I think the older we get, and the more people we meet, the more open minded we are. You will eventually meet people who will suit you and you can have a group of friends with similar interests etc.

Again I'm very sorry you had such a horrible time. Your band mates and the parents let you down, big time. I can't believe no parent tried to involve you.
I'm sorry you didn't feel able to tell your parents about it, but I think maybe it would help you to share it with them, to let them be there for you, it might help.

Hope you are feeling a little better at least x

[Rohag]

Hi, Siempre Nada! Rant read. Angry at the immature ones and their petty, thoughtless cruelties. Few things worse than being alone in a crowd.

Mike_J is correct; even if your depression persists, you are soon to pass into a new social environment where you'll be starting afresh.

I'm curious (feel free to ignore the question): Did you experience any moments -- no matter how fleeting -- of fun or excitement or joy during your time at Disneyland? Did you go on any rides twice? Did you go back to get a longer look at an interesting item or view?

[SophiaG]

haha I cried at disneyland too :P

You're not alone. I had a stomache ache the whole time and had to go for emergency surgery while my family was on vacation.