[estrella]

Hey, everyone! How are y'all doing? I'm kind of stuck in a situation. Here is a bit of back story.

I do not know what to do in this case. When I joined I was keeping a few really big secrets from my family, and needed support and the courage to 'spill the beans.' I managed to overcome informing my mum about the clown, and the suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Here are some of the issues I've been facing. I've been having one of the worst times with my mum yet! And I want to be able to talk to her, or MY therapist, but I can't.

.1 The Blame Game
As I have said in the past, my older brother has a psychotic disorder, on top of his depression-- which Mum never blamed him for. Both my brother and Mum have depression, and both have told me straight on that I do not. Now, when I told my mum about the clown under my bed, I felt like I had so accomplished something-- that is, until the next day, when she decided that my negativity and gloom was the cause for these 'demons.'

She tends to blame all these sorts of things on me. All the things that go wrong, the blame tends to land right on top of me. Because of my 'depression,' as I call it, I have opened a bad gateway. And since I typically moan and crap in my bedroom, where else are these 'demons' going to reside? In my room.

On another note, I am just going to make myself at home with this one, by saying that I do have bulimia nervosa. It's getting increasingly worse after months and months of having it. My brothers used to think I have anorexia nervosa, because 'I didn't eat.' (Looking in the pantry was a clue, dudes)! But anyway, I was going to tell my mum. I had just enough courage that night to inform her of my eating disorder. I took it slow, because whacking around the bush was my best bet.

Oh, was I wrong. Instead of getting past the first line, I got interrupted. She went on to say how I was such a difficult child to raise, how it would be easier if my daddy was still alive, etc etc. In a nutshell, my thoughts lean towards the idea that she was blaming me for her health problems, that if I didn't do this ******** to myself, things would be better for her. That just shut me up, and I haven't come to terms with the idea that I may just have to tell her, whether or not there is going to be a vicious blame game involved. But right now I'm not concerning myself with that. Because I don't care anymore about myself. If I can't appear to mean much to my mother, brother, and daddy, what's the point of caring for myself?

.2 At the Therapist

Okay, so after the whole talk I did manage to have with my mum, I get to go to therapy. But I've been through two sessions already. And what do I get out of it? Not being able to talk. Want to know what my mother has done? She's taken it upon herself to take MY therapy. Yes, she does talk for me, but there are things that I want to talk about, that involve me. Not what my mother thinks of me! It's not her therapy. When she was filling out the application, she flat out told me not to say anything that she didn't know. Why, why, why? Why can't I talk for myself?

So, in two weeks, I get to have my own session. Yep, just one. My mum flat out told me another thing. 'You can go in there without me. For one week.' Yay! One bloody ****ing week. By myself. OF MY THERAPY!

.3 More of the Blame Game

I can't talk too, too bad of my mum in there. I don't think she's a bad person, but truthfully? I want to talk about the reasons why I'm always so 'depressed,' my eating disorder. But I'm under the impression that I can't mention any of that, because she would find out sooner or later, correct? I can't mention her abusive behaviour towards me, always blaming me and my brothers for her mistakes, I don't feel that I can talk to her without her blaming her ******** all on me, and better yet, I can't even confide in her what the hell is wrong with me. She wonders what, but I just can't talk to her about anything.

What do I do?

[Christina86]

Parents don't necessarily understand what we go through, and they can blame us for their problems (or blame us for our problems) rather than to take responsibility for their actions and how they've impacted us as their children.

I'm guessing you're below 16 or 17, right? That would be the only reason that your mother would be even ALLOWED to come into a therapy session with you. Honestly, at your individual session when your mother ISN'T there, ask the therapist what your rights are in terms of the therapy. Because I certainly wouldn't talk about anything with my mother (or anyone else that I know for that matter) there to judge me or talk about me!

If you're in school, there are also usually guidance counsellors/counsellors that you could talk to about stuff, right? There were in my highschool, but maybe it's different for yours. And as far as I know, legally in that situation they're not allowed to tell your parents unless you're a danger to yourself or others or there is something about breaking the law or some such other rules/guidelines.

I'm sorry your mother is abusive, and I hope you know that none of it is, nor could it ever be, your fault. Even if she says otherwise. We treat others through own issues, so your mother is treating you less than nicely because she's got her own issues she really needs to deal with. (If I could get my family into therapy, I would ... in an instant).

Eating disorder stuff is complicated. It wouldn't be helping the depression, and vice versa. If you know you're dealing with bulimia, have you done any research into how you could help yourself to deal with it in as good as a manner as possible, even without being able to mention it to your mother or your therapist?

Here to listen if you need someone to talk to, sorry for the lengthy reply.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Your counsellor will already have your mother pegged and knows exactly how she is manupulating the situation to make it about her and to try to prove that she is a great mother and that you are the entire problem.

I just hope you told the counsellor everything you were unable to say while your mother wasn't in the room...

Rhi

Your mother sounds like a very difficult person. She should NOT be blaming you at all for the issues you are going through. She should be concerned about you right now, and not herself. I'm sorry she is being manipulative towards you.

I hope that during that one week of therapy you have alone, your T will already have put together the pieces of the puzzle, and caught on how your mother is manipulating the situation. I also hope you'll be able to tell the T what your mother is doing.

May I ask how old you are? I'm just thinking, it might be very beneficial to move out of the house, and gain the independence that you deserve.

Hello, estrella. The first chance you have I would ask the therapist who he/she thinks the client is. If he/she says you, I would ask the therapist to talk to you. It is not that difficult for the therapist to say, "I want to hear what estrella has to say."

Good luck.

[Educated-Therapist]

Estrella, I'm so sorry for what your going threw, it can be rough on you and your family. I think you and your mom both need someone to talk to, and not have your mom there to talk for you. The best bet is to tell your mom how you feel when she does these things, and how she makes you feel.

I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to, I wish you the best, take care.

[Lisa Michelle]

I think you need to use your next therapy session really well (the one where you will be alone, I mean), and try to get everything out, make sure your therapist knows the situation, don't try to hide anything or under-exaggerate anything. Tell her you need to see her regularly, and by yourself. Tell her you want personal therapy sessions and ask her what she's going to do to make that happen.

My best advice is tell your therapist about your bulimia. That really is something that you need to get help for NOW because it honestly can become a lifelong illness and as you already know a life with an eating disorder is no life (I'm recovering now from 9 years of anorexia, trust me that it's worth getting help for NOW, if I could go back to being 16 and get help my gosh I would). Don't let anyone, even your mum, stop you from getting help for that.

Your mum is wrong about it being your fault, none of your mental health problems are your fault. Your mum should definitely understand more, because she herself suffers with depression, I'm really shocked that she is not more helpful to you. Keep fighting for yourself though, it's the best thing you can do right now.

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