[PizzaFish]

Not sure what the point of this post will be, and I won't ask for advice, so maybe it'll just be cathartic on its own to share?

To sum up, if the below is way too long: I have major social anxiety/paranoia, no supportive friends, brain fog, major indecisiveness, and an inability to let go of the past.

I started having major depressive symptoms in my second semester of Freshman year in college, brought on mainly by a rejection and "encouraged" by almost literally being alone, as most of my friends went to other colleges. I did live in a dorm, but it was a small suite and I didn't really click with anyone, so sometimes I think about what would've happened if I had lived in a bigger and/or more social dorm. Of course, given how I react to people in general, it probably would've ended up in the same way (i.e. little to no friends from college).

I started self-harm in my second year of college, which were brought on by feelings of being "stuck" or "muffled". I wouldn't call it outright sadness because I rarely cried but felt hopeless and, well, depressed. The worst of it happened when I was studying abroad -- feelings of depression, desperation, paranoia, which I "coped" with by binge eating and more self-harm. Amazingly, however, all of my symptoms just suddenly cleared up in my senior year when I started working almost full time; I think it was because I was constantly around people who I got along with fairly well and I felt that I was being productive.

Fast forward to now, I've fallen back into depression, mostly because I can't get a job and can't even decide what I want to do with my life. I got through college even though I had severe problems because I've always been naturally gifted with a pretty good intellect, but even that has been taken away from me because of my indecisiveness and brain fog. I can't even read an academic paper now without either losing attention, being unable to comprehend the words, or having to read it 3-4 times before finally understanding a simple sentence. I've given thought to going back to school, but even that is an impossible task because, like I said, I can't decide what to do, and I'm worried that I won't even be able to understand anything.

Socially, I'm a trainwreck as well... Most of my friends are neurotic or depressive so none of them have been particularly helpful to talk to, and the well-adjusted ones are usually unavailable. I've even had a friend tell me recently that she would "log off [from IM] when it got to be too much" -- needless to say, I don't talk much to her anymore.

I've also recently fell out with a few friends who I had hung out constantly with for the past year or so, mostly because they too had been unsupportive or even, ironically, unfriendly. None of them save one have initiated any sort of contact with me, and the one that did (three weeks later) was actually really offended because that I hadn't been talking to HER, and issued me an ultimatum, because I was the one being the bad friend! These same friends have also said things like, "We knew something was wrong while we were together but we didn't how to bring it up," which really frustrated me. I know I have a habit of putting words and thoughts into other people's mouths, but the way they treated me made me feel like they saw me as a toddler having a temper-tantrum and would give me a "cool-off" time instead of talking to me as an adult.

I have been since trying to make new friends through Meetup sites, but every time it comes down to it, I get cold feet and don't even make it out the door. Some of the time it's because I'm afraid of rejection, and then, paradoxically, most of the time I'm afraid of attracting creepy or unsavory people. (I have a pretty sad track record of creepy and mentally unstable guys liking me and internet-stalking me, which is why I'm so averse to meeting new people, especially in certain contexts.) I've been trying to get a friend to go with me to these meetups, but she always backs out on me and I never make it there alone. In general, I also have mild agoraphobia; meeting one new person usually isn't a big deal, but being in a wide-open space (like a store) or a crowd makes me dizzy and extremely uncomfortable, and sometimes I won't go out for weeks at a time when I'm feeling particularly fearful. Sometimes I don't see people for so long that I sort of forget how to talk and end up trying to say something simple in long and rambling word salad.

I also can't stop thinking about somewhat traumatic events in my life (even if they happened more than 5 years ago). For example, I've been snapped at by teachers in 4th, 6th, and 7th grade, once for being too eager, once for commenting about the amount of homework, and once for "always drawing the same thing." I've also been bullied as a kid (who hasn't, though?) and have never learned to stand up for myself; my "best friends" were actually the school principal and the school janitor.

Lastly, I have tried to see a psychologist/therapist before, but I never learned to trust her as she seemed to be very judgmental, and she had a facial tic that I actually acquired as part of my anxiety! I've been thinking about getting therapy since then but am tired even thinking of the effort it would take to find the right therapist for me.

If you've made it this far, thanks so much for reading. I'm sure not all of it really made sense or flowed, but feel free to comment or criticize (but nicely, I don't take criticism well =\).

[Tatiaz]

Hey-
I totally know how you feel. I thought I'd gotten over being depressed until my work and life - load lightened significantly. I, too,am out of a job at the moment. Perhaps it's that I have less distraction and am seeking it, but I've realized how few friends and support I have. Which feels very isolating. I haven't tried meeting people, though I consider joining this online forum quite a feat.

Glad to have met you on here. I think you're on the right track by posting how you feel. Everyone has been so wonderfully kind and supportive on this site..

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I won't give advice as you have made it clear you don't want it by saying you won't ask for it. So good luck I hope you find resolution with proper medication and therapy

[PizzaFish]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

I won't give advice as you have made it clear you don't want it by saying you won't ask for it. So good luck I hope you find resolution with proper medication and therapy

Hi Rhiannonsmoon, I wouldn't mind advice, but I said I wouldn't ask for it because I often get nervous and go into defensive mode when I check my threads, if I end up checking them at all, either because I get no replies or really unhelpful/insulting/offensive replies. That's why my forum mentality is to be nonchalant - it's more to do with feeling like a loser than actually not wanting any advice.

@Tatiaz, I'm so glad I'm not the only one! It's funny though, college by itself was a fair amount of work anyway, but I really didn't feel better until I had a job along with it (which was part time, but I worked overtime A LOT on purpose). Now that I think about it, I still wasn't 100% well, but I was leaps and bounds better than when I wasn't working. Weekends were still killer, though. I think part of it is because we feel like we're achieving something (even if it's just money) and it's validating, not just distracting, maybe?

[ericmaciasexhausted]

I'm a young 30 yr. old and. I've been really depressed,sad,confused,rejected,humiliated,torn down and lost all my hope a really long time ago? I'm an accident waiting to happen. I've lost the best person that. God had in his image I can't live my life without him in it?! I am a sad and lost cause of a human being. I can't do anything good anymore and anyway just wanted to stay with him.

[SophiaG]

Pizzafish you sound so much like me. All my friends went to other colleges, I spent my first semester alone in a suite dorm. I keep attracting losers for friends and having trouble keeping the good ones.

I definitely empathize here.