[lemonzest]

Look down the list of request for help, for answers, for hope and it's depressing. Add another post to the 100, 000 already here - like a screaming astronaut accidentally cut lose from his craft - there's no hope of being heard. It's easy to feel insignificant when you feel you leave no imprint, no footprints, no lasting impression in the world.

This is how it gets me some days. I actually want to keep this as short as possible - I don't want to be here writing this.

One summer when I was waiting for some exam results I worked with my uncle, a jack of all trades but essentially a brick layer who could plaster and do other fitting jobs (electrical, water, gas) - I worked with his gang of 6 on a contract they had to erect 6 new houses but we did odd jobs on other days and one of those was some work on a farm putting in massive stone gate posts, fitting new gates, re-pointing walls in farm buildings, laying a concrete base - I was given the task of digging out the pit for a sheep dip - a 6ft deep trough with ramps leading into and out of the deepest part. The dip was located in the muddy corner of a field of clay. I worked for days on that and ate my sandwiches in the nearby hay barn, falling asleep on a few occassions with all the exertion and sun. One night I noticed I was scratching my navel a lot. Looking down I was shocked to find a pair of black pincers waving about. I couldn't kill or pull the damn thing out - the harder I tried the worse the inflamation. The uncle I was staying with called a friend, a chiropodist, who called round. She identified the creature as a sheep tick, probably picked up from my nap in the hay barn - ironic considering that I was digging out the dip where sheep would be treated with chemicals to kill ticks and other infestations. She proceeded to cut it out with a razor sharp scalpel and fill the navel with antiseptic cream all the while giving me a long , and possibly fascinating, talk about sheep ticks - the latin name, habits, diet, lifecycle, parasitic effect on sheep. Much like what I name as the depression I feel today I'm not really interested in its name or nature - I just just want it out. I don't want the label "boy with the tick", I don't want to recount the "sheep tick" story.

I've sunk like a stone today, I knew as soon as I got up, I am tired - 3 or 4 nights late to bed (2-4am) - last night I was reading a book I'm enjoying until 2am - I knew at 12:30am I ought to turn in but didn't and maybe I'm starting to see that I should regret that. My head is very good at stringing a set of events or thoughts together to make a signpost that points to some hopeless conclusion of hopeless destination in life. A 90 min meeting with an agency about work in all areas I have qualifications and/or experience turned from faint pre-meeting optimism to post-meeting depression - sure you have 17 years experience working on software projects, design, development, team leading, project management, etc but people out this field for 2 years have almost no chance and you've been out for 7 years. 3 years full-time and 2 years part-time experience teaching in primary (5-11 for 2 years F/T, 2 years P/T) and secondary (12-16 - 1 year F/T maths) - you're neither one nor the other and we are swamped with newly qualified teachers who, in the current economic climate, seem to have a definite edge in securing the full-time positions - you'd make a really good carer. That is the absolute last thing in the world I'd want to do. It happens frequently - I summarise my life like a lens bringing everything into sharp focus and think everything I ever did, ever worked hard on or tried at got me to this place, this moment, this situation. Some days I have things to work on, ideas and I feel I can put my effort into some plan of action or do something useful - other days I stand in a room and think I have nothing useful to do - everything I have left to do seems pointless and trivial. All this happens to coincide with small things I'm doing going wrong, e.g. DIY projects. What do you do - scream pointlessly in your helmet, take it off or drift helplessly? Maybe I should go back to bed for an hour and get some sleep but I don't want to do that - I want to try and get this f***g DIY project sorted out.

[BugsyMalone]

Hi lemonzest,

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I'm new here, and fully understand what you mean about the many posts - this is my first time in the depression forum and I was staggered at just how much there is. There are lots of people feeling this way, sadly.

But please do keep on posting - it's not just screaming in your helmet, there are people reading the posts and I really believe that sharing can help.

Sometimes I shout and scream over little things, sometimes I throw stuff around, sometimes I just sit on the couch all day. But coming on here and talking today has been a million times better than any of those.

Good luck with the DIY! What are you doing?

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by lemonzest

. . . sure you have 17 years experience . . . but people out this field for 2 years have almost no chance and you've been out for 7 years.

I had a roughly similar meeting once upon a time. It was one of the most classically depressing moments of my life. "You're stale" is what they said (if memory serves).

I'm sorry, Lemonzest. I hope some DIY successes buoy your spirits.

[Perna]

Whoa, Nelly (or lemonzest in this case :-) You're not looking over time, each day there's much fewer posts and threads active. We're actually a nice "little" community at core, ambidextrously warm and responsive

I'd go with working on the DIY project since that's what you "want" to do and it's your life and I wouldn't regret the extra two hours reading last night, other than, gee it's too bad we can't always have both :-) Go with what works for you in your world! I enjoyed reading your post, loved the sheep tick story for its personal detail, how you shared yourself with your reader through it.

Good luck on the job search; I have a good friend who just got a programming job after 19 months of no work but he's "commuting" between New York and Maryland every weekend ("lives" here in Maryland, the job is a 6-month thing in mid-state New York). I can't say I'm sorry to be retired in these difficult days.

[lemonzest]

Originally Posted by BugsyMalone

Hi lemonzest,

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I'm new here, and fully understand what you mean about the many posts - this is my first time in the depression forum and I was staggered at just how much there is. There are lots of people feeling this way, sadly.

But please do keep on posting - it's not just screaming in your helmet, there are people reading the posts and I really believe that sharing can help.

So everyone says - I like talking but I don't really share much in the way of personal stuff, especially on-line so I don't really feel the "sharing can help" thing from my own experience - maybe if I'd have done it more I'd see the same thing. Perhaps. Sometimes I don't want a converstion about how I feel - I'd much rather find something else to talk about. I think. But I also think that not putting things into words is part of the problem.

Originally Posted by BugsyMalone

Sometimes I shout and scream over little things, sometimes I throw stuff around, sometimes I just sit on the couch all day. But coming on here and talking today has been a million times better than any of those.

Good luck with the DIY! What are you doing?

Actually that went okay today - the special gun and fixing bolts I ordered came today (the day after I ordered them) which surprised me and I manged to put a couple of bathroom cabinets up - 16kg each when empty, on some partition walls (plasterboard). First attempt 2 days ago I overtightened some screw-in type fixings - they gouged holes in the wall and came loose so I had to patch those up first thing and try again - most DIY jobs I think should take 2 hours end up taking 2 days - and it's not that I'm not good at it - I think things through. Anyway all done now and I just want to bolt lots of things to walls now.

Also managed to write a 2nd verse to an oddly structured song I'm working on (and half of the 3rd verse) and I'm pleased when that happens as you just never know when the words and ideas are going to come together.