[Evening]

This is probably going to turn into an incredibly long, drawn out rant as per usual so if you've had enough of my violin music, heed this warning.

I have been stressing out about soooo much lately, and I've just noticed, my hair is falling out again. It started only within the last week, with this possible job in perspective. Initially I was pumped with excitement, now a lot of realisation has set in and I'm stressed. What if I give my hopes up and I DON'T get this job? I'm stuck with enough to pay my rent and average food to buy, and that's it. I'm never going to get anywhere with this. So here I was drooling over this concept of more income. Until. I realised that I may only get a few hours and an average pay. The money that I'm getting now for being unemployed will be reduced with the more money I earn as well. Plus, my living expenses will go up by approximately $100 a fortnight because I will have to stop relying on someone in my family paying my bills, plus I won't be concession so my bus tickets will cost twice as much. My acne medication my also go up by twice as much, and I really need to start eating better because I'm eating pretty average and I have to lose this weight, get more energy and reduce this stress with a better diet. So I'm still going to be screwed unless I get a decent pay or work 2 jobs. I'm only 22 for God sake, I shouldn't have had to worry about rent an bills and buying food for the last 5 years.I'm not going to be able to study either. I need to buy a bed, I'm sick of this mattress on the floor. I need to buy blankets, it's still winter and I'm freezing every night. I need new pillows, they are falling to pieces as well and make me sleep badly and give me neck problems.

I can't sleep properly, I'm awake all night, no matter how many times I try to change that, I keep waking up while I'm sleeping during the day because of all the noise and people phoning or messaging me. I have nightmares all the time, I keep having dreams about my family every night and I'm getting fed up with it. I dream about them because I haven't spoken to most of them since March, they have been the cause to so much of my stress and drama. I don't want to see them.
I have this fantasy of running away, just packing my bags and starting a new life and becoming this great person, and I have really considered it. If I wasn't so attached to the house I live in I probably actually would do it.

I'm stressing about how I look, my teeth are so bad that it's really getting to me now. I was told to go to my doctor because there is apparently a scheme I might be eligible for that can provide free dental if your teeth are causing you issues and you can't afford to fix them. I'm too scared to go because what if it's not true or I'm not eligible or they can't make them LOOK better? My bottom teeth aren't straight, I grind them a lot and they've worn my top teeth down. My top teeth sometimes feel like I've hit a nerve when I grind them, and sometimes I get my tongue or mouth caught on my bottom teeth. If my bottom teeth were fixed that wouldn't happen and I also wouldn't grind so much. God I'd do anything to have them done. There's also the matter of managing to be AWAKE in the day to get to the doctor to see if they can make a referral. If it's not a possibility then I don't know what I'll do. What if it IS possible and I end up not being eligible if I get a job? Having PTSD and severe stress and BDD all contribute to how I feel about it and my constant grinding.

I also failed at my diet and gained all the weight back. Then on Facebook today one of my cousins had lost a bunch of weight, and my other cousin commented and called herself a fat ***** because she weighs 53kg. Now I weigh nearly 60kg, so what does that make me? I am hoping if I get this job it will give me more exercise as it's something that will keep me on my feet, and I'll be able to manage what I eat better because I won't be home doing nothing all day, plus I can limit what I eat at work by only bringing certain things. But that's all of course if I even get it, and if I work enough hours. I might even hear from them for a month or two, so it gives me more time to think and stress. What if they forget me?

I've also been invited to a friends 25th and a relatives 21st, both on the same night, both drinking. I just can't go, I can't stand other people's drinking anymore, it's driving me insane, it's just a constant trigger for me. So I have to get out of them both. I told my friend, he hasn't responded after quite a while so I wonder what he's thinking.
My mother was invited to a family BBQ this weekend, I wasn't invited, and she was told 'we no longer drink at BBQ's and such'. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about that has made me so angry. I think the reason I can't work out why it's made me so angry is because I don't actually know why they no longer drink. Is it because my aunty (who's with her abusive manipulative fiance and no longer speaks to the rest of my family) gave my 14 and 16 year old cousins a bottle of bourbon each and my family were pissed about it? What about when it was asked that no alcohol was drunk at my 21st so that my mother (who's been into rehab) could come along, and nobody listened and my birthday was ruined because I spent the whole day hiding inside and then got into a fight with my aunties fiance at the end? What about the fact my mother was in rehab and can't be around alcohol anymore and they still drank anyway? What about my constant points of there's always too much alcohol and what if the younger people start getting drinking problems too? Nobody did anything then. But of course when I'm no longer around, everyone decides to stop. My grandparents home used to be my safe point, I wanted to stay there all the time, I always felt safe and comfortable and (I think it's just struck me), it was the only time I was treated like a parent should have treated me- there was food, safety, I could have baths without having to ask, my grandparents would buy me things. Then as I grew older I became more aware of my grandfathers drinking, then he beat me when I was 15, and my relationship is now tarnished. It's not that safety zone it once was, I have made the mistake of wanting to go there and regretting it as soon as I have because my grandfather drinks every night.
It's hard for me to have any friends with all this drinking, everyone I know drinks and it is LITERALLY impossible to go anywhere with a few people without alcohol now, it is a necessity for everyone and I hate it.

The other thing that's really starting to hit a nerve with me is the fact I can't have a relationship with a guy, even though deep inside I want it, I can't fully admit that to myself because I'll over think it and my past will get in the way again. But everyone I know is getting in relationships now, it makes me so miserable. I even go on these people's profiles and see what they are like as a person so I can convince myself they are nothing to be jealous of.

I just have this constant list of things I stress about, it's exhausting me. Getting a job and a reasonable income will reduce a great deal of that stress, hence the reason this job is causing so much for me. It's going to hit me hard and probably cause a relapse of my breakdown if I don't get it. I'm just so exhausted, I know exactly what I am envisioning for my life, and although it's simple, I don't know if it's possible. Can I go from what I came from to a comfortable life.

I need to admit to how much I am actually driving myself nuts over.

*Food
*my weight
*my hair
*my teeth
*my ears
*my body
*alcohol (even though I've never touched it)
*people being better than me
*people getting further ahead in life than me
*people looking better than me
*people having more friends and being more accepted than me
*getting a job
*having a reasonable income
*not sleeping properly-constantly waking, being restless and sleeping in the day, nightmares, being cold, not sleeping comfortably
*relationships
*not seeing friends
*my overall health
*my past still haunting me
*what people think of me
*not being able to travel while everyone else I know is (in the last year one persons gone to america, two different people are about to go to america, one person went to sydney, one person is moving to queensland one person when to europe, 2 different people have gone to asia)
*my mother apparently not drinking or doing drugs anymore, but seeming as though she's high a few times
*not seeing any family
*my aunty marrying a quack and not seeing the fact he is plotting to destroy her life- he's convinced her she's too depressed to work so she relies on him for income, and has convinced her our family is against them so she wont talk to us, so once they are married his true colour will come out and she'll have to way to get out
*my younger cousins not heeding all the advice I desperately gave them for years to not drink or do the wrong thing, and now they are turning into yet more screw ups (I can't think of a nicer way to put it)
*not being able to study
*a fear of having to move out
*constantly hearing chainsaws in my neighbourhood from trees being cut down (this almost drives me nuts because I can't stand them being cut down)
*constantly worrying I'm going to bump into people I'm trying to avoid
*I get worked up at the drop of a hat if someone insults me or gets angry at/in front of me
*not being able to keep my house clean
*needing to buy things I might not be able to afford even with a job
*biting my nails when I've been trying to grow them, yet another failure
*having to try and prove myself to feel good
*my job program ending and weeks later still not knowing whether or not I'm going back on the same program (which I want) or going somewhere else and having to start all over again (I definitely DON'T want)
*not being able to see my therapist when I should be seeing her
*not being able to get my drivers license because I can't afford that on my own and my cousins who are younger than me getting theirs
*my cousin copying me with a lot of things to make herself look better
*always being nervous at night and especially when I go to sleep
*getting nervous on buses that seem to be driving too fast (I get really edgy in 'fast' cars and buses as my mothers abusive ex drove like a lunatic)

That's what I can think of at this point, it's 3:30am and I'm finding it difficult to type as well. But my stressing is a constant, literally 24/7 thing. I'm so used to it, I don't think I have ever realised how I actually feel. This job could be a breaking point, and so all I can do is stress until then.

[Rohag]

Hello, Evening!

My years of attempted socializing are far behind me, so little substance supports my thoughts here.

I want to believe that somewhere in your area there's a out-of-the-spotlight society where alcohol has no place. I can't know if it exists, but if it does, I hope you stumble on it.

[Evening]

Thanks, I don't think there is anywhere I will fit in unless I start drinking, and seeing as alcoholism runs in my family, I can't stand the sight of it and I've been told by numerous professionals not to touch it, I can't really see that happening.
Also, I don't think this thread really fits in the depression forum as it is about suffering from severe stress and not knowing how to cope with that, rather than me being depressed.