[justfloating]

Haven't been around much lately. I'm not sure why. I haven't felt like I'd be of much use to anyone so I've been staying away. My self-esteem plummets more and more every day, which is weird because I do not feel depressed otherwise. Not in the usual way. I don't think about how I feel, if that makes sense. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to really sit down and feel anything beyond my own business. I have two sets of grandparents to look after, three younger siblings, a job (but not nearly enough hours so I'm broke), and I'm taking my GRE exam tomorrow. I'm probably not ready for it -- I haven't studied nearly as much as I should -- but I am looking forward to just getting the stupid thing over with. My parents (90% my dad, really) have been on my back about this exam for the past YEAR. I can't think about things that far in advance!!! My dad doesn't get that, because he's a natural worrier. He FRETS, and he doesn't understand people who don't. He fixates on something and won't trust me to make my own decisions without harping on about it, and I know it's juvenile but the more my parents bug me about something (even though I know they have good intentions), the less I want to do it. It's getting to the point where I can't walk into the same room as them without being asked about my GRE, grad school applications or what I plan on doing with the rest of my life. "I don't know" is apparently an unacceptable answer. It is also unacceptable to base my decisions on what will make me happy (or to stay away from things I know will make me miserable). I understand that I need to graduate, get a job, earn a living and start a life. But after coming so close to ending my own life, my priorities have shifted. It's essential to my health that I do something I can at least tolerate, because regardless of the eventual payday I have spent the past three years studying for a degree I'm not interested in, and if I can't have at least one good year doing what I WANT to be doing -- whatever that is -- before I get into something more permanent, I'm going to explode. There has got to be a way to put bread on the table without making myself miserable in the process. I just need to figure out what that is. But factoring "will I be happy" into the equation apparently doesn't worry my dad, who just thinks I'm being immature. I think I'm trying to look after myself and keep out of the dark place I barely escaped from the first time around.

I'm so ready for the summer to end because I need to get out of my house and get back on my own and get some breathing room. I know I'm never going to come to any decisions about my life while there are people trying to push me in different directions. I've tried to tell them that but I know that my parents are just worried about me. It takes everything I have not to get angry at them for doing what parents do. I'm entering my final year of university this fall and the very idea scares the heck out of me because I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get out. I don't even know what country I'll be in ... Canada, the UK, the States ... I don't like not knowing. I don't like not having a plan. But every time I try to look ahead, everything gets so fuzzy, almost like there's nothing to see at all.

[Rohag]

((((((( Justfloating! )))))))

If I read your post correctly, your parents, particularly your father, are not at all open to the idea your illness needs to be factored into your future plans. What might convince them? (As always, no need to reply to my nosy questions.)

Anyway, wishing you the best...

• for the GRE
• for family interactions
• for the future!

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by justfloating

Haven't been around much lately. I'm not sure why. I haven't felt like I'd be of much use to anyone so I've been staying away. My self-esteem plummets more and more every day, which is weird because I do not feel depressed otherwise. Not in the usual way. I don't think about how I feel, if that makes sense. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to really sit down and feel anything beyond my own business. I have two sets of grandparents to look after, three younger siblings, a job (but not nearly enough hours so I'm broke), and I'm taking my GRE exam tomorrow. I'm probably not ready for it -- I haven't studied nearly as much as I should -- but I am looking forward to just getting the stupid thing over with. My parents (90% my dad, really) have been on my back about this exam for the past YEAR. I can't think about things that far in advance!!! My dad doesn't get that, because he's a natural worrier. He FRETS, and he doesn't understand people who don't. He fixates on something and won't trust me to make my own decisions without harping on about it, and I know it's juvenile but the more my parents bug me about something (even though I know they have good intentions), the less I want to do it. It's getting to the point where I can't walk into the same room as them without being asked about my GRE, grad school applications or what I plan on doing with the rest of my life. "I don't know" is apparently an unacceptable answer. It is also unacceptable to base my decisions on what will make me happy (or to stay away from things I know will make me miserable). I understand that I need to graduate, get a job, earn a living and start a life. But after coming so close to ending my own life, my priorities have shifted. It's essential to my health that I do something I can at least tolerate, because regardless of the eventual payday I have spent the past three years studying for a degree I'm not interested in, and if I can't have at least one good year doing what I WANT to be doing -- whatever that is -- before I get into something more permanent, I'm going to explode. There has got to be a way to put bread on the table without making myself miserable in the process. I just need to figure out what that is. But factoring "will I be happy" into the equation apparently doesn't worry my dad, who just thinks I'm being immature. I think I'm trying to look after myself and keep out of the dark place I barely escaped from the first time around.

I'm so ready for the summer to end because I need to get out of my house and get back on my own and get some breathing room. I know I'm never going to come to any decisions about my life while there are people trying to push me in different directions. I've tried to tell them that but I know that my parents are just worried about me. It takes everything I have not to get angry at them for doing what parents do. I'm entering my final year of university this fall and the very idea scares the heck out of me because I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get out. I don't even know what country I'll be in ... Canada, the UK, the States ... I don't like not knowing. I don't like not having a plan. But every time I try to look ahead, everything gets so fuzzy, almost like there's nothing to see at all.

Hi Rebecca,

Welcome back...
I can really relate to your post. Especially where you say, "there has got to be a way to put bread on the table without making myself miserable in the process." I know how this feels. I'm not working right now and feel completely stopped (I guess sort of stopped by my massive own self-doubt). I enjoyed what I went to undergrad for, I want to pursue it but it all feels like a sheer rock wall I am trying to climb. My past jobs really made me feel awful and all I want is to be able to go to work without hating my life because of it. I guess when you have depression this becomes more than just a nice thought, rather it becomes a necessity (to follow your heart). I'm sorry to hear your parents have been putting such pressure on you. It is so not helpful and I can totally relate. Sometimes I want to say to my parents, "look, it is utterly impossible for anybody else to put more pressure on me than I am constantly putting on myself - so can y'all just chill?" Ugh. Even though things seems a bit up in the air now I hope you can get into a groove when you get back to school. At least then you'll get some time to yourself.
Maybe when you get there you could find a therapy group?
Sending many good thoughts and wishes your way.
E

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))

[turquoisesea]

((((((justfloating))))))

It's good to see your posts, always happy to see your name =)
I know you've been through a LOT in the past years, between school and home and never feeling right at either place. And trust me, I know the feeling that you'll be stuck in a horrible job you don't want. At least those were my words. The thought of it makes me personally want to shrivel away and give up. I think you're right to look for a job you're OK with.

Here's what struck me:

I understand that I need to graduate, get a job, earn a living and start a life.

You're living NOW. And 5 years down the road, will you be living better if you're a bit poorer because you took a while to find a job but have one you like, or will you be living better because you have a job you hate but a bit more money? What is the life you want to start? Your life is already started. Live it =)

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Elana05

My past jobs really made me feel awful and all I want is to be able to go to work without hating my life because of it. I guess when you have depression this becomes more than just a nice thought, rather it becomes a necessity (to follow your heart).

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

...5 years down the road, will you be living better if you're a bit poorer because you took a while to find a job but have one you like, or will you be living better because you have a job you hate but a bit more money? What is the life you want to start? Your life is already started.

I just wanted to highlight these passages from Elana's and Turquoisesea's posts. They contain much wisdom.