Where do you get your motivation to go through the motions of each day? I used to do it for my brother because I didn't want him to get hurt by seeing exactly how I was feeling inside but now he has moved out and I have no reason to even get up in the morning.

Last month, maybe, I was in hospital almost every week with self harm and overdosing because the men in my head had more influence over me. I want to get back to that point because, I am ashamed to say this, I like the whole going to hospital exerience apart from telling the receptionist what I have done and having to talk to the other patients. I don't care that the nurses treat me like an idiot or the psychiatric team dismisses my pain. I like the hanging around waiting, the tests, getting stitches, being put on a drip, sleeping there. I like to be taken care of physically becauise no one knows how to take care of me emotionally and that makes me feel like less of a human.

Now I am home alone I am free to overdose and self harm as much as I like, provided I can find someone to look after my cats if I overdose badly enough to require an overnight or couple of nights stay in hospital. That's the tricky part. I could ask my neighbours but i'm a bit scared. Sadly, i'm so desperate to overdose that I am willing to pay £12 a night to put my cats in a cattery. I just want to feel ill and for someone to take care of me. Both of my parents are dead and I have no close family apart from my brother so no one other than myself can take care of me and I don't want to have to do it myself.

I had such an amazing time recently when the men in my head were almost in complete control of me. They had plans to kill me but no one was taking me seriously (that wasn't the good part.) They came close to killing me but luckily or unluckily I manage to regain some control and I went to the hospital. There was an incident going on so I had to wait around for a while. That was the first time I was put on a drip and it was good although it made me very sick. It was good because I was ill and they knew the antidote whereas I am mentally ill but no one knows the antidote.

I am scared that I will get it wrong and will get liver damage and/or die. I have to be here for my brother because I am among the very little family that he has left. I am the only person that he is close to. So I will continue to fight this as much as I can. Everyone in my care team knows how I am feeling but it seems that they can't do anything to help me. I'm not allowed to be admitted to hospital because my last psychiatrist said that it doesn't help me, although my new psychiatrist might think differently. Even though that is the case I don't think that the psychiatric assessment team would contact my psychiatrist because they assume that they know me so well now that they think I don't need to be hospitalised.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let that out and be heard. I feel so low tonight that I could kill myself without giving my brother a second thought. My local crisis team only works until 10 o'clock and i'm scared to call them anyway. I've tried phoning a helpline before but didn't find it beneficial because they weren't used to talking to someone who has men inside their head. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of living like this. Sorry if this is long.

Can no one help me? I feel like a hopeless and helpless freak.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by littlelindsay

Where do you get your motivation to go through the motions of each day?

Near-mindless inertia supplemented by occasional impulsive urges. That may be overstating my situation, but it often feels that way.

Originally Posted by littlelindsay

That was the first time I was put on a drip and it was good although it made me very sick. It was good because I was ill and they knew the antidote whereas I am mentally ill but no one knows the antidote.

You make a good point; the medical profession knows how to deal with all sorts of "mechanical" issues, but mental ones...

Originally Posted by littlelindsay

I'm sick of living like this. . . . I feel like a hopeless and helpless freak.

I'd never call you "hopeless and helpless" and certainly not "freak", but I can't condemn you for how you feel. For better or worse, I've grown used to not being used to my depression. Maybe I'd have more hope if I could regain a painful sense of disgust at myself, at my condition. I don't know.

Care to tell us more about the men inside? (As always, please don't feel pressured to share anything you don't want; this is your thread.)

Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.

The men in my head started out as thoughts I couldn't control, thoughts that were being put into my head by others but gradually they grew into people in their own right. When they are in control they make plans to kill or harm me and they usually go through with their plans until I regain control and stop them. I'd like to allow them to go through with their plans but I have to stay alive for my brother. Right now the men have gone but they have gone away in the past and come back. I hope they come back and plan to harm me so that I can be ill and get some care.

I just want someone to look after me and the only way that can happen is if I am physically ill. My OT keeps asking me why, at my age (23), I still want someone to look after me when I am old enough to look after myself. It's because I wasn't really looked after when I was younger, I did all of the looking after. My Mum died when I was 14 and my Dad died in June of this year.

Thanks again for replying. It helps me to feel less lost and alone.

[WikidPissah]

Hey Lindsay, sorry about the crappy feelings...they suck big time. I get the part about wanting to be taken care of...I have a long history of suicidal gestures and self injury...but you really need to find another way of getting that need met. Pseudo-suicidal behavior is dangerous, and you are taking a huge risk. Never mind dying, there are things worse...like loosing brain function and like you mentioned liver/kidney damage or failure, wearing a diaper the rest of your life etc. I have met so many suicide-gone-wrong people, and it's freakin scary. It sounds like your psychiatrist and T aren't doing their jobs too well. I have a son your age, so I really feel for you. I hope that someone steps up to the plate and actually helps you...you deserve to have a life, family, kids, etc. As far as the voices, I understand that too...there are medications that can help with that. Maybe you can call your psychiatrist and ask for a crisis eval? Tell him you are in danger and you really need a medication adjustment.

I've just had my medication increased. It has pushed the men further down or maybe they have gone away completely. I have an impulse to overdose and i'm not sure if it's the men who are pushing it up from their depths or not. I don't want them to leave me.

I've been thinking about the negatives of overdosing and going to hospital: the risk of liver failure, the pain, being sick, being judged, not getting much sleep, the food, having to talk to the other patients...but I still want to do this so, so much. I have figured out a way for someone to look after my cats for a couple of days. I should just overdose. I can't control the urges and I feel like I can't really control how I respond to them. They won't go away until I overdose.

I spoke to someone from the crisis team last night but it only made me more determined to overdose. I think the men in my head are presenting this idea to me because I have never had such a strong urge. I'm trying to hard to fight it though because I know that there are no guarantees with overdoses and I don't want to hurt my brother.

[Rohag]

Littlelindsay, I hope you win this fight and not the men (whether or not they go away). Please keep posting. That crisis team is there for you; try not to hesitate to contact them.

[justfloating]

((((((((((((littlelindsay)))))))))))))

I don't know what to say except that I hope you continue to fight the men and that you do whatever you have to in order to stay safe, for yourself, your brother, your cats... You are an important and valuable person and it must have taken a LOT of strength for you to be such a caregiver in your family from such a young age. I know what it's like to have people depend on you that much, it's a very heavy burden to bear. I too wish that I could just be taken care of for once. Please be safe.

Thank you, but I don't think I can hold on for much longer. The medication I am thinking about overdosing on supposedly only causes increased side effects in overdose and it has done in the past, I just need to take more to get the same effect. How can they not expect people to overdose when it says that side effects include feelings of elation and of being drunk? I'll hopefully be fine. I don't want to do anything more than get out of life for a little while.