[ltlredvett]

I just wanted to write a quick note to thank many of you that have taken the time to respond to my posts. I know I haven't always been the easiest person to communicate with as I know I have been "stuck". I take absolutely no offense to any of your posts that were trying to give me a swift kick in the butt and encouraging me to move on.

I am just not sure what course I am going to take. All I know is that the more time goes on the more that I want to thrive again.

I just spent the weekend with my kids, the second one in a row since my ex was off on a business trip with her significant other. Its real interesting when I have a little more time with my kids than the every other weekend visitation. We seem to cut through the surface things and they open up a lot more, especially my daughter. I recognize and understand the very critical and important role that I play in her life. I provide her with stability, with a steady and calm influence that her mother does not provide. Her mother is simply just too insecure, too emotional and too manipulative and my daughter sees that.

I realize now that I have to try and place my focus on my daughter and son and not on my own needs and wants. I know that I was the victim of a series of life events that affected my life forever. I also know that these events catapulted me into an abyss of self destruction and wallowing in self pity. And, of course the depression.

I know that I spent a lot of time on this board whining about a lost relationship. On the one hand as time goes on I realize what a gem I had in this woman and I realize the depth of the love I have for her, despite my actions to the contrary.

But, I know that my primary role is to be the best father I can be to my kids. My challenge is how to do that when I am so lonely and miserable when I am not with them. But, I will have to try and suck it up and get through each day for them.

I am just so very frightened. Because I know now that my self-pity resulted in me letting so many things go as I walked down this path of self destruction. I know that subconsciously I wanted things to get so bad that I had no other choice but to take the easy way out. And, now that I have been so successful in making things that bad for myself I don't want to take the easy way out. I really don't.

I wish I could turn the clock back so that I would not have taken this path. I wish that I could turn the clock back so I could be flourishing in my relationship with her. But I can't. And that is what is the most scarey to me. Why did I have to be so dman good at creating this situation for myself. The time has come and I don't want the result that I have been planning for.

[heidu]

Vett,
I was glad to read this post. It sounds like you have been doing alot of thinking and prioritizing. It also sounds like you have some good things rolling around in that head of yours :O)

These are 3 of my favorite quotes and I want to share them with you.

Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion Mason Cooley

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. Carl Bard

Take care of you and then you will have SO MUCH to give.
Hugs,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm glad Vett.......you are very special and have a great deal to offer. You will find a way out of your spot and move forward, esp for your kids.

Take care of yourself.

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

Hi Vett: I get from your post that you ARE making progress on the road to recovery, and that's wonderful - well done! I know that we all still have a lot to do, but every journey begins with a single step, right? Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>