[Shen]

So many times I have questioned whether or not depression is actually real. I get so tired of hearing.."they didnt have a name for it in my day.. we just got on with it" or "people only feel ill when you give it a title.. ADHD.. (THEY say) is another fancy name for a naughty child etc". -So its hardly surprising that I have lived with Depression for the vast majority of my life, starting with a diagnosis of PND when I was just 19 (I am now 38) but I am aware due to "odd" behaviour as a child that I have probably had it since very young.

But what is so special about me? Please understand, my comments are not a put down of anyone else's problems, ONLY my own. But I often wonder if its all in my head. Ive been through many traumas much like everyone else does in their lives. In my family I have had, still births, a suicide, an alcoholic, post natal depression, sexual, physical and mental abuse, and the list goes on. I am on my third crappy marriage which I have no intention of getting out of yet as I couldnt possibly manage. In fact, thinking about it, ive never actually been on my own (without a bloke in tow) since I was 18. Not even for a few days. Thats very very wrong. My sister is exactly the same and lives with depression as I do. Only she most of the time, handles it better than I do. I dont even want to talk about my problems on Forums like this (yes, its my first time of giving insight into the crappy world of me right now) I feel that people have enough crap of their own and really dont want to know anyone elses troubles. I should be trying to cheer someone up, not depress them further with my shite. Thats how I was known to my family. The entertainer. The singer. The comedian. The one they all turn to when the crap hits the fan, or when the chips are down.

So whats problem? Well, one of my friends from a long time ago, died yesterday. She was 34 and had throat cancer, leaving behind 2 very small children, one of them only 11 months old. And i look at myself and think... pull your god damn self together!! She WANTED to live.. but wasnt allowed to. Cruelly snatched away many years before her time. Me? Im chucking it all down the pan, feeling sorry for myself, waking each day wishing I wasnt here. Basically wasting a good life. I feel so ashamed of living life the way I do. Almost a hermit. No friends at all, I lost them all a long time ago. Ive gone from a Professional singer / entertainer to nothing. My son has gone to live with his dad as he cannot cope with mum any more (thanks to the encouragement of his father) He is only just 14 years old. My daughter is probably the only one keeping me alive every day, but she is 18 and will soon move out to start her new life. And so she should. I just feel like an embarrassment. I never leave the house, and thats how I like it. I shouldnt feel like that.

Im so sorry for plonking this on you, if you have managed to read to the end and not got bored. Dont feel a need to reply. I just wanted to vent a little, and it is my first time venting. I just feel so deep in that black hole that nothing will ever pull me out. Ive had this for many many years and tried every therapy going. Both medicinal and ongoing. Maybe its not working because its in my head and I just like attention. Is that it? Maybe it is. Maybe, im just another sob story looking for an eternal shoulder to cry on. There are people out there with real problems, just like me, they get on with it. While I get depressed.

[NuckingFutz]

Yeah, depression is a real medical illness. We don't have to go by "back in my day..." anymore, there is help.

Been in that pit several times now.

Tragidies in our lives can be triggers.

Welcome to the board, excuse my spelling and I hope you find the help that you are looking for here.

[garden]

Shen, unfortunately, depression is all too real with its ups, downs and twist. Don't think of it as another sob story. Think of your being here as you speaking out and trying... to deal. We all have many things in common. Take care.

[Rohag]

Hello, Shen!

Originally Posted by Shen

"they didnt have a name for it in my day.. we just got on with it" or "people only feel ill when you give it a title.. ADHD.. (THEY say) is another fancy name for a naughty child etc"
. . .
My sister is exactly the same and lives with depression as I do.
. . .
Thats how I was known to my family. The entertainer. The singer. The comedian.

Interesting. Parents dismissive of your feelings, a depressive sister, a special role to play. I think a "family systems" psychotherapist might find some professional fulfillment in analysing your whole family -- grandparents, parents, siblings.

Plonk on us all you want, Shen. You have a right to your feelings, regardless of the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts".