[Purplechick]

I phoned my duty team on Fri in the early afternoon but by 5pm no one had rung back - they were busy, I get that, but I never phone for help cos talking on the phone freaks me out. I wish someone had rung me. Cos I was ready to be honest with them.

I was feeling sui. Have done on and off for a couple of weeks now. I can be fine, flat, no feelings (my usual emotional state), then I can be high, buzzy and productive then I plummet down to despair - I feel agitated, nervy, fluttery tummy etc..........then a voice says "Go on, get on with it, take the pills." I pace around, I fidget, I feel really uncomfortable. My stash of pills are somewhere awkward so I cant get them that easily............my hope being that it buys me some time.

I have written a crisis plan for myself that the cmht have a copy of and I follow it through each time. It has strategies on it like go for a walk, distract etc.

But at the moment I daren't go for a walk, even tho it helps, cos I get the urge in my head telling me to walk in front of cars. Which I do. Reckless.

Ditto, I cant go for a drive cos I will be reckless too and that's not fair on other drivers, is it?

Generally I either self harm (cut or pick) cos it acts like a release valve for me or, more productively, I go round to the old couple next door who let me sit there until the agitation goes away.

So friday, I started to get agitated, I can tell quite early now when the feelings are coming. The voice was saying "Go on then....you have the chance.....hub is collecting your son....you wont get another opportunity for a while.....get on with it...."

I normally collect my son after school but hub had said he would.......I sensed the opportunity......

So I phoned the cmht, asking to speak to duty, was told they would ring back and went to the neighbour, as I have done before, as per my plan.

But this time I knew her hub didnt really want me there. He was grumpy and wouldn't chat. And she kept saying "What you agitated about? I'll knock it out of you. You've nothing to kill yourself over." She means well, I know this, she is a god send to me, but it didnt help me at that point.

So I went home.

And took *******************.

Just to act as a valve.

I knew it couldn't overly harm me, just made me feel a bit sick today. Especially cos it was combined with some wine and my usual meds.

Silly cow. Just a gesture. A stupid act.

But scaringly easy to take ***** just like that.......expected it to be a harder thing to do........could've easily taken more just then but hub came home at that point.......and had to look after my son on my own today so had to be OK..........

No idea what I am expecting anyone to say but feel I need something.......

Thanks

[Rohag]

Hello, Purplechick! I think your post is an example of an excellent Incident Report.

• Account of events and actions taken prior to the crisis
• Description of the specifics of your emotional state and references to their onset and duration
• Reference to and brief description of your personal "crisis plan"
• Account of actions not taken and why
• Description of "release valve" actions
• Description of the triggers and crisis itself
• Description of post-crisis state

Were I a member of your CMHT, this is exactly the kind of report I'd like to see. It can provide the basis for effective post-crisis analysis and care-management adjustment. I'm glad you had the clarity and energy to compose it. And I'm especially glad you are here to present it.

[lonegael]

Agree with Rohag. Can you tell your CMHT what happened and give them a copy of this? This sort of thinng does need to be taken seriously. A "gesture" can be deadly. A plan without some key support doesn't work so well. maybe it's time to forge a new crisis plan, knowing what can come up with a crisis that nullifies the other strategies?
So glad you are here. HUGGGSSSS and stay safe, dear.