[justfloating]

If I open my mouth I'm going to scream. Slept for 21 hours yesterday. Haven't done anything today. The darkness of my thoughts is scaring me. Can't put them into words, they're too terrible. Too much self-hatred, anxiety. Can't be around people, can't concentrate, can't even sit up for more than a few minutes without tiring out. I'm safe, just unwell. I need to go back to sleep. It's the only thing that brings me any peace, any quiet inside my own head. I need to wait it out like I always do but this is the worst it's been in a long, long time.

[turquoisesea]

((((Rebecca)))))

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Does your therapist ever do anything over the phone? Maybe that could really help if that's possible. Have you gotten an appointment?

I know you know so many self-care tips, etc. Just remember to be nice to you. I'm thinking of you and wishing for you to feel better soon <3

[Lilleth]

Wish I could give you some words of encouragement but I have none your words describe how I am most of the time and its been really awful this whole year, only moments of peace is sometimes when I sleep but then you wake up and it all comes back. I Just want an end to it and to feel normal dont even remember what normal feels like anymore

[justfloating]

I'm doing better today. Took me about 5 hours to get out of bed and get dressed (I had to lie down for another hour after that because showering sucked up all my energy) but I made it to the library and it turned out to be a very productive afternoon for me. The bad thoughts are still nagging at me but I'm slowly managing to rein them back in. The thing with my depression is it's extremely cyclical -- I go for weeks without noticing it until it hits me HARD, lasts anywhere from a few days to two weeks, then it relents again. I also know it has a lot to do with the weather, which has been miserable lately. I was lying in bed yesterday thinking that in terms of where we are in the year, I'm right on schedule to have another attack. I'm finally starting to come out the other end of this particular episode, thank goodness.

I can't get in contact with my T over the phone and I haven't made an appointment with her yet. I was going to do it on Friday but I couldn't get out of bed, so that didn't happen. :s I will definitely do it first thing tomorrow morning, though. The depression tends to keep better track of how much I'm neglecting my health than I do. This latest episode has been a VERY harsh reminder that it's been a while since I had any therapy, not to mention the chance to relax. I'm going to make a dr's appointment too. There's a med I've had added on to my current one to get me through rougher parts of my year, like winter and around exams, and in the past it's been a lot of help. Hopefully that and getting back into my light therapy will help.