[Myzen]

Hi folks,

This is a serious thread subject, although the title seems a bit strange.

After watching Romero's 'Land of the Dead', I felt a strong feeling of analogy with idea of the film. The zombies in the film were dead, but they had a memory of what they did when they were alive and still tried to do those things, to be 'alive' in a clumsy, shadowy, way.

This feels so much like my own depression. Since my breakdown 8 yrs ago I have tried to 'come alive' again in many different ways, just as if I was a zombie trying to remember being alive. It is as if I am copying myself, as I remember myself.

At the time of the breakdown was I teaching, running a business, writing for publication, restoring an old house, and then - crash. Now I am able to manage short bursts of creativity, just a few days or even a few hours, always followed by exhaustion. It is as if I have forgotten how to live.

That is why I often call myself a 'survivor'. Maybe zombies are the ultimate survivors?

Myzen.

[(JD)]

interesting myzen. I've often felt, when sorely depressed, that I was "just going through the motions." TC

[CedarS]

The analogy works well. Zombies are disconnected from themselves, dead walking, operating on automatic. And the specific idea of being only a shadow of our former selves, of mimicing what we used to do but not really getting it right, all intriguing too.

Myzen, what you describe also reminds me of the -as if- technique. Useful skill, to act -as if-, even if we are not fully there yet. Fake it til we make it. Not a bad thing at all, maybe it is like starting up our motors, practicing, doing it til it is more natural once again.

Do you have a decent doc, have you been screened for the usual physical suspects when it comes to exhaustion? Anemia, thyroid etc?

We can work on our zombie walk, the zombie moan will be fun to do too. And the desire for braaaaaaaaains, sometimes brains is what I lack, sometimes I cannot even think straight.

Best wishes,
Sarah

[oofti]

I definitely believe that things like that are often intentional on the part of the authors/director/etc. Typically in horror movies the most moral person will live while everyone else is killed. Have you seen Shaun of the Dead.... this would be an excellent follow up film for you.

[(JD)]

doot do doot do do do DO doo... if I only had a brain...

[lenjan]

Like your sig there, oofti.

Myzen, I forget if you're on meds -- maybe you need a tweaking. I feel the way you're describing when I'm in the abyss, but a goodly portion of the time -- 85, 90 percent even -- I'm able to get through the day without having to "go through the motions." It took me years to find the med cocktail that would allow me to do this, though! (Sorry -- I know that isn't very cheering.)

Too, I either create or get fired, so I pretty much have to do it whether or I want to or not -- but I can tell when I'm "off."

Just do what you can when you can and don't be so hard on yourself.

Candy

[jmo531]

Myzen,

It is amazing how alike we are. I sometimes try to "act" like I thought I used to before I had my "breakdown". I forget how I was sometimes. I miss me sometimes and sometimes I dont. I often think that my "previous life" (prior to my dx) is what led me to my dx in the first place.

I hope that makes sense.

(((((((((((((((((Myzen)))))))))))))))))

[Myzen]

Hi Everyone,

Judging from your replies, it looks like the 'zombie' analogy is something we can all relate with.

Don't worry too much about me, though, I still have some life in me!

There are still some good times to be had, although much rarer, and some victories to be won. Without doubt, the biggest victory for me in recent years has been staying on this forum.

I also believe, from the quality of the posts here, that we are not always going through the motions, we are genuinely in touch with each other - hearts and minds. That's where the zombie analogy fails of course.

Good thoughts, M

[Perzephone]

Sean of the Dead was such a great flick!

I've known I was a zombie for a long time... I'm sort of waiting to see what body part will eventually fall off.

I've been acting 'as if' I was alive for so long now, but I don't think I'll ever really feel alive again.

[(JD)]

wow myzen thanks for the thoughts.