[Mustkeepjob32]

Hello all,

I posted on the intro forum, but I want to post here.
I'm 32, gay, (sorta out), living in TJ, Mexico and work in the US in the healthcare professional. Instead of us having a nice life in a nice apt/house as I make OK money, I am stuck here in my partner's mother's house which is falling apart and there's no heat or hot water. I can live with that, it's just silly that this middle-aged Mexican woman knows my job and that I earn in dollars, and yet and essentially as poor or poorer as her.
The reason why I have no money and go further in debt? I can't hold a job. I am absent more than I'm there due to depression and anxiety. The last five years has been complicated because I drink a lot on my days off to forget and I think that makes me more depressed. I am trying to give up drinking for good but the idea that I will never feel a relaxing buzz again is scary as I believed that was the only good feeling in my life. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life normally.
I have suffered from depression/anxiety all my life. A large part has to do with my birth defect called hemifacial microsomia where I have a left deformed ear nad jaw. I feel stupid all the time that 32 I still am acutely aware when people are looking at me and always scared for people to see that side of me. I should have dealth with that by now. I had numerous surgeries as a kid but the surgeon didn't really know what he was doing. Now that I have scar tissue in my ear area, the best surgeons won't operate there. There are prostheses and things but you have to insurance which I just got recently but have never held a job long enough to go through with the process.
My Mom and Dad have supported (mostly my Mom) over the years with this suffering but everytime I have a bout with depression/anxiety and miss tons of work she is incredulous and upset. This last time she called and told me to just go to work and be better. I talked with her yesterday and told that I didn't and she just made me feel horrible. I told her after ALL these years, doesn't she know that just simply saying "buckle up and go to work" doesn't work?
Some days I just want to cry and sleep, I don't know how people live this life. I have so much debt, no credit, can't even have a bank account because I have not been able to pay things, because my inconsistent income.
I'm seen therapists/psychiatrists all my life and tried most everything...right now I see occasionally a psychiatrist in TJ who is good but the meds she gave me were like $250 a month. I have a new job and now have insurance and will try to get a psychiatrist in the US so the cost of meds will be less. This is if I can keep my job long enough, I've missed so much it's unbelievable. So far they haven't fired me, but if I keep missing they will. I need a saving grace on work. If I worked, I would feel better about myself, earn money, do more good, maybe not worry about my car breaking down, or paying some debts.
Just for the record, I am taking the following:

Pristiq 50 mg daily
Epival ER (depakote) 500mg twice daily
wellbutrin 150mg daily

Another stressor is I recently was arrested for DUI which is very scary. I've never had a criminal record or anything. We will see what happens with the process.
I just hope I have a future and that when I feel better, I will able to feel those small moments of bliss even without alcohol.
Thanks for reading all to those who are still reading!

Me

[anjelmarie]

Sorry your going through so much. You may want to look and see if they have a mental health association in or near the town that you work in. They may be able to help you find a psychiatrist and therapist that won't charge very much and you may even be able to get your medicine for free if you don't make a lot of money or for a small fee. When i wasn't working they helped me out. I am unable to work myself, i couldn't hold a job either due to depression and anxiety. I hope you can get some help for yourself. Best wishes to you.

[SophiaG]

Try going to AA meetings. I think if you straighten up the Alcohol problem that other problems in your life will be easier to solve.