Losing the battle.

I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. Grew up in a family where you were considered weak if you took aspirin for a headache. Saw a couple of therapists, briefly, when I was young but thought I could do it on my own and prove I was strong.

Pretty much dropped out of all social activities my senior year of high school. Didn't get my picture taken because I "didn't plan on being around". Somehow, I toughed it out mostly because everyone told me college would be better.

College wasn't better. I went off and on because I would get depressed. Had one good year, I think, when I first came out. Then all the old thoughts started coming back. Never did graduate.

I've had about 40 different jobs. I would get depressed and stop going into work. After a while I would be able to motivate myself to try again.
I can't anymore.

I finally started taking meds in 2004. I've been on many. Some of them help a little, but none of them are "happy" pills. Usually, they stop working after a while and they switch me to a new med.

In 2006, my best friend died of cancer at the age of 33. She wanted to live. I don't. I wish I could have died in her place. After she died, I had a "breakdown". I wandered from state to state for a year, convinced myself that I was receiving messages from God, stayed in homeless shelters and couch surfed and was hospitalized twice.

I eventually found a friend who I hadn't pushed away or lied to who was willing to let me stay with him. I found a counselor who I connected with and she encouraged me to apply for disability.

That was 3 years ago. That counselor got a different job, I've moved to a different state and now I've been denied disability.

I don't want to participate in the world. I want to be alone. I don't like the world.

I still have an appeal pending for disability but at the level I'm at I've read that only 2 or 3% of people are successful. I'm living with an amazing friend that let's me stay with him rent free and getting food stamps, but I think the food stamps will eventually require me to work if I don't get disability and I don't think I can. I worry that my friend will tire of me and that I will become homeless again.

I don't want to be around people. Nothing makes me happy. I see nothing but servitude and unhappiness in the future. I want to be alone, really alone. I would be satisfied to have an apartment that I never/rarely had to come out of. That's not going to happen.

I started seeing a new counselor when I moved here. She was young and inexperienced. Knew nothing about the disability process. Refused to offer her opinion about my ability to work. I thought about getting a different therapist from day one, but kept going because it was easier. Then my lawyer told me I should get someone new.

I've got that appointment Thursday. Scared that this new person won't be a "fit" either. Scared of telling all my crap to someone new. Scared that they won't believe me. Scared that they won't support my disability case. Scared that they'll ship me off to the hospital (which is the opposite of being alone). Scared that I'll end up homeless (which is the opposite of being alone).

I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live either. At least, not in the world as it is presently constructed.

Hello & Welcome, Chaddiwicker! You're bearing a tremendous burden, yet you posted here -- thank you.
I also dread that day.
That's familiar.

My deepest regrets on your friend's death. I'm glad you have a friend who apparently understands something of your condition.

Chaddiwicker, did you go through a lawyer the first time you applied for disability? I understand from your post you have a lawyer now, yes? Is that lawyer preparing your appeal?

No need to answer my questions. Please keep posting.

I think it's appalling how difficult it is for people with mental illnesses to get disability from the government. I wish you luck in your endeavors and you have nothing to lose from telling your "stuff" to the new psychologist. Heres to hoping this one will try to help you get disability.

Thank you for your response.

I did not have a lawyer when I initially applied. I got a lawyer for the ALJ hearing, which I was denied at. My lawyer asked, I think, 2 questions during the whole hearing.

I have moved to a new state since then and got a different lawyer. She is currently preparing a brief for the Appeals Council.

Chad,

I can relate to the comments about not liking this world. I think generally people are not good...where I used to think most people were good. Like you, I don't want to die but I don't want to live if this is life.
I've had a milliion jobs like you because I get depressed and anxious and can't handle it. I've had many therapists and psychiatrists and tried almost every antidepressant out there. I keep falling.
I am working now, but not really. I haven't been to work in almost a month just because I'm not doing well. I have so much debt that I wonder what's the point. I am too weak to try the disability or bankruptcy process. Family doesn't really understand. I cry all the time, like I can't control it. I am too chicken to actually try to kill myself.
Your post at least makes me feel like I'm not alone and that there are others who have had work problems like me. I always think if I worked all the days I was supposed to and earned the money and paid what I could pay for, I would be happier. But that's not a guarantee I guess.
That is great that you have a good friend that has helped you out. That just shows that while the world might not be a good place to live in, there ARE still good people in it.

Z

If my post helps you feel even a tiny bit less alone, I feel a little less ashamed for having written it.

I am very thankful for my friend. He is more than I deserve.

I can relate to what you are going through. I have been plagued by depression all my life I do work I force myself to go but only because I spent most of the younger part of my life on income support and living in temperory housing. Most mornings I wake up I dread facing the day I cry. Most day when I open my eyes and realise I am still alive all I can think is oh God why have I woken up. I have debts and am trying to pay them off and although they are not sumountable it feels like I am drowing simply because all they do is hound you for money. I dont know what to say to you that could be of comfort but at least by comming here you know that there are others who are going through the same situation. The World scares me I dread waking there are good people in. I have good people in my life that care for me but it how we feel inside about ourselves feelings we cant control the make our lives so awful. Wishing you well