[11PM]

Hey ya'll. First a little backstory-

I'm 22, atheist. Sort of channeling a Carl Sagan personality if any of you are familiar. I'm deeply fascinated by reality and the future, technology and the way things work. I think that this universe is more beautiful than anything else I can imagine and makes perfect sense. I don't worry about dying and really focus on just being the age I am. I am complete and unified with my peers and surroundings. I had plans to write a book eventually about being contented in every moment. I had an unmatched patience, because my thoughts and I were unstoppable. I'm also an artist in all mediums. I had experimented with marijuana back in high school, but I did it in moderation on these Epic mountain bike treks. I was toying around with a Vegetarian thing for 2 years, still don't eat pork or beef, and chicken is only in moderation. I am extremely funny, a deep thinker, caring, loving, and loyal. I'm down for anything and I'm in good shape. I'm on good terms with my family and live close. I work full time and I'm good at what I do, my customers love me and I have the most perfect beautiful girlfriend inside and out. I would die for her, and she me.

I have been getting really nasty migraines for 4 years, the kind where you vomit and can't do anything but toss and turn on a bed till it's over (usually a few hours). I don't know if that's related. It did begin to impact how I looked at long road trips, I felt like if it happened out of town I'd still have a responsibility to get back regardless of how I felt.

Well anyway, my problems all sort of began one night driving in the car with my friends. They were being silly and laughing, and then the wheels came off in my head. I yelled at them to all shut up, I turned on the radio, and tried to get control of myself. I couldn't admit that I needed to pull over, I thought that would just give more credit to the feeling I was losing my mind. I don't know what it was, it was like I was thrust deeper into the now than I thought was possible, and like I had simultaneously lost control of my train of thought. My friends all found their own way home that night and I haven't been sleeping right since. ( I was shaky for the next two days )

I have had panic attacks before, but this one took the cake. Before I could just shrug it off and focus on something else, but this one changed my entire reality, altered my consciousness seemingly, or at least my thought process.

But everything was still... okay. I would have panic attacks at night at lot, and during the day sometimes, I had driving anxiety, but everything else was good. But 2 months in I couldn't sit down and watch a movie without having nervous twitches and being restless. 4 months and I couldn't focus at work.

And then suddenly the depression struck. Like a lump in my stomach. Nothing was something I wanted to do. My computer, my games, my art, my books, my pets, my food, my bike rides. Nothing. Just looking at all this stuff and knowing how I should feel, the reasons I should feel that way, and the benefit of doing those things, none of it made any difference. It just made me cry. Worst of all was what I felt like it was doing to my Girlfriend. We have such a good life together and so much ahead. I keep apologizing because I have lost her boyfriend somewhere and I cant bring him back. It's tragic, like part of me died. Nothing brought this on.

Without happiness life sort of feels like it's lost all its mystery. Without Creativity I have nothing to do but sit around and feel weird. I don't even feel like eating, but I make myself do it.

I feel like sometimes my mind goes blank, like I'm braindead. Forcing myself to think about something, anything, usually makes me feel a little nauseous. But then it will all come back, usually with anxiety, but like I said that's at least... livable. On rare occasion I will be 100% myself. Once or twice it's been with a migraine but otherwise great, but yes in fact I have felt myself again, but it only lasts for like, an hour at best.

I used to be different. I miss myself. I miss my girlfriend. I miss everything about my life.

[nice girl]

That's rather a sad story.. Im sure u will recover from what ever u are going through..
Keep up the good spirit in u..
All the best in life..
Tk cr..
God Bless..

[racee]

I don't know.....do you see a professional? you know what helps me is writing down facts, even if it seems so minut....it helps bring everytrhing into perspective into the bigger pictureif your visual have like a stroy board going on tracing everything together where all this has stemed from...i'm not a doctor nor a therapist so all i can do is make guesses and i'm poor at that!

headaches...migraines...you know it took 10 years and i figured out on my own i was getting cluster headaches and that is what set off my anger...i didn't know i was getting them because i have been in severe chronic back pain for most of my life so whats a headache pain compared to that. but it was the headaches that made me infuruated it was like a switch went off and i couldn't control my rage than my rage triggered my panic attacks..bla blah long story i'm just telling you an example of how i wrote down all these little facts in order to come up with my own findings. little things in life even of they are small can trigger something. it's kinda like (probably a bad example) how you can eat corn or whatever all your life than one day boom your allergic to it for no apparent reason...it happens and it happens a lot and vice versa.

bad thing with anxiety is we feed into it than it makes it worse. and it's hard to control and anxiety medication will actually in turn give you more anxiety (endless loop if you want more info i can go into specifics of how it works) best thing to take is Gaba at the health food store...but you really want to know the root of the problems and not just mask the symptoms.
good luck....if you ever need to talk.

[Michah]

Hi 11pm,

Yes, these times of "down" when usually so productive can be soul destroying. Where have I gone? What do I do? Why do I not "love" as I used to?....if you get my meaning.....

The thing is, or so I have observed in myself, is that I am still me but "less" of me in those times. I call it "existential angst" and this can definitely lead to anger, depression, futility and intense and unrelenting frustration.

You mentioned that you are an atheist, but without entering into a discussion on that topic, I wonder what kind of spirituality you do have in your life. I have found that ignoring my "spirit" or pretending it does not exist (being a scientist by nature) has led me to very dark places. I have ignored a vital part to me, my humanity, with dire consequences.

I could be way off the mark here and I deeply apologise if I am. I do not like to jump to conclusions. But what I do know, is that you are loved........

So, dear person, love thyself and all else will follow.

Take care,

Michah