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#1
Dec 20, 2010, 09:05 AM
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Seasonal depression tends to kick my butt this time of year. I am depressed anyway and then this just throws it over the top. The last two winters my Pdoc just threw her hands up and tossed me inpatient. Last year when I got out I was supposed to set up an appointment right away. When I called she said she would no longer work with me or my son. From the very beginning she had me on atypical antipsychotics. Being inpatient last year brought child protective services into my life... Where I live if you are involontarily committed they take your kid... I was trying to find child care to go inpatient not resisting when the cops showed up. I was put in cuffs and loaded into the back of the police van thing with a scary dude they just arrested in front of my son and neighbors... I wasn't resisting... I HAD to find child care!!! Anyway... The courts find out I don't have a Pdoc and assign me one... disaster! So... My summer was hell until I could get my kid back, get the courts out of our life and find another Pdoc. Having been a foster kid, going back into fostercare rather than staying with his aunt and uncle also screwed up my poor son, again making life significantly more difficult.
So... Now winter is here and I did not have the summer to build up a safety net. I do have a new Pdoc who I love although she is hard to get into durring a crisis. Welbutrin made a huge difference within a couple of days of starting it but then it bottomed out... we upped the dose, great for a while then bottomed out... We just went to 450mg a few weeks ago and things weren't great but I knew that without the meds I would be having sui thoughts (I have never had a plan unless someone asked me how I would do it and then I felt obligated to come up with a way to answer the question... love being Aspi. I have never had an attempt)... But now weird side effects so I dropped back down to 300... And the depression has lunged violently at the opportunity. Other than making meals I have not been out of bed in so long I didn't know what day it was. The fact that my son doesn't have school makes it even harder to keep track. Wellbutrin is the only thing so far that has made that big a difference. I am SO scared about possibly not being able to go back up to 450 or worse have to go off of it all together. My T has decided that all of this is "too messy" to use her words so she doesn't seem to be an option. Even before I was "too messy" all she would do is tell me to go to the ER... But if I do that again I lose my son forever. It doesn't help that my house goes nuts when I get sick. My dog gets pika from anxiety, my son thinks it is fun to see what strange and often dangerous things he can get her to eat. She then gets sick all over the carpet and forgets that she is house borken and does know how to ask to go out. He is autistic so his stimming and negitive behaviors skyrocket and my cats are attacking eachother. My house is usually such a tranquil place and now when I need that the most it is pure chaos. And when my son is stimming none of my friends/supports will have anything to do with us because his behaviors are gross. Within the past month he has been booted out of two respite homes. And thanks to school I can't take him out because his hormones are kicking in and the school won't enforce appropriate behaviors so... he does innapropriate things to strange women in Walmart. AAAAAK OK, can my Pdoc call now? 
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There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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#2
Dec 20, 2010, 12:27 PM
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Dear Omers,
Quote:
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My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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 Omers
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#3
Dec 20, 2010, 02:55 PM
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I wish I lived closer to you, Omers. I would happily help you take care of your son when you need to be inpatient. I am sorry that it is so difficult for you to find the support and therapy you need. It is dark now but the sun will rise again. You are a smart person and I believe in time you will succeed.
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The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
| Omers
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#4
Dec 20, 2010, 03:29 PM
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Hello, Omers. I hope the psychiatrist calls soon too. You are in my thoughts.
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#5
Dec 20, 2010, 04:00 PM
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Pdoc is unavailable until Jan 3. Have a call into T but typically she does not return phone calls... SO... have a massage T appointment tomorrow which will help... but have to bring my son with me. BTW... my massage T works with her clients with their clothes on so it isn't like he will be exposed to anything inapropriate.
I appreciate everyones support. It feels like IRL I am always the strong one and no one seems to know what to do when it is my turn to fall apart. Tried to talk to my only local friend last night and he said, "well, they will just put the kid in an institution. Time for me to go to bed"!!!!! I would be lost without PC right now. Thanks everyone.
__________________
There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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