Today is the first day of the rest of my life *click*

I wrote a poem some months ago when I was having great difficulty in my relationship with my Finacee. Iit's untitled, but i'll list it here:

I want an open
blazing
naked sky
Her hair
glittering with the jewels of a billion
listless suns.

I want the perfumed reek of smoke
wood-fired
snatched away
by way of crisp, wet-air
that streams for the waves
and bustles around us -
warmed by fire and the heat of the other
nestled within the thick confines of blankets.

I want you
(reaching deeply)
to kiss
and in so doing
feel your breath
catching in your throat in a way
that would make the wind
envious.
To shelter your cheek in my hand
and find myself
opening sweetly
to your warmth
and your breath...
your breathing.

I want to feel
all that is,
move around us
and be remade
as if time existed
for this moment alone
as do we.

Now some background on the poem.

I have dealt with depression and dysthymia all of my life. But there was a brief moment of about two years when I had crawled out of it. I had left a bad relationship and was living on my own... doing my own self-work. It was a time I remember quite happily because I was completely sober. Although I have never been one much to dabble with chemical substances (other than caffeine), I have used addictions to numb myself down and help me deal with my daily depression. (sex, online games, spending money, etc.). During those two years, I had stopped doing that. I relished every day, and was very, very content.

But I don't idealize it. I had other things that needed working on, some of which I was unaware of. I was still very young, after all (early twenties), and I come from a very sick and dysfunctional family.

A good female friend of mine and I started dating then. The relationship started slowly and gradually progressed over some months. I felt, as I felt in that poem.

I'll post a little more later looks like i'm out of time on here for the moment... (stuff to do) I guess this thread will have to be continued....

your writing is beautiful and i'll be here to listen, when you have time to post more. xoxox pat

good... waiting for more

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East_of_Eden said:

Now some background on the poem.

I have dealt with depression and dysthymia all of my life. But there was a brief moment of about two years when I had crawled out of it. I had left a bad relationship and was living on my own... doing my own self-work. It was a time I remember quite happily because I was completely sober. Although I have never been one much to dabble with chemical substances (other than caffeine), I have used addictions to numb myself down and help me deal with my daily depression. (sex, online games, spending money, etc.). During those two years, I had stopped doing that. I relished every day, and was very, very content.

But I don't idealize it. I had other things that needed working on, some of which I was unaware of. I was still very young, after all (early twenties), and I come from a very sick and dysfunctional family.

A good female friend of mine and I started dating then. The relationship started slowly and gradually progressed over some months. I felt, as I felt in that poem.

I'll post a little more later looks like i'm out of time on here for the moment... (stuff to do) I guess this thread will have to be continued....

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Continuing on...

Eventually the relationship didn't work out. She had signed on to join the army 4 or 5 months before we started dating and was on delayed entry because she wanted to have time to enjoy her summer. I knew this all along and it was only supposed to be a summer fling. (Perhaps that was the reason why everything was so laid back and natural... there were no expectations). We grew so close, however, that she even considered backing out of the military just so she could stay with me. I discouraged her, wanting her to live her life. When she left, it was like I had a piece of myself torn out. We tried to make it work long-distance, but I wasn't able to handle the seperation and became clingy and smothering (past family issues).

That was five years ago.

What followed after we broke up, was a backslide into old habits and addictions. I spent money like it was water, played online games for hours on end. I had a 3.5 gpa and after a two years, I graduated with a 2.6. I couldn't cope with life.

And I find myself there today still.

The power and grip of depression and addiction astonishes me. I'm sure many of you can relate to this... but I have tried again and again to "fix myself". I've tried twelve-step, therapy, medication. I get better for a while, but ultimately I fall right back into old habits. I used to sit in silence and enjoy my life for hours. Now, I can't last a few minutes without the TV, or radio on. I have to distract my waking mind constantly, or else it may shift on to just how miserable I am now.

I feel like my life is a broken record. Today, I'll change. *cllick* Today, I'll change *click* Today, I'll change *click*

To complicate everything, I am in a relationship that started off as extremely unhealthy, and remained so for at least two out of the three years we've been together. Things have improved, however my Fiancee and I struggle still with all sorts of issues. I know that I am terribly depressed and it affects everything in my life. All of my relationships... my work... everything.

And as a mental health professional, I know exactly what "needs" to be done. I am painfully aware of the steps that I need to take in order to have any hope of climbing out of this pit that I find myself in. But some of those choices are very, very difficult, and I must admit, I am afraid to take some of the steps that may be necessary.

Which leads me back to my poem. I want to be able to feel like that again. Or to feel anything again besides a constant, steady numbness.

I'm here as a step in that direction. I welcome any comments or support any of you may offer. I likewise am appreciative of these forums and the ability for me to post things when I feel I need to vent.

Thank you all for "listening".