[nonameneeded]

Not really sure if what I'm feeling is depression or something else, but I guess it's worth posting here.

Hi, I'm nonameneeded and I've been feeling really down and worried about my life lately. I moved to Mexico City about 16 months ago and have enjoyed it for the most part, until about November when I felt a lot of anxiety and sadness about my relationship with my best friend.

At one point I had had feelings for her and she knew it, though I'm over those now. Regardless, I felt ever since that we had been drifting apart and it just made me feel terrible that I lost a really close friend.

Eventually when she started talking to other people more, I felt really isolated and began to cut myself on the hand. I confided in her and some close friends (I take psychology and want to study psychology in college, so it really freaked me out).

Ever since I told them though, I've felt my friendship with those people drift even further, to the point where last week I probably exchanged less than a paragraph of conversation with any of them in person. Anyway, I cut myself tonight for the first time of 2011.

I'm not even sure if I should be posting here. I've made an appointment to see a therapist here for Tuesday. My parents don't know about any of this. I've told them before that I've had issues (related to a breakup about 21 months ago, that I managed to work through) and went to counseling then. But I could tell it really unsettled them and they ended up blaming themselves, which only made me feel even more terrible when I was working through it. So this time, my plan is to keep them as uninvolved as possible and try to work through it.

I thought I could do this, go to therapy, stop cutting, and finish school, but I don't know if I can anymore. I know I've grown dependent on my friends, who seem to be moving further and further away. When I tried to tell them that I less close, they said it was all in my head. It may very well be, but I don't know, it's just frustrating. I know it's something no high schooler wants to deal with, but it's also been incredibly sad for me to see them actively avoid talking to me even after I told them this.

I feel more and more like there is something wrong with me, but I don't really know what it is, which just makes me more worried. I'm nervous that the therapist will find something wrong with me too, something that I could wind up dealing with for the rest of my life.

I don't know, I can still function through the day just fine for the most part (managed to go three or so weeks during the holidays in front of family without breaking down or cutting or anything). I mean, that's what makes me think that there is nothing wrong, and that it is just in my head, I don't know anymore though.

All I know is that my hand is bleeding, I haven't talked to my best friend in days, and I haven't been able to focus on any work all weekend.

This probably resembles an incoherent rant more than anything else, and maybe I'll feel better after I post it and get it off my chest, but I guess I'm just curious as to what would be good tips to get through this without needing a knife.

Once again, I'm really sorry if this reads very poorly, but thank you in advance for any help that may be provided.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by nonameneeded

I'm nervous that the therapist will find something wrong with me too...

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time right now. It sounds like you are taking responsibility by going to see a therapist. Please don't be hard on yourself. We all have something that is wrong in one way or another. This is the human condition. No one is perfect. The important thing is that you are looking within to see the source of your reactions. Self-harm is something to address by seeing a doctor (therapist, pdoc). Have you tried medication? The combination of therapy and medication can be most helpful. We all have a right to our emotions. They are there for a reason. The type of withdrawing you write about sounds like depression. You deserve to feel better. Seeing a therapist is an important step.

[Rohag]

Hello, Nonameneeded!

How did the Tuesday appointment go?
For reference: PsychCentral Self Injury Forum