[justfloating]

Hi all. I know it's been a while but I really need a safe place to vent. Things were great, or at least manageable, but they aren't going so well all of a sudden. I feel like the world is crumbling down around me and I just want to disappear, go someplace new, start over fresh. I just want all of this mayhem to stop.

I'm finally on the right meds for depression that I can be happy and productive most days. My grades aren't great but I've improved where I could. But I'm still easily overwhelmed, everything makes me anxious, and I'm no more enthusiastic about my courses. I just hate this. I realized too late that I'm in the wrong degree, and the only choices I have are to quit or finish it. And I'm in my final semester so there's really no point in quitting. I'd hate myself if I quit. Plus I did apply for a master's degree in creative writing, my true love, which I'd jump into straight away if it weren't for this pesky undergraduate requirement. So even though I've realized what I really want to do and where I really want to be, I still have to finish this stupid degree in order to get there.

People keep telling me I can do it. They keep telling me it's only one more semester, just a few more months, but I can't hear it anymore. Every day I have to drag myself to class I feel something shrivelling up inside me. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm in the home stretch but it's just making me feel worse because "only five months" turns into "oh my god, a whole five months!"

My second semester hasn't started yet. I'm still writing exams from the first -- we write ours after Christmas, which is terrible because it makes this whole thing feel like it stretches on forever. The worst part is that for one of my courses, I somehow forgot to write the major essay. I'm not sure how that happened. I just had so much on my plate and then I got an email today from my prof asking why he hadn't received my essay. I feel TERRIBLE. I have no idea how I managed to screw up so phenomenally and I have no idea what I'm going to tell him, or how I'm even going to look him in the eye. He said I could discuss writing an essay with him but it would have to be on a different topic because he already returned the essays the rest of the class wrote, which is fair enough. I'm so humiliated. I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until I graduate. Problem is, if I did that, I wouldn't graduate at all.

I'm a terrible student. I don't know why I'm here. I'm sure my prof is wondering what is going on and I really don't want to be lectured on any of this, which I'm afraid of if I go to see him. My attendance record is spotty at best so I'm sure he's going to bring that up as well. And because I'd been feeling marginally better, I haven't been keeping up with student support very often so they won't be able to back me up if I say that my lack of attendance and forgetfulness is due to mental illness. The agreement here is that if you need help, you ask for it, and they provide, but it's your responsibility to ask in the first place. I just ... didn't realize how desperately overwhelmed I was until now. I have no idea what to do, or where to begin to get things together again.

I thought I was doing better. I thought I had things under control. I just want out of this awful place once and for all!

[Elana05]

((Dear Rebecca))

You are doing it. The most important thing is that you are taking care of yourself and you have had some success with meds and have been feeling a bit better. You can only do the best you can. That's all you can do. If there is any way you can let go of this a bit. Please try to. You have done the best you can in telling your professor that you will get this paper to him as soon as possible. Is there any way you could meet with him in person and simply tell him the truth? About knowing now that you had made the wrong decision and wanting to just get through with this?

Hugs.

Elana

[Rohag]

Hello, Justfloating! I simply can't imagine you as a terrible student, although I accept you feel that way about yourself. Now, a misplaced student -- that's conceivable, but you already know that.

Grab all the help available to you. Try not to let yourself get too bruised "clearing the road" to where you really want to go.

I wonder how these experiences will work their way into your future writings?

Originally Posted by justfloating

I feel like the world is crumbling down around me and I just want to disappear, go someplace new, start over fresh. I just want all of this mayhem to stop.

I'm sorry you feel like this justfloating. I too feel completely overwhelmed by the final leg of Uni and want to disappear

Originally Posted by justfloating

I just hate this. I realized too late that I'm in the wrong degree, and the only choices I have are to quit or finish it. And I'm in my final semester so there's really no point in quitting. I'd hate myself if I quit. Plus I did apply for a master's degree in creative writing, my true love, which I'd jump into straight away if it weren't for this pesky undergraduate requirement. So even though I've realized what I really want to do and where I really want to be, I still have to finish this stupid degree in order to get there.

That sucks that you have to finish a degree you don't enjoy, but I think it's good that you have at least decided what you want to do with your life, which is a really difficult decision to make, especially in the depths of a depression!

Originally Posted by justfloating

People keep telling me I can do it. They keep telling me it's only one more semester, just a few more months, but I can't hear it anymore. Every day I have to drag myself to class I feel something shrivelling up inside me. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm in the home stretch but it's just making me feel worse because "only five months" turns into "oh my god, a whole five months!"

Yep, I hear you! I'm in the same boat. I keep thinking "only 6months" which is nothing after 6 1/2 yrs...but it's also 6 whole months!!!!

Originally Posted by justfloating

I somehow forgot to write the major essay. I'm not sure how that happened. I just had so much on my plate and then I got an email today from my prof asking why he hadn't received my essay. I feel TERRIBLE. I have no idea how I managed to screw up so phenomenally and I have no idea what I'm going to tell him, or how I'm even going to look him in the eye.

Originally Posted by justfloating

I'm a terrible student. I don't know why I'm here. I'm sure my prof is wondering what is going on and I really don't want to be lectured on any of this, which I'm afraid of if I go to see him. My attendance record is spotty at best so I'm sure he's going to bring that up as well. And because I'd been feeling marginally better, I haven't been keeping up with student support very often so they won't be able to back me up if I say that my lack of attendance and forgetfulness is due to mental illness. The agreement here is that if you need help, you ask for it, and they provide, but it's your responsibility to ask in the first place. I just ... didn't realize how desperately overwhelmed I was until now. I have no idea what to do, or where to begin to get things together again.

Firstly I think going to student support might help. Feeling "marginally better" is not the same as not being depressed, so don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. If you're anything like me, my brain barely works atm!! I can't remember things like what I did yesterday, or understand my lectures anymore - I'm convinced my IQ has dropped with this damn depression! :s

And you're going to need to speak to your professor, as horrible as that seems, but I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think. I hate having to tell people that I have depression, but they're normally really supportive and it really helps me cope with Uni & go in cos I'm less anxious as they know not to pick on me for Qs etc.

Anyway I hope that this helps. Sometimes it makes u feel less alone if you know that someone else out there is experiencing something similar and you're not the only one. Good luck with Uni, whatever you decide, and keep posting if you want to cos 5 months IS a long time when you're struggling.

Take care

*Willow*

[jstdontdie]

i know how you feel. my first semester i rarely went to class but i still managed. I told my professors what was going on and excused my absences so i didn't fail.

[turquoisesea]

(((((Rebecca))))))
Good for you, being so close to finished with this (though you don't feel that way right now). You're not alone - as you know I've been questioning my degree. It's horrible to think how much money and time is spent into schooling if you're not going to use it directly. However, getting that degree IS worth it. It opens doors, plain and simple. Doors through which you may find something closer to what you're looking for So keep up faith in yourself, you're so close!

He said I could discuss writing an essay with him but it would have to be on a different topic because he already returned the essays the rest of the class wrote, which is fair enough.

That's actually pretty reasonable. I'm glad you have someone who's willing to work with you =)

I just ... didn't realize how desperately overwhelmed I was until now. I have no idea what to do, or where to begin to get things together again.

You just said in your post, that they give you help if you ask for it. You are SO LUCKY to have that happen. That is not the case in my school - if you ask for help and it's mental in nature they try to get you out of there pretty quickly from what I've seen.

Will it work to ask for help from your school, your professor, and your doctors? Maybe that's a starting point? =)

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Rebecca )))))))))))))))

[lonegael]

(((((Rebecca)))) I hear you. And I am one of those people telling you it is just 5 months . 5 whole months. When this is done, you can do what you really, really want to do. I don't think youare a terrible student for forgetting an essay, dear. Youhave been tapdancing in H#¤%%, and all you forgot was one essay? I know you feel humiliated, but I think you are fantastic! HUGGGGGSSSSS from a great fan! I really have no idea how you have done it.