[Tivity]

I am kind of at a loss of what to do. I first became depressed at 16 but it was thrown into therapy and put on citalopram (half a pill basically a placebo)

I eventually stopped taking the Citalopram by myself (I know bad me,) and stopped going to therapy cause the therapist told me I didn't want to be helped.

Whatever, most 16 year old girls are silly and emo anyways it's stupid.

I figured this was to be my normal existence. I have no willpower to speak of and about a year and a half ago had what you could almost call a "mental break" I broke up with my boyfriend of four years, started being perpetually drunk, hurting myself, sleeping around, taking pens and writing lyrics all over my body to describe how I felt and other generally crazy thinks which I look down upon.

I have wallowed in my depressive state (it's more constant in the last 3 years now rather then up and down) for 6 and a half years (wow that's a long time...never thought about it that way )

Its tearing the current relationship I have apart. I am unmotivated, I sleep all the time, I never finish anything, I can't concentrate on the time we do have together. He thinks I don't care about him and that I don't give a **** about anything and that I'd rather be sleeping with someone else. simply because I cannot bring up enough enthusiasm.

Previously if you asked me what I'd like to do I would have had an answer. Now it is either "Sleep" or 'I don't know what do you want to do?"

I can't afford therapy we are living on minimum wage at the moment. I am also very reluctant to speak to him about it mostly because I'm pretty sure he'd jet due to bad experiences with an ex with depression. (they have a son and she physically abused him as a baby. she's not in the picture anymore) he told himself he'd never get involved with a depressed person again.

ooo lucky me then.

Basically

WTF do I do

Besides say **** it. I think about dying a lot, like a car hitting me or something. I won't commit suicide cause I'm scared I'll **** that up to then I'll be in an even worse position.

-_-

[whenwillitend]

To me it sounds like you would benefit from talking to a professional. I'm sorry that that's not an option right now. If your boyfriend really cares about you I'm sure he'll see beyond the depression and see the real you. I wish I had some better advice for you.

[Tivity]

yay for updates

So everything exploded on the weekend, my parents came over and my mother threw a fit about me and my fiance getting married and basically blamed him for me being depress (oh he knows about it now, we are deciding what to do about it)

So now my mother hates my fiance and my fiance wants to say to hell with my mother (He is trying though considering if I was anyone else he wouldn't have bothered with her. He really wants it to work out.)

I is feel so tired and now because of all the stress I am home with a sore throat. but at least me and my Fiance are talking about my problem I guess.. O_o