Where is my....(whatever you miss or grieve or miss...)

Anyone can post here.

Where is my honor,my self respect?When did I let go of what it was to be a good woman?I suspect I lost the mindfulness honor requires when life and it's problems hit so many at once.My vigilance retreated.
I don't kid myself that I was ever perfect.I dunno what I'm saying.God my life looks so stained.I can't get the stains out.I can't keep the pieces glued.Why?
I am such a swarm of opposites.Good...bad.Honor....dishonor.Compassion....coldness.Respectable.....base.Innocent....twisted.What the hell?
I can't deal with my ....lacking of honorable character.It crushes me.I feel too broken and disorganized in my personality.
I don't know if I can keep breathing if I keep seeing it.Sorry.It is such a curl up and die day for me.Like giving up.I give up in this moment because there's nothing I can do but let the feelings pass.~W~
I honestly had no intention to break down on this post.But,what can you do?(cant repair initial typo to title...thats going to ongoingly disturb me.)

Soul asylum..."Misery" Song that's playing...Lifes irony knows no F bounds......not in my life.Everything is a fateful whisper/indicator.....really.

(((((((((Wolf)))))))))))

Where is my hope? Where is my true self? Where is my stick-to-itiveness? Where is my motivation? Where is my self confidence? Where is my self love? Where are my values? Where is my heart? Where is my mind? Where is my care for others? Where are all the things I feel sleeping inside of me?
Where is the end?

.........(((((((((Thine)))))))))....I can only answer a couple of those for you.......Where is your heart?,Where is your care for others?....These are apparently wrapped in an invisible cloak...you can't see them...but,Thine...we all do.So strongly visible.I challenge all to disagree....they cannot.~W~

Where is my ablility to pull things together? Where did my self respect go? How come I let everyone blame me for something I had no control over? Where is my putting myself before other? Why do I always put other's needs before my own?

Where is the life I once found so vexing, so taxing...the life I'd do anything to have back?

Where have my abilities to concentrate and focus gone?

Where are the friends who transcend mere labels and offer crucial intangibles in not only happy times?

Where have I gone?



Thank you for starting this thread, wolfsong. Don't allow the typo in the title to bother you--let it go. The thread is what's important, and the interaction it creates and the relief it offers.

Puddles....The first two are transient...fluctuating.They'll come back.The third you can change.Decide to be not responsible for other peoples judgements.4,and 5.......Like NIKE...Just do it!((((((You deserve to be first in your life...we all need to be))))))~W~

Nola......that's what I say about the fact that I seemed stressed over my boys when they were little...and about the time I wasted being bitter about my mum before she died.Now she's gone.The boys are grown.I can't alter a breath.But I can choose to seize the day at hand.I wish from my heart of hearts for you to find friends transcending the commonality of...average...............and....you are right here.Pondering,breathing,participating,growing...better for the experiences if you can believe it.I can see your 'heartlight'...can you?~W~ You're welcome...Thank you...

wolfsong, thank you for your heartfelt reply. Thanks also for being positive and supportive--the encouragement and well wishes are deeply appreciated. I really do remember happiness, or at least quiet contentment, even in its most fleeting, expected forms, but I am not sure it will return. More aptly, I don't know if I'll be receptive to it if it does, which is key. It's difficult to believe this is my existence, my life right now...I keep hoping I'll wake up, know what I mean?

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and feelings. Thank you for caring.

Life. What was once known is no more. What I used to be is long gone.
Severe trauma changes things. Not just physical, mental, emotional, spirit.
It can tear your SOUL.

I admit I am not as bad (depressed, etc.)- as I used to be.... but, life won't be the same , ever.

.........everything. Virtually every single thing is gone.......and Magruder is eleven.

I understand, grey...I truly do. My life is bereft of so many loving beings whom I often feel I took for granted. It's difficult to shake that feeling, as hindsight has a way of manifesting guilt in my psyche, and all the "woulda, coulda, shouldas" start springing up like malevolent weeds in a garden of memories.

I know the anxiety of which you speak when you mention Magruder's age...the only possible solace with that is to fill every day with boundless love, play, affection, and appreciation. I have no doubt you do that already--just keep up the good work.

. . . desire to live, my will to fight to make it through another day...

{{{{{Nola}}}}}
You are welcome.It WILL return .....at points in our lives we fail to recognize the tiny pleasures.The acknowledgement of the season....fall leaves.....springs arrival...children playing......Receptiveness to it will be among your choices.I feel we become to worn down by life....so trapped in negative thought process....we have to pretend till it's become a habit and really struggle to internalize the small beauties that flit by ...as a butterfly does a flower.You are correct that reception is key.Your recognition of the fact is key ...to that key.Life's circumstances are transient.The one thing that is stabile is our power in each moment to choose.I hope ...and I mean from the heart...I hope you will find a peace...fragrant and blooming...inside you....a place of comfort.~W~

(((((((((Colmnach))))))) *nods.......I know Colmnach...I really do.~W~

((((Grey)))).....you've no idea the fondness I have for you.Perhaps Magruder needs a young grey to help you raise.....*grieving....missing....beside you....quietly.~W~

Avid reader..........I'm holding on....try to hold on too.

Thank you, wolfsong. You make some very important points about allowing ourselves positive, beautiful experiences, and of course, we are in agreement about being simply open to them in the first place. Another critical concept is the recognition that peace comes from within--thank you for reminding me of that. We so often put ourselves on tracks we're convinced will lead us to that state of being, when it's actually scarier and more difficult because it's a process that forces us to look within. I honestly think we'd rather be out there hunting or searching than confronting ourselves.

I was wondering if we should take any potential philosophical discussions to another thread so we don't derail this one? It has such good intentions.

Thank you so much for your kindness, concern, and loving wishes. I wish you the same should you need peace--a whole amazing lifetime's worth and then some. (((((((wolfsong))))))

Okay, here is my contribution to the original intention of this thread:

Where is my determination and tenacity? Where is the person I once knew who could map out a battle plan, stick to it or adapt as needed, and achieve a worthwhile goal?

Where has my energy gone? My joie de vivre?

Where is the desire to follow through with a vision or project, even one easily attained?

Where is my will...?

..........only hiding round the corner darling......

Thanks, wolfsong. I forced myself out of bed and showered, so I'm hanging in there. I appreciate the encouragement.