[polenta]

Never posted a thread before - here goes! Apologies if it is rambling..........I've had depression for ten years, but only in the last few months/weeks have I gotten any help for it. I see a therapist once a week, and I am on meds which (were) working really well for me. Unfortunately due to a lot of stress from work and relationship issues my brain seemed to capsize at the weekend. I just couldn't calm down, and then all that anxiety seemed to turn into depression. I have been really low the last few days (tearful, ruminations, no motivation, depressed, isolating myself, can't cope, on edge/stressed), and, with a few extreme exceptions this is the first time I have ever taken time off work for being depressed.

I have always nightmarishly battled through it, and it is a relief not to be there. I am full of anxiety though, because

1) I work for a small charity, and I am the only one holding up an entire membership scheme amongst many other things, and the work will be piling up and up as will the complaints. Every day I get more anxious about time taken off, but more anxious than that about going back. I want to get a new job but will need to get better in order to apply etc..

2) I feel I have to lie, I have said it is a flu type thing. Lying makes me panic I will be found out. I am not a good liar. Every morning I panic for two hours before I have to make the phone call to say I am sick. Today I emailed, and it was ok, thank god.

3) I don't know if what I am doing is 'right' - if I should just battle back to work, if I should stay off work but I should be going out, or should be relaxing or what? I don't want to make myself more ill by isolating myself, but I feel like I can't cope with just about anything at the moment, its like my stress-coping-brain-mechanism broke. However I know how sometimes forcing yourself back into roles can make you feel better...but maybe worse in the long run???

I just want to do what is right, and to get better. Although I've had it so long I feel completely new at trying to do the right things to help myself. I'm going to ask my therapist and doctor about this next week, but if anyone had any thoughts/experiences to share it would really help me.

[Elana05]

Hi polenta,

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard right now. My heart is with you. And you are getting help, which is the most important thing. Therapy has been super helpful for me too... Have you been able to get back to your psychopharm. to ask if the medication could be tweaked a bit?
You can only do what you feel comfortable with as far as communicating anything about your circumstance. I am of the mind of mentioning it, because depression is a serious illness it might give others a chance to understand what you are going through. To me, it the same thing as confiding in co-workers about any other illness such as cancer or MS etc. In this way, you could say, "I am doing the best I can and fully intend to stay focused whenever I can but just so you know, I am also currently getting help for this serious illness." Telling employers is a wide open arena of theories, many people have their own ideas about it. I am one for honesty in small doses, on the other hand I am not working right now and have not been for much of these 3 years that I have had MDD.
The most important thing is for you to get help and work on healing. Therapy itself is hard work, so it would seem understandable that outside work along with this internal work would be extra tiring. A good reason to take good care of yourself whenever you need to. You are in healing...
Elana

[ifeeltheweight]

If you can afford to take the time off then do it. Working for a charity, I assume you don't have insurance. Funny I should say this but not having to go through a disability claim is a major relief. Remember that you are not required to tell your employer why you are taking a medical leave. They just need to know its a medical leave and the dates. Talk to your doctor. If you do have insurance then make sure you understand their terms. They decide if you are healthy or not and healthy will likely be their response.

One of the reasons I quit my job last year was due to the fights I had with the insurance company. Just make sure you follow everything to the letter.

I hope the break from work works out.
Good luck!