[justfloating]

Absolutely full of anxiety and self-loathing and the usual depression-induced rigamarole. Most of it is school-related. Looking back on the last few years, and with only 3 months left of my degree, I can say that I've learned a VERY important lesson from my depression, if nothing else: It is not worth it for me to apply myself to anything I hate. It is not worth it for me to persist in making myself miserable for the sake of other people. It is not worth it for me to deny my own feelings and it is DEFINITELY not worth it for me to spend four years focussed on a branch of academia that bores me on its best days and makes me want to curl up in a ball and weep on its worst.

Not worth it. Not for one second. I am finishing this degree (and just barely, since I can only make it to a handful of classes per week as the depression has been leaving me more or less bed-bound as of late) because I've come this far. But I swear, once it's done, I'm never looking back.

I just have to survive three more months. A lot of my friends are in the same position but they don't seem to think three months is a very long time. But when you have to live your life day-to-day because there's no telling whether you'll be capable of getting out of bed in the morning, three months is a VERY long time.

The last leg of the race is definitely the longest.

[turquoisesea]

(((((Rebecca)))))))

[googley]

((((((((((((((JustFloating))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))

[Patriciann]

Three months is a very long time when coping with depression while trying to accomplish something stressful. Sending gentle ((( ))) your way to surround you with and comfort.

Love yourself, Rebecca.

[Rohag]

Thank you, Justfloating!

To Whom It May Concern:

Originally Posted by justfloating

It is not worth it for me to persist in making myself miserable for the sake of other people. It is not worth it for me to deny my own feelings...

Consider these words carefully.

[Elana05]

Hi Rebecca,

I can relate. I have always struggled with this, especially because I am so used to making sure that others are taken care of. When I was growing up, my mom suffered from depression. I was always first ready and on call to make sure she was hanging in there. On top of that my dad was (often still is) always putting me down with questions like, "what are you doing that for?" What I took away from my childhood was that it was tenuous or even dangerous to do the things I found interesting or enjoyed. When I hit major depression a few years ago I just kind of... stopped. I stopped functioning. I had been able to maintain these customer service positions. Had been working for 7 years in retail. I just couldn't do it anymore. I hung on barely. I went from being a "customer pleaser" to hardly looking anyone in the eye. Work had come to mean everything that I was hurt by. It came to embody the trading of my soul for someone/something that had power over me. It came to mean that I was supposed to make sure others were happy and make sure that I disappeared completely. Anyway I just wanted to say I relate to the notion of putting your needs/wants/likes aside. For me, it has gone along with a feeling of invisibility or disappearing. But the point of healing is to be whole, to come back. To say "I am here. And these are my passions. This is what I enjoy, this is what I like. I am allowed to like these things and enjoy them."

You have a right to do what you love. As much as you have a right to be.

Elana