[quality_worms]

This is my first real post. hi. please be nice to me.

I'm a junior in college. I think I was depressed for pretty much all of last semester. My grades stayed fine, but I have no idea how. I couldn't get myself to start homework until late at night, and then I'd start crying and then I couldn't stop crying. For a while, if I wasn't sleep deprived because of procrastination, I was sleep deprived because I was too miserable to fall asleep. My mood and my outlook on life got worse and worse for a couple of months, and my friends pretty much had no idea what was going on, because I kind of withdrew as much as I could. In March, I finally went to the counseling center at my school and got up the nerve to say that I was having suicidal ideation (although not in so many words), but not that I thought I was depressed. I told the therapist that I was stressed out, or something. I don't know why it's so difficult to say, "I think I'm depressed."

I don't know whether going there made me better or what. I never did get a diagnosis...I think he was worried about scaring me off. Anyway, I did start feeling better after a while, and then I was fine all summer except for being worried about coming back here.

Is it possible to think yourself into a depression? I feel like I might have done that. There was a mental health screening at my school last week, and I made myself go to it. I scored just above the cutoff points for depression and generalized anxiety disorder. (the psychologist said, "So it doesn't look like you have bipolar disorder...so that's good....." heh.) They gave me an appointment for Nov. 10. I felt kind of silly about that..but then I had a couple more of the random crying fits.

I don't know what to think about the "anxiety" thing. Maybe I worry about things more than the average person, but that feels more like an aspect of my personality than a psychiatric condition. I guess I just don't want to deal with that.

As for the depression, I don't feel as bad as I did last semester and I'm obviously functioning, but I'm worried that things are going to get worse. I spent the end of summer break with this feeling of dread about coming back to school, which hasn't gone away after being here for a couple of months with only, like, one-and-half nervous breakdowns. I should be happy, because I really like my classes and I have some cool friends, but I don't know when was the last time I had a really happy day. I don't really want to do anything. I can enjoy things while I'm doing them, mostly, but I have to force myself to start and afterwards I'm just tired. I could spend all of my time holed up in my room if I didn't have to eat or go to class.

I'm worried that I can't really talk to anyone in real life about these kinds of things. Actually, right now I don't really want to talk to anyone about anything. I'm shy anyway, but when I get lonely or blue, I really don't want to make the effort to have social interactions. If I already feel bad, why should I take the risk of making myself feel worse? I don't feel like people understand that. I think the people I live with (I live in a dorm) just think I'm unfriendly, or something.

I'm glad I have the appointment -- I'm really lucky that I go to a school with resources like that, because I have a friend who can only go to her school counseling center once per quarter. but I don't know whether I'll be able to explain what's wrong. When I'm talking to people, I have a tendency to pretend things are perfectly fine. And I don't think I like talking to therapists anyway...I keep reading posts here by people who luuuurrrrve their therapists, which makes me jealous because for me it's really just another difficult social interaction, except the other person probably only thinks about me for the hour that I'm sitting in front of them.

I really just want a magic pill that will fix everything. yeah. It's a nice dream, anyway.

Hmm, so, I wrote a lot. I hope it's not too boring. It's a lot easier to write these things than to say them. Thanks for listening. *curls up in hole again*

[Parker10]

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. (And welcome to the boards and thanks for posting about yourself!)

I would print out your post above - and take it with you to the appointment. We cannot get the help we want and need if we dont tell the therapist/counsellor what all is going on with us.

The fact that you were fine all summer, could give them a good clue - separation axiety comes to mind. Also, perhaps performance anxiety. Being tired, crying spells, wanting to isolate certainly fit depression. I really am glad you have an appointment !

I hope you will post here, people are really supportive, and there are others here who are in college.

I wish you the best, and hope to get to know you better!

[NICO]

welcome to the forums,
i have the same problem when i see my doc, my mind goes blank and i just pretend things are better than they are. why dont you do what you have done for us just now and write down on a bit of how you've been feelin and your concerns im sure the counseller will really appreciate it.

goodluck

[ozzie]

Hi quality_worms. I'm glad to get to know more about you....and it wasn't boring at all. I have depression and anxiety and lots of times I'm not aware of the anxiety and just think I'm being a worry wart. It seems like depression and anxiety are pretty tricky things to deal with. I'm glad you're here.

[maverick]

Hmm, I dunno either, just thought I'd say hi. Hope the therapist helps (I guess you get to practice your communication skills; sometimes it helps to focus on a concrete problem, i.e. how is the "depression" a problem for you, and work on solutions... makes things pro-active with you and the T., but it's just my current contemplation...I'm sure your T will have a strategy (most T's are T's cuz they want to help). It's nice to hear from you, WELCOME!!

[quality_worms]

Hey, I became a "Junior Member" instead of a "New Member." I think I've officially been sucked into this site.

I don't always know how to respond to people's comments, but thank you for replying. I appreciate all of you a lot. The suggestion to print this out is probably a good one. I think I'd still feel painfully self-conscious, though. I'm not sure how to get past that.

I keep writing more than I mean to, so maybe I'll stop while I'm ahead.

[Valis]

First off, in writing I think you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. Bringing in the post you have listed should help alot.
You collasped alot of what I am feeling myself into a great post.

I'm not sure what to say (I never am),Just know that your not alone in this struggle to be sure of what is truly bothering you.

[Lauren05]

To Quality Worms--
Hi, my name is Lauren, and I also am a new member. I'm in college too, so I can definitely relate to your situation, and you're right, it is difficult to deal with a heavy course load, but it does get easier with time and patience. Keep your chin up and hang in there and keep on posting. If you would like to keep in touch with me, here is my email address: LDK520us@yahoo.com.
Hugs and cheers to you, Lauren

[quality_worms]

Thanks, Valis and Lauren!