[kronicdisconsolate]

I used to have this really great boss, when I was able to work, that was an advocate of taking "mental health" days. She thought that some of your sick days should be used for sanity days, i.e., days to take care of yourself. In her instance, it was usually shopping or a day in the garden. I had to leave that job 5 years ago because I became physically disabled and I miss it dearly. I had a series of physical problems leading up to that, starting from several spinal compression fractures I received after being thrown from a car when I was 19 and all the extra conditions that entailed (arthritis, kyphosis, degenerative disc disease, bone spurs, etc.). A few years later, when I was 22, I found that I had an Arteriovenous Malformation in my spinal cord, which worsened until I had such lower body weakness that I could no longer walk and had emergency surgery. Today, I can walk, but have no feeling in my right leg, and lessened feeling in my left, and all the nerve pain that goes with it. I had suffered from depression since my preteen years, and after I realized that I would never be able to do the things I had once loved to do it got worse. I soon found that I had to quit the job I loved, and my disability insurance did not "recognize" an AVM as a cause of disability. So, I had to fight for Social Security, which meant no income for me for over 2 years, and my husband and I lost our new car, motorcycle, house, and relationship. It all came to a head in 2007 when I attempted suicide on Easter Sunday. My husband was there, but did not do anything at all to help, but left me laying on the bed while he stayed downstairs with our son. Fortunately (I guess) the pills that I crushed and took with a shot of whiskey only made me throw up, so while I lay passed out for several hours I lived. When my mother found out, she had me check into the hospital where I stayed for a week and was a model patient so that I could get out of there in as little time as possible. While there I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as severe depression, so I gained another "condition" to go on my already too-long list titled "Things that are Wrong with Me." I was able to regain some semblance of my life back; my husband and I worked it out and are still together, we were able to buy a small house and moved closer to our families.

However, now to the nitty-gritty of this post. Even after all this time (it's been 4 years since that Easter), I have a hard time dealing with life. Most days I am in so much physical pain that my mental pain takes a back seat. However, it seems that on those days when my physical pain subsides, my mental anguish is there to pull me down. The guilt from the attempted suicide, coupled with my husband's callousness to me in one of my greatest times of need, hit me like a ton of bricks. I missed that Easter with my son, who was four at the time, and he received no Easter basket that morning, no eggs were hidden, there was no Mommy to take him on the traditional trip to Grandma's. And then there's the "current" guilt - on a day when I am physically able, I should be working, doing "my job." I should be cleaning, doing laundry, finishing those things that I've promised others that I would do, finishing those projects that I've promised myself that I would do. But, I just don't have the energy. I sit and I sit and I feel worse and worse. I find myself feeling isolated, and feeling hurt at the slightest wrong word or look (or perceived wrong word or look). I get angry and resentful, I am irritable and it is easy for me to want to fight. I feel like my husband walks on eggshells on these days, confused and apologetic. I try to be "normal" but I know that even my son can feel the tension. But, the guilt is the worst. How do you justify having a "mental health day" for yourself when every other day is a "physical incapacitation day?" I wish that at the very least I could do something that I actually enjoy, things that are impossible for me to do any other day, but I feel so guilty for doing anything that isn't something that needs to be done that I just can't. So instead I just sit, and find myself descending further and further into depression until it ends with thoughts of suicide, or maybe just an accident that would keep my family from having to deal with the stigma of suicide. Even thinking of suicide makes me feel guilty. I live in a small town, and my husband, son, and other family would be forever marred by such a disgrace. Just the attempted suicide story made its way through the gossip chain and I still deal with sidelong glances from people, and feel their uncomfortableness when they're around me.

I have to say, though, that I am glad for this forum. That there is a place to release these thoughts and feelings into a text that will be read by those that understand. I am not looking for help, per se, or advice, just the opportunity to let it out. In fact, I feel better. I started this crying and feeling very lost, but am ending with dry eyes and knowing that I just have to get through this. One day at a time.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Kronicdisconsolate! Make yourself at home!

Originally Posted by Kronicdisconsolate

Most days I am in so much physical pain that my mental pain takes a back seat. However, it seems that on those days when my physical pain subsides, my mental anguish is there to pull me down.

Depression AND chronic pain -- a terrible pair. When you're not dealing with the one you're struggling with the other. That's its own special torment.

Originally Posted by Kronicdisconsolate

How do you justify having a "mental health day" for yourself when every other day is a "physical incapacitation day?"

And you struggle with guilt...

I would say anything you do to avoid the danger in the darkness is justified. Maybe people around you won't be able to appreciate that, but you understand the stakes involved.

Do your caretakers know what you've revealed in your post? By the way, be sure to check out the Chronic Pain Support forum. Again, Welcome!

[online user]

Gosh, so sorry that you are having so much difficulty. I would think that taking some time out of your day to do something you would enjoy would be beneficial for you. Maybe you can do one task for the family and one task just for yourself each day? Give yourself something to look forward to? Are you getting counseling or meds to help with your depression? That might help too!

Hello, kronicdisconsolate. Is professional help an option for you? Is there nothing the medical people can do for your pain?

[kronicdisconsolate]

I've been to a lot of doctors. Most say there's not much they can do...maybe with the depression, but I feel like I'd rather cut down on meds than take more! I've done physical therapy, etc., but the expense of more than one six-eight week session is more than I can afford! Ah, I miss the good old days when I had real health insurance and doctors actually seemed to take the time to find out what was going on...even if they did take forever to actually diagnose me. I'm too young for surgery, though, and no medications can really help with nerve pain. I think that I've gotten better at coping over the last few years, but somedays get a little (or a lot) overwhelming for me. And, despite all the faults my husband may possess, he does know how to lift me up when I'm down...God bless him, he can be better than a therapist sometimes. Thanks to all of you - just knowing that someone out there empathizes with me makes me smile.