[Elana05]

oops nevermind.
just a big day for me in terms of communication and giving up control. i need to trust in my T. Please, I pray I am doing the right thing.

[justfloating]

(((((((((((((Elana)))))))))))))))))

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Elana05

i just wrote my dad a letter. he has been paying a large part of my therapy and for some of my bills. i hate it. but the depression has had me so flat out that i have not been able to keep a job. i know i am working so hard on myself with therapy and 12 step groups every single day. sometimes the best situation is not the one we want. i need to admit that i haven't given medication enough of a try. my dad wanted to cut me off. i was always good about saying i was "fine!" when he called. big mistake. i havenot been fine. i have been more sui** then i ever have been. i asked him please not to yet. i have given up all of my worries about medication and i am ready to go that route big time. this is a big change for me, to give up control. i hope he will keep supporting me for just enough time for me to get back on my feet. i hate asking for this help. were it not for him i don't know where i would be. a homeless shelter possibly. actually probably living with my mom and that would be even worse. life is crazy and i feel so lost. i only know i need to keep following what my T says. i need to keep following the 12 step groups i attend. i need to keep showing up. the spark of hope is so small. when will it grow into a light i can see by? i pray i can find a good medication. i pray for tomorrrow.

Elena, I know how you feel. Don't feel guilty that you are getting aide by your father. I know that some days there only seems to be a very small trickle of light. I am glad to hear that you are still listening to your therapist and that you are going to meetings and learning there too.

Elena, there will come a time when the light begins to brighten for you.
You are still young and just trying to understand the sad things that go on around you. But everything that you are learning and all the support you do receive, will help you learn the Serenity Prayer. Perhaps you should recite it every morning or when ever you lose your way.

Because what it is telling you, is , that you have to learn it Elena, accept it and know that the world around you will have things in it that you cannot change or fix. But you can only fix you and the way you begin is to know that if you cannot change it, it is not your fault.

There are so many things in the world and in life that do have a meaning and reason to hang out here and see them, and appreciate them. Right now you only see some bad things, things you cannot change. But Elena there is light out there for you too. For every negetive there is a positive it is out there in nature and science, so it does exist. So knowing that there is light, positive, you have to go and look for it, learn how to see it.
That is the path you are on when you see your therapist and go to meeting. You are finding your way to the light within life.

Open Eyes

I hope everything goes well for you!

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You are still young and just trying to understand the sad things that go on around you.

Thank you open eyes. but i am not young. i am 34. i have had much more competent times in my life. now i don't know what to make of it. i feel so lost. like i have failed big time. others have been able to do it, have a good job, to keep going. i just don't know how. i am relying on others to show me the way. i just feel really lost. i don't know how it's going to work. i am trying to have faith. but most of it has run out. i feel very sad that my parents don't get it. i am thankful that my dad has been there for me financially, but he has no idea. i am constantly letting him (and his wife) down. my own mom isn't there for me, because its my job to keep her happy. she never asks me how i feel because she can't take it (she has said so). my partner is strained by my depression. in this way feel like i have no one, it is a very old feeling. true, now i have my t and i have pc. for this i am thankful. it just feels lonely and rather hopeless-- but i am trying. anyway, thanks.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Thank you open eyes. but i am not young. i am 34. i have had much more competent times in my life. now i don't know what to make of it. i feel so lost. like i have failed big time. others have been able to do it, have a good job, to keep going. i just don't know how. i am relying on others to show me the way. i just feel really lost. i don't know how it's going to work. i am trying to have faith. but most of it has run out. i feel very sad that my parents don't get it. i am thankful that my dad has been there for me financially, but he has no idea. i am constantly letting him (and his wife) down. my own mom isn't there for me, because its my job to keep her happy. she never asks me how i feel because she can't take it (she has said so). my partner is strained by my depression. in this way feel like i have no one, it is a very old feeling. true, now i have my t and i have pc. for this i am thankful. it just feels lonely and rather hopeless-- but i am trying. anyway, thanks.

34 is still young. I remember when I was 34, thought much like you and had a lot on my plate, very similar to you but, the alcoholic slept next to me every night.

I can tell you, ME TOO. I didn't have PC back then, and I couldnt find a therapist, found a marriage/family coucelor that was murdered in a supermarket parking lot, never found who did it. I did have Al-anon and that helped me some, but somehow I was very lonely Elena.
You are not a failure, you are in very hard place in your life. Give it time Elena, keep trying, I am here to listen and give hugs, I can tell you with all my heart, I know how it feels. I can see a strong part in you, I can see your posts here and there, good, hang on to that, its a good part of you, me too. Just remember you can find me, Im right here,you can ask, I will answer.

Open Eyes

[garden gal]

Elana, I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough time, and I'm sorry that your dad isn't being more supportive. It sounds like you have been continuing to work hard at dealing with depression and family issues. What more could any of us ask of ourselves, than to do the emotional work involved in facing this stuff? Twice a week therapy and daily 12-step meetings... that is very courageous, and also sounds a little exhausting! I hope you can give yourself credit for the hard work you are already doing. It sounds like a hopeful development that you are considering medication again. My own experiences with meds have been mixed, but I have found that when they are working, my efforts with therapy, job, school, etc.... seem a little more do-able. (Or, at least, I don't feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, which is how depression sometimes feels to me.) Don't give up that sense of hope... and don't forget that we are here for you.
peace,
garden gal

[Elana05]

oops now i feel a little ridiculous calling my post today's news, when there was actually real news today. gak.
well, i suppose this was the news in elana's life.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Elana05

oops now i feel a little ridiculous calling my post today's news, when there was actually real news today. gak.
well, i suppose this was the news in elana's life.

Hey don't worry about it, to err is human. I would rather not concentrate on the other news, they will unfortunately be talking about that too much on TV and internet etc.

Open Eyes