[isolatedentity]

Yes, the key to it all is other people; what if they are few and powerless to make a difference. I have read a few pleadings and rantings, and a few observations and sincere replies, and just want to see what possible support there can be here .

I am a mid 40's man, single, one adult kid on their own. I have always tried to be and do good; and was always fortunate to have abilities and resources.

Born in the early 1960's in Suburbia. I had a bit of minor trouble as a teen, but then did the right things and got the American Dream, good job, good wife, big house... I never wanted kids, though. Having one broke up that marriage - and I abandoned them beecause of my uncomfort. Met someone else who was more immature than I and that collapsed soon thereafter. My parents tried to understand and assisted as much as possible. Things were still OK, though as it was.

Then I met someone who corrected all my problems, reconnected me to my kid and a yet, decade later, I abandoned her! I had been married almost constantly since I was 18 and now at 40something I wanted to see what is out there. I found it, a full year of what I had missed - yes the grass is greener at times, but it doesn't really matter, does it in the end?

I have always had few friends, mainly because I never "needed" anyone and my spouse was always "there". I regret the fact I never made friends moresow now that ever before!

But then, about that time I lost my job.But no great worry, as I had much savings and no debit. But all that is about gone now. I have been trying for months at now maximum effort to find another job. I have not even taken the time to find a girlfriend. In the small area I live, (the nearest big city is an hour away), there are few jobs aside from serious industrial labor - not even what would have been a good "union" type labor in the 60's. it's all muscle and sweat. There are few other "service" establishments here, and to drive to the next small town for a minimum wage job is the last resort of humiliation I guess?

So is that it? I gave it my all, have made plans to move to bigger and more promising places, but let that chance slip by hoping for something here. It's time to let the last hopes and chances happen and then what next if they don't appear?

Yes, my attitude may be offensively arrogant, and I am a demanding person, and maybe I deserve it all, but, have never felt so alone as now.

I still have a month or so left of funds, a decent car, good health, a place to sleep and food. But will my pride and dignity prevent me from becoming what I may need to do to survive? Is survival that important anyway? But when you have "been there and done that" and that's all there is as you see it, and no one care, then where and what?

I mean I have been fortunate and have had a good life. But I control that, and I can remove it if I choose to. But I don't want to leave this place,; yes it's pathetic and sloppy at times, and so lacking in the grace and culture of its potential, but when the "infotainment", the "stuff" and the surroundings are all no longer important, and there's no one that can really affect my mindset then as I said, what do I do?

I am trying, my best to get to stability. I am also loosing hope, Maybe I am afraid, but I am at this point, honestly, prepared to leave. Sure there are those that love me and care, but it's all just words and ideas that I have heard now already - I don't expect a handout, but I can't become something someone else wants me to be.

I have been to counselors in the past - one said I'd be better leaving the demons alone; it may cause more harm than good to work on them! I can't afford anyone now, and anyway, this is the middle of nowhere... Only recent diagnosis is Adult ADHD, and I'm on Welbutrin and Adderall for that. Oh and I am a controlled alcoholic - I'd like to stop, and I guess it will stop soon anyway one way or another.

But, is this really all there is?

I know I that there are those more deserving or needing attention and care, but I would welcome comments ideas and encouragement; just don't be mean or cruel. There's enough of that inside my head directed at myself already.

Thank you for your time,
IE

[online user]

Originally Posted by isolatedentity

Yes, the key to it all is other people; what if they are few and powerless to make a difference. I have read a few pleadings and rantings, and a few observations and sincere replies, and just want to see what possible support there can be here .

I am a mid 40's man, single, one adult kid on their own. I have always tried to be and do good; and was always fortunate to have abilities and resources.

(SNIP)
But, is this really all there is?

I know I that there are those more deserving or needing attention and care, but I would welcome comments ideas and encouragement; just don't be mean or cruel. There's enough of that inside my head directed at myself already.

Thank you for your time,
IE

I think a lot of life is enjoying simple day-to-day pleasures. I've had a big corporate job, early retirement, world travel, three husbands, each with many good & a few bad qualities, no children, but all of my family are still alive including my late eighties mom & dad. And I have quite a few friends. But still, like so many PC members, I suffer from recurrent MDD. I still get suicidal thoughts, despite therapy and heavy meds. But I've learned the things that make life the most enjoyable are the simple things--talking to a female cardinal who dropped in on the lanai rail yesterday, seeing a rainbow last Friday as hubby drove thru Chicago towards the airport in the rain, having a good game of cards with friends. The trappings don't matter much--having a roof over your head and a window to see the sky and someone to share somethings with is what is important.

You have resources; you don't seem overly worried about finding a job, so if that is possible, it doesn't really matter what kind of job it is. You will no doubt meet some new people and some you'll like and some you won't. You'll find a way to enjoy most of them, I'll bet. As long as you have a roof over your head and feel safe, that is what matters. If you have to downscale your "digs", what does it matter? You may find someone that already has a place into which you can move. Someone who will appreciate you and all that you have learned about yourself and all you have to share. Don't worry too much--let life happen!

You are old enough now to realize that people do get wiser and more capable of dealing with life and others as they age. You are no doubt better than you were when you were younger and did some of the things you did that perhaps you'd change if you could do them over. You can't do anything about that---or tomorrow--but you can control what you do today. Do look ahead, though, to income, continued housing & food & car, etc. so you maintain yourself. But don't be afraid of tomorrow--do your best to prepare yourself for it. Does this help? My gut reaction to what might be helpful for you....from the perspective of a sixty-plus woman sitting in Hawaii, writing to my PC friends.