[mweb92]

Hi. I apologize for the length, but my story is a little hard to tell succinctly.

I've been depressed since I was in the 8th grade. At the time I could only describe it to my mother as, "I don't know. I just feel lonely." She of course took it as regular "kid crap", as she puts it, and told me that that was silly when I had my family there. My relationship with my mom has a large part to do with my depression. My mom, the mother of three older sons who all wound up in jail, seemed determined to quash any of that "nonsense" of me. However, I am not like any of them. My mother did not care.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. But there were points in my life when I wished I was a different family. My mom and I are both very stubborn, and therefore the battle for "dominance" went back and forth without a winner. Over the years, the battles with my mother got nastier and nastier. They could be over anything. My mother had a furious temper, and I had a smart-*** mouth. The two didn't mix.

As high school progressed, things looked up. I made stellar grades, and wound up getting in to the top college in my state. I also started dating around Christmas of senior year a beautiful sophomore, V. The depression was virtually non-existent.

V and I had a beautiful six months together..then she cheated. I, convinced that we could still salvage our relationship, took her back. What followed was one of the most hellish periods of my life. I came to college full of excitement and ready to pound my classes into the ground. A semester later, V and I had broken up and gotten back together about two dozen times and I had failed two of my classes due to a new friend I had met at college, Mary Jane.

At the end of the semester, I was informed that my credit hours and GPA were not high enough to continue to Spring semester, and that I had to petition to return to school.

I pull no punches when I say this: V's drama was a big part of why I messed up first semester, but my poor grades were MY fault. I smoked too much, overslept and missed classes, and got my just desserts.

Returning home for winter break to tell my family that I might not be going back to college was the hardest thing I've ever done. My mother, never one to keep anything a secret, told my whole family. The result was a miserable month stuck at my house. My mother and father and I battled as though it were the apocalypse. The fights were nasty, with cruel things said on both sides. The truth is, at the time I had not yet come to terms with the fact that my poor grades were my fault. I was very whiny and misunderstanding. V got very tired of it. We also started sleeping together, something that wound up putting more stress on the relationship due to V's almost-ridiculous fear of getting pregnant. I was also trying to hide our new escapades from my mother, who had made it clear from the start that she didn't like V at all. My college issue put more stress on an already cracked pane. V also started behaving erratically, and soon was exhibiting ALL the signs of bipolar disorder. She became violent at times; her moods flipped at the bat of an eyelash. Still, I was convinced we could work.

During the harshest fight I've ever had with my mother, she informed me that I was no longer welcome in the house. The house I had grown up in for close to 13 years. If I didn't get back in to college, she said, I had to go into the military.

To make a long story succinct, I got to go back for the spring semester. I went back in January ready for a second chance, one I would not squander. I got a work-study job with the school. Things were good...except for V. Our relationship, already strained from winter break, finally cracked one night when she grew upset over the fact that I couldn't text her at work. A fight ensued, during which she showed the side of her that I had known about but ignored because I loved her, the selfish little spoiled brat side. I realized that if I was going to get my life together, she would drag down all my efforts. She stated that I had "no right" to leave her in our hometown, and that she "wanted me to come back now, to my place by her". As she demanded more and more from me, I finally snapped and told her what I had wanted to all winter break: that I had come to realize that she was a selfish, spoiled individual who would always be a taker during her life. I ended the relationship that night.

The break-up was in February, and the next day the depression came back. School was stressful, I was lonely, and I had no family. In a way, it was a second semester just as dark as the first. After three weeks of depression, I began to smoke weed as a medication and not merely a recreational drug.

Before everyone gets in arms about the weed thing, I can honestly say I would not be alive without it. Smoking everyday released stress and allowed me to clear my mind. Without it, I'm not sure I would have been able to handle the severe depression.

Unfortunately, my depression was growing more severe as classes got difficult, and I could feel myself sinking and not being able to get out. However, in March, I had a couple really good weeks and decided to try shrooms.

My shroom trip led to the second stage of my depression. While on shrooms, I thought deeply about my life and realized that the person I actually was was no better than V. I had never realized before that I was to blame for so much, that my mother had been right when she called me selfish and idiotic. I also, in a moment of awe-inspiring epiphany, realized that I had let my arrogance and pomposity rule my life, and experienced at that moment ego-death.

I emerged the next day feeling on top of the world. With my new insights, I knew what to do to succeed and become a better person. It was literally like I had become a different person overnight. Traditionally talkative, I became known for being quiet--not caused by the depression, but because for weeks afterward I had much to think about. Living without the ego in control was interesting, and everyone I knew remarked on how much happier I seemed, and how much more understanding and calm I had become.

Even that happiness didn't last. Starting in April, the depression came back stronger than ever. Involvement with a new girl did not help matters. By the end of the semester, finals seemed impassable. After each one, I cracked a bit more. My last one, Philosophy, sent me over the edge. I wound up in the woods near a secluded creek on campus, crying, pulling my hair out, and eventually I wound up climbing onto a large pipe. It was about 13 feet in the air over the creek. Standing over the water, I wanted to jump but at the same time I was terrified about botching it and only breaking a leg. It was the first time I nearly killed myself.

Since then, spring semester has ended. I did better than first semester, and I'm now taking summer courses. I have to in order to restore my academic standing, but they are hell, a semester crammed into 5 weeks. My depression gets worse sometimes, better others. I have suicidal thoughts daily regardless. I wake up in the mornings feeling like my life is a wasted effort. I am controlling my "medicine" intake, but money in the summer is hard to come by and now I'm broke halfway through the summer semesters.

I'm worried about the second summer session, which starts thursday. I'm not sure how I can handle another semester-in-5-weeks again. I am also really lonely--I miss V sometimes, but I know she would be a mistake. I have had many girls tell me I'm nice, but none of them are ever interested beyond friends. I know it shouldn't bother me, but I wind up feeling ugly and worthless. Also, It has been 6 months since I saw my family last. I do not see myself being able to go home to visit until at least December.

I worry more and more about my mother dying before I have a chance to make amends. She is 73, and I want her to know that I understand her anger with me. My life has completely change in just a little over 1 year. I've gone from being a happy, albeit arrogant complete jerk to a sad, miserable, and unstable guy. Crying is hard for me to control. TV, books, just looking at pictures--every once in a while one will cause me to have a strong reaction and bawl. I'm worried that I'm losing my mind.

I can't talk to my mother about it. She wouldn't understand. As she always famously told me and my sister after whippings, "Stop crying. Crying shows you're weak." My mother also has a strong distrust of mental My father is an early-stage Alzheimer's patient who has never acknowledged any love for me and my sister.

I don't know what to do. I feel alone, and feel like that'll never change. I just want to fix things with my family, make good grades, and find a girl to love. But the depression makes it seem unattainable.

Again, sorry for the long post. These words have been building in me for weeks.

[EvilManiac]

that was quite a mouthful. You seem to be under a LOT of pressure. I can sympathize with being in college as it is very stressful while being depressed or having emotional problems. Do you have any close friends that you talk to, hang out or just chill with?

I would also recommend getting a therapist and/or psychiatrist to help. Perhaps just talking about your problems can help. I understand that you need to smoke weed to help release your stress but you need to find a better way to do this. You seem quite intelligent so I don't think I need to tell you of the effects of marijuana on cognition and chemical imbalances which can cause depression.

I also understand your relationship problems. I have my own right now with my girlfriend. I know what it feels like to get the high of being with someone you truly love and without them you are just depressed and lonely. I think you need to find some hobbies or other things to help you pass the time instead of ruminating.

[dismantle.repair]

I looked at this topic twice before I decided to reply.

Is it possible to see the school counselor about this? It seems like you're trying to cope with some miserable circumstance- and like most of us, you weren't sure how to cope well, and developed some poor coping mechanisms.

I can't really tell you about the relationship stuff though, sorry