[fogdolphinblue]

I have struggled with mild/moderate depression for 20 years, mostly manageable with medication and off and on therapy, but have been three times diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I have been through a series of traumas/stressors over the past year that many people find heroic. The thing is, after coping in numb shock for nearly a year, I was tired of being numb from the SSRI, so I cut my dosage in half (which is what I have been on in the past). Now, six weeks after halving my dose, I can recognize all the signs of major depression again, but I am at least able to grieve and cry, which I feel I need to do in order to process what happened. So, I am in a quandary. I cannot afford therapy at this time, so would love anyone else's input.

In case my situation gives you any perspective about yours (I have been told it makes people feel better about their life to read about mine), here's my list of 2005 poopy events. I'm ready for 2006 to be better.

--I had my previously healthy significant other airlifted to Harborview for an aortic dissection, was told he'd never walk again (thankfully not true)
--He was diagnosed three months later with sarcoidosis.
--He and I parted ways 9 months ago
--My daughter was diagnosed with cancer one week before her 4th birthday
--Her dad, my x-husband, threatened my life so I had to file a protection order against him
--This caused my daughter and I to be evicted from the Ronald McDonald House
--We moved six times during her intensive chemo treatment at Children's Hospital
--We returned to the RMH after two months on the run, with the caveat her dad could not come to the premises
--My wallet was stolen
--Personal belongings were stolen by my ex out of our daughter's hospital room
--My car was smashed and my wallet stolen a second time (not by my ex)
--My ex filed a legal motion to stop my daughter and I from relocating to our island home after her intense treatment, for which I spent $2000 to combat, only to have his lawyer a no show at the hearing
--Currently my ex is not approving our daughter's right to see a counselor, and he has joint custody (alternating weekends), so his approval is necessary legally
--He has not paid for the past three months of our child's daycare costs to allow me to work
--I have exhausted the limit of the family law legal system, have gone through 3 lawyers, $40,000 over 4 years, one guardian ad litem who quit our case citing "issues" with his lawyer
--his lawyer and he are best friends, they insist on my daughter calling him "uncle Mike"
--his lawyer runs late night TV ads on Fox, one being banned by a lawyers association due to appearing to be a porn site ad.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hi and welcome to the site..I read all you have been through and it sounds a lot like PTSD complex kind to me....I AM NOT a doc but you have had trauma after trauma....You may want to post this also in PTSD ..I have no words of wisdom but you are in my prayers..I hope you reconsider seeing a T at like a free or sliding scale clinic and maybe don't change your med dose but I don't know what else you can do...much of what has goe on you are having a reactive depression to and that is normal

HUGS