Hiya all,

I've been out of the hospital for a week and just found out this morning that my dear friend from one of my 12 step meetings took her own life. I'm devastated, and am just trying to feel my feelings. I'll write more later, right now I just really want to ask for support and hugs. I'm still very fragile and want to be careful not to back slide. Thanks in advance for your understanding and support.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[lynn P.]

(((tara))) - I'm so very sorry you lost your dear friend in such a tragic way. My brother took his life 3 yrs ago. Death from suicide brings its own kind of grief and emotions that aren't present with typical grieving. It's a myriad of emotions, the first one being why and disbelief. Make sure you don't get overwhelmed and take care of yourself. So sorry again.

[Caretaker Leo]

((((tara))))
Hope you know there are many of us who care about you.

Thanks for your replies. I'm sorry for your loss Lynn. I know it's not an easy thing to go through.

Just to add more info, the last time I saw my friend was on June 1st, which was the same day I checked myself in the psych ward for severe suicidality. She was incredibly supportive. She called me while I was in the hospital and asked to come visit but I pushed her away. I didn't want to burden her and didn't want her to see me in the depths I was in. Plus everybody that did visit me went through me saying goodbye in preparation for my departure. It was a horrendous time for me and I didn't want her to see how bad I really was, even though I knew she cared and wanted to be there for me.

TRIGGER WARNING:

We really bonded over our childhood. Both my step-dad and her father were pedophiles and we were the chosen ones. We found that although we could talk at the meeting level people found it hard to hear. So we both elected to talk to each other. Although it was triggering we both found it more therapeutic than triggering. As bad as my childhood was (not minimizing here) hers was far worse. Mine was traumatic and hers was more like sadistic torture.

TRIGGER WARNING OVER

I looked through her facebook today and was disturbed to discover the following:

My preachers wife works for Stop Torture International here in San Diego and was telling the church about the need for volunteers. I talked to my friend (her name is Teresa) about it because she did volunteer work for other programs that were just as intense. She was interested and while I was in the hospital she contacted Stop Torture International. She was devastated to find out they wanted to help her as a survivor of torture rather than let her help others. That is what she said triggered the suicidal thoughts. Although I don't feel responsible for what she did I do feel guilty that I was the one that led her down that path. I guess she really wasn't ready to acknowledge the severity of what she had been through.

She was such a tormented woman. I don't fault her at all for what she did. I know for her, it was the only way she felt she could find lasting relief. I have prayed for her soul and choose to believe that God is understanding and merciful and will gladly welcome her at the gates of Heaven. I look forward to seeing her in eternity.

Thanks again for all your support and letting me talk about this, it's so vital to my mental health to talk things through and not keep it all bottled up.

Caretaker Leo - Thanks too for remininding me that I have a lot of people here who care about me. I'm really starting to let myself feel loved and cared for, and it feels good.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[Flooded]

How devastating for you!

Im really sorry to hear that tara, ((((((((((((((((tara))))))))))))))))))
Im praying for you both, I hope she found peace wherever she is.

Thanks everybody. Today has been very difficult but I continue to reach out for support here and IRL. Just trying to let myself feel the deep sadness, but am terrified that it will lead to another breakdown for me. I don't want to go there. Please help me stay strong.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[Open Eyes]

Tara
I am so sorry that you have to address this, such a difficult experience to understand and process in ones mind. Please don't blame yourself for suggesting that opportunity for her to help others you had no way of knowing that she would react to something that was said to her by someone there. And please don't feel guilty for not having her come and visit you in the hospital, after all you were not doing well and did not want to worry her and as you stated, you were not really in a place to see anyone.

I know you have been struggling and lost, but you have been taking every step possible to allow yourself to heal. At this time of doubt and confusion you must remember what your friend wanted most for you, TO HEAL AND GROW STRONG.
The best way you can remember her and honor her is to continue to do that.
She invested time in you Tara and even though she was so troubled herself her life became a way to recognise the suffering of others and doing her best to reach out and offer help. So you must remember all the things she told you about how you deserve to step away from your past and reach for the future and heal.

When someone has reached out you must always carry their essense and honor the message that they took their own time out to offer help and support you so that you may gain strength to continue on. She saw something in you that she truely felt was deserving to have the chance to live a better and healthier life, honor that she had the ability to see in you that you often questioned in yourself.

We are here to offer support Tara, make sure you take care of yourself and do not let yourself fall back. You have shown a lot more determination and strength in your sharing and I think that you are on a good path to get to the place where you will grow even stronger and realize for yourself that there is a better life for you.

It is normal to feel sad and grieve tara, but when you do, think about what she would be saying to you if it was someone else and she was there comforting you. Let her memory pick you up tara instead of falling, you know that is what she would truey want for you.

I will pray for you and I will pray for your friend.

Remember we are here to listen

Open Eyes

[MyBrainHurts]

(((((tara))))). we are here for you when you need to talk anytime and remember to use the support of your friends - they are there for you

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry for your loss! Suicide leaves so many unanswered questions. I hope she found the peace she was looking for. As for the guilt - there is no way you could have known. Sending tons of support your way!

[Sabrina]

I am really sorry for your loss Tara

[ButterfliPrincess11]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Just know that she is not suffering anymore. It is going to take some time but it will heal. Remember: she is always with you in your heart. May she reach that peace that she was looking for. May she RIP.

[WannaFunction]

Sending love your way.

Hiya all,

Thanks so much for your outpouring of love and support. This has been a really trying time for me. I know I've been talking a lot about it in chat and I want to extend my gratitude to all of you for being so patient and kind!

Love and hugs,
Tara