[arcangel]

I find it really hard to post about my problems and depression so this may end up as another half-hearted attempt. It's hard to give up though so I'll see where this goes. It's probably written for me to express myself rather than for a desire for response or dialogue. So...
I feel either the loss of ability to love or detached from love/compassion. I even question love. I'm not sure I believe in altruism anymore at all. I've come to believe that anything I do that seems compassionate, loving, or altruistic really comes from having a motive rather than being done out of love, compassion, or altruism. The motive, for those that don't understand, is getting something in return. Or in some situations the motive could simply be to prevent guilt. This applies not only to human interaction but in my interaction with animals as well. In the end result it's the same thing.
I want to be clear that this is just something that happens in the normal course of my life. I don't seek out situations to enact this false love, so I don't feel manipulative.
I don't know if this relates but I have a similar thing going on that doesn't involve people or animals. I used to "love" books and music. I haven't read a book in years. Music has become ear candy. It just doesn't touch me or move me anymore.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I don't think I want sympathy, help, or understanding. Actually I'm quite sure I don't want sympathy.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by arcangel

It's probably written for me to express myself rather than for a desire for response or dialogue.

Perfectly acceptable. Every once in a while I go over my posts to collect subjects or information for pdoc appointments or just to see what my mind has been up to.

Yes, depression has deprived me of a few former "loves." I've some pain there mixed with a lot of apathy.

[Leed]

Hi ~ When we're depressed, these emotions just "leave." Everything seems a dull gray -- you can find no joy in anything. A bright, sunny day would make most people feel good -- but when i was in the throes of depression, I longed for a gray, rainy day so I'd have an excuse to feel bad. Things that we used to love doing, or just things we used to love, i.e. music, reading, have no importance to us anymore. Nothing seems important -- it's all we can do to get thru the day!

It sounds to me like you need to talk with your doctor and perhaps get on an antidepressant -- or else get into therapy. Or both!! Depression is a serious disease, and you shouldn't just let it go thinking that it will get better on it's own. It just might NOT. MANY of us have had to take medications and/or get therapy in order to recover.

God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Perfectly acceptable. Every once in a while I go over my posts to collect subjects or information for pdoc appointments or just to see what my mind has been up to.

Yes, depression has deprived me of a few former "loves." I've some pain there mixed with a lot of apathy.

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ When we're depressed, these emotions just "leave." Everything seems a dull gray -- you can find no joy in anything. A bright, sunny day would make most people feel good -- but when i was in the throes of depression, I longed for a gray, rainy day so I'd have an excuse to feel bad. Things that we used to love doing, or just things we used to love, i.e. music, reading, have no importance to us anymore. Nothing seems important -- it's all we can do to get thru the day!

It sounds to me like you need to talk with your doctor and perhaps get on an antidepressant -- or else get into therapy. Or both!! Depression is a serious disease, and you shouldn't just let it go thinking that it will get better on it's own. It just might NOT. MANY of us have had to take medications and/or get therapy in order to recover.

God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Hey there Rohag and Lee Thanks for the replies. It's been a long time since I started a thread so I should cover the basics. I've been through depression a few times. The first time it was bad enough to require treatment was back in 1978 when I was 24 years old. It lasted less than a year. Had a couple of extended episodes that required treatment since then. Each time was a little worse and lasted longer than the one before. And I am on medication...Effexor XR. Been taking that since about 2000 or somewhere thereabouts.
This loss of love thing is a fairly recent development. I used to be able to find solace or escape in books or music. Frequently I could still find some joy or at least inspiration in books and music as well. I was also capable of real empathy or compassion in the past. Now I'm not sure I feel anything at all. I know that all of us tend to forget how bad depression, anxiety, and the other little nasty things that are common to mental illness really feel when we recover but...it just feels different this time. I'll try to explain more later.

[Knitnut]

Depression has robbed me of the ability to even begin to have a meaningful relationship. Who wants someone who is so depressed anyway.

I am 62, and to date, I have never had a close friend. The years that I should have been working at that are far gone. Those years were filled with attempting to help my son who became violent at age of 9; hasn't lived at home since age 14, now 37. I am the only one in the family who never deserted him and we talk regularly.

I have been emotionally alone for 26 years; since my divorce in 1985.

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by bigcasper

Depression has robbed me of the ability to even begin to have a meaningful relationship. Who wants someone who is so depressed anyway.

I am 62, and to date, I have never had a close friend. The years that I should have been working at that are far gone. Those years were filled with attempting to help my son who became violent at age of 9; hasn't lived at home since age 14, now 37. I am the only one in the family who never deserted him and we talk regularly.

I have been emotionally alone for 26 years; since my divorce in 1985.

I don't think you have to accept that as the way it is and always will be.
I've never had a problem attracting friends but I could not tell you why simply because I don't understand it myself. As a matter of fact I don't particularly like me myself. I have no idea how I was fortunate enough to have so many friends.
In my previous bouts w/ depression and anxiety I had friends. Some were very good friends that were very helpful in fighting off the D&A and resuming a "normal" life.
Don't give up hope of finding friendship.