[Taonuviel]

I missed some of my meds this weekend, for 3 days - still had 1/3 but needed refills on the others. So maybe I'm more emotional right now as it builds back up in my system. I dunno. I think otherwise I tend to be numb and drifting about, just trying to get stuff done and not succeeding. But right now I feel I could tear up, and want to scream/cry out in some angsty manner.

I'm supposed to be doing a class assignment, which is due in about 3 hours. Got a grade back on my paper for the class last night... 12/19. Ouch. He said it was good/written well but marked down because it was pretty late. He only accepted it at all because I told him in the beginning of the class that I have issues with depression and thinking and whatever.

I feel mentally block-paralyzed over all I have to get done to possibly pass this class still... and soon. And over the even more I have to get done that's really late and still coming up in my other two classes - my other prof who teaches both of those is more flexible, but flexibility only goes so far. And I have two incomplete classes from last semester.

What the heck am I doing? I want to bang my head on this desk - except I don't really want to, I never really got much satisfaction from self-inflicting pain, and it doesn't feel like a natural move to me to bang my head on the desk. Anyway... I hate this. I understand the material. I really obviously do, as my work is good when I do manage to turn it in. I just get... writing constipated. Blocked. Yeah.

I wish I could just move on to the real work, and skip this regurgitation and hypotheticals - I know what I'm doing! It's why some of my profs are so willing to work with me, they can see I get it and have great potential as a social worker, and as social workers they're familiar with how depression works. They praise my insight. And I understand there's a lot of writing in social work - but that's the kind of writing I do pretty easily - reporting on tangible things, what happened and what I've been told by clients, pulling together what I see with what I've learned to write recommendations. And charting - which I already do in my job, along with developing goals with clients, leading groups, stuff I'll be doing with just more credentials and expectations once I have a degree and job as a social worker - which I'm doing well at this level. And filling out forms - easy.

I just want to get into field placement, I wish my other classes could be graded on just participation in class to demonstrate comprehension... not these abstract papers that hold me up. The guided/monitored experience of field placement is what will be most beneficial - and I know I'll shine at it! I'm excited for it. But to get to it... how... all I want to do is escape right now, to sleep all day, or escape in little digital games or internet browsing...

I've heard 70% of all people with severe and persistent mental illnesses have a substance abuse problem - I bet the rest of us just have problems with other modes of escapism... the things we start talking about being addictions - internet addiction, gaming addiction, shopping addiction, porn/sex addiction, gambling addiction - whether such things really qualify as "addictions" or not they're escapism just like the addictions. Things which may or may not be harmful alone, but which get used too much, in wrong contexts, when we need to be doing other things, to escape the things that feel too hard to face, to feel better... just like drugs and alcohol.

- This thought I actually find meaningful. Something which could merit research, and understanding.

[akekaomen]

I wonder if you're school has any accommodations for those who are depressed. Sometimes there's an administrative accommodation that requires the teachers to take assignments later than normal. Anyway, I can relate to this because when I was in grad school, I ended up failing 2 classes because I was so depressed I didn't even finish the work. I had to work hard to make up for that and didn't even finish grad school in the end.

Try to remember that you are more than your grades/how a teacher grades you. In the working world, everything is done late (I depend on this fact as a depressed unmotivated person LOL).

Hopefully after you get your meds stabilized again, it will all start falling into place for you overall. It's hard to come up with a strategy to cope when the meds aren't in line. I just suggest working out your strategy to get through this time. It's not fun, but it is where you are now. Accepting that is hard, but you can do it and you can come up with a way to get yourself through this until you move on to the next thing.

[Taonuviel]

My first semester in grad school I got 3 F's and an A. My work is very good if I manage to turn it in... the A was the class I was granted an incomplete for. I was saved to continue following the completion of that incomplete without academic suspension because I was dual-enrolled as I finished my undergrad - the graduate grades didn't affect my undergraduate GPA, but they also didn't register in the graduate system for an automatic suspension. I returned to re-take the failed classes, under the conditions that I could not withdraw or take an incomplete in any of them. I managed 2 A-'s and a C+ - I never did get the final assignment turned in for the class with the C. Last semester I earned a B+ and took 2 I's, which are still hanging over my head.

My prof in the class with the 12/19 paper said it was one of the best in the class. It was a week late, so I'm pretty sure he knocked it a point for each day - which is either what the syllabus said or more generous than the syllabus said - which was no late papers would be accepted, and if any were accepted, they'd be docked by each day late. He's trying to be fair and stick to the syllabus while working with me by accepting the paper late...

I'm tired and need to get offline and into bed... dunno why I'm even responding at this point, I can tell my meds are leveling again, my emotions are dulling. I'm not really sure if that's a good or bad thing, because I feel very fake with dulled emotions when I know I feel so empty and it hurts but I can feel so little distress over it as I continue to struggle on. But without the meds I'm completely incapacitated... so it's not like I have an option really.

Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah...