[dismantle.repair]

*potentially triggering*

I don't DESERVE to feel crappy. (not as in I deserve to feel great, but my life was decent and I had few problems so why the hell do I feel so horrid?)
I didn't come from a broken home- my folks were great. Strict, disciplinarian, but all around, decent.
I never got attached. I was quite the loner in high school. I always thought it better that way. Yeah, I longed for friends, but because kids can be cruel, I didn't have that many. Had alot of acquaintances, because I constantly smiled, but few friends, if any at all.
The last couple years of high school, I made friends. I let myself get attached. Only to get seriously hurt because I looked at religion differently. So I ended up finishing high school as a loner anyway. Pretty pathetic right?

I started college, on a scholarship. I've got friends now. I think. Sometimes I wonder. People would forget about me if I were gone. I'm unimportant.
My father passed away when I was a teenager. My mother is.. detached.
I should be like her.
So why do I still despair?
I have no right to feel like this. I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time by exaggerating miniscule problems. I'm pathetic.

[danii24]

I dnt think your being pathetic. I have often felt that way because i dnt have many friends. I found school very hard too when i was younger because it was too hard to make friends with people. Not because i didnt like them but because i just found it hard.

"I've got friends now. I think. Sometimes I wonder. People would forget about me if I were gone. I'm unimportant." I feel like this alot because i made friends in college but outside college i dnt really mix with them. I tried to but theres 2 many things holding me back. I think i have social phobia i have nvr been diagnosed but i avoid social situations because they make me panick and feel awkward.

You dnt deserve it and you do deserve to feel great we all do but for some reason we cant. With me its my depression. It has taken over my life and the socail phobia. Do u go to councilling or have a doctor you can talk things through with ?

[rubyindie]

@ crash& burn...write here about every thing you feel and use this place to use it to vent out your feelings.as a person who has been thru similar things and going thru other probs now.i feel since u have identified your problems atleast most of them its a start. the only fix for this could be just being yourself. god never meant all people to be same, some get friends simply by being themselves, some go get them friends by blending in. you're young so u have all the time to find out friends by trial and error . u will eventually find one or two or more really good friends. try reading up on how to win friends and how to make small changes in yourself to attract friends. like how to start a conversation, right attitudes in groups, rightmanners and the benfits of understanding and being yourself.the point to focus is you need to move your life forward so you get to choose your friends according to your own personality and aspirations in life. be the change you want to see....all the best

[disguise123]

ah crash and burn, sometimes its not our life that creates our despair but our chemical make up.
Sometimes its ingrained in our personalities. But your right noone deserves to feel despair

[dismantle.repair]

I've dysthymia. And I do have friends... I guess this is just one aspect of my depression that still haunts. I feel like I don't deserve to be complaining or venting. I'm alone.
The counselor thinks I'm well enough to get on with life now :P
Oh, I wonder if I should prove her wrong.

[danii24]

dnt worry about venting u need 2 vent some times r u'll go mad. do u not agree with your therapist ??

[dismantle.repair]

Honestly no I don't...

[danii24]

Originally Posted by crash&burn

Honestly no I don't...

Why dnt u????? you cant bottle things either because it can bring u dwn

[dismantle.repair]

I'm a perfectionist.
I'm living in the shadow of a sibling I could never live up to.
I have a tremendous amount of self loathing, and a minimal amount of self esteem.
I'm never... good enough.
I can't rant about something I can't explain. I can't explain away these feelings. But I can't justify them.

I should just shut my mouth and go with it, right?

[rubyindie]

dont shut your mouth because u think or someone thinks so....
think abt it ..everyone has these mood dips and ups too... someday you will figure out that life is not about keeping score of points for you or for anyoneelse for that matter, its about beliving , living and being grateful for all that u have been given and praying for the ones who werent so lucky to have as much as you have. pls dont look outside you will never get from the outer world what u can find within. you will always feel sad and alone and deprived when you look for yardsticks to measure yourself in the world outside you. you will only belive what u want to...belive you are special and take pleasure in giving as much as you recieve and watch your world change. one step at a time......hugs

[dismantle.repair]

I'm sorry... All I see within is weakness. =\
I should've died that night. I'm a failure. I shouldn't have failed that...

*sorry for the trig*

[rubyindie]

ok u feel that way but you need not feel this way after a few days. just try to list out all the good things you have done just to valdate yourself. small things, like i fixed my lil neighbours dolly which had a broken arm with glue and it made her smile. that is what life is the lil things that bring a smile to your face. list it and you will get a start about the things u can be grateful for. moments of uncontrolable laughter, of pure puppy love, some realy good dessert.write it out . take the effort to find yourself thats the only way to find happiness.hugs...