[TerryL]

It all started 10 yrs ago when I lost 3 of my pet bunnies tragically. I am a huge animal lover and have very deep compassion for them. When my bunnies died I felt their deaths were partly my fault and I was consumed with guilt. I cried every day for over 15 months. I even got a chronic illness because I never expressed my pain. I kept all my negative emotions inside and was depressed for over 5 years. Looking back their deaths were not really my fault. I did finally seek the help of a pet loss counselor and that helped me tremendously but I still carried guilt inside me for some reason. I had 2 boy bunnies left who lived cage free but separated to keep them from fighting. I wanted to do my best for them to make up for what happened with the other bunnies. But I felt bad they might be lonesome. It never occurred to me to give them away. I had rescued them and viewed them as my kids. Then in 2006 my mother's breast cancer recurred and I quit my job to help her battle it. She was quite elderly but still driving and very independent. She lived on her own, 5 minutes away from my place. I started to think that maybe we should live together but because her building did not allow pets, and she did not want to move in with me, we decided to keep our living arrangements as is. I saw her every day and cooked and juiced for her every day and went with her to all her doctor appointments. Her cancer was at bay. I would occasionally bring up the fact that I worried about her living by herself but I could not bring myself to give up the bunnies. So I tried to get the Life Alert for my mother but she did not like the system. My sister owned a unit in my building and we suggested she move there. However my other sister talked her out of it (I found out later). I did not want to pressure my mom to move anyways because I knew she loved her apartment. I knew I needed to be the one to make the sacrifice. So I decided to get girl companions for the boy bunnies so I could then move in with mom without worrying that the boys would be lonely. But it takes a while to bond bunnies and I had never it before. But before I could finish I went to visit my mom one morning and found her dead on the ground. I have been wracked with guilt ever since. I never thought my mother would die. I don't think her cancer had killed her because it was so sudden and her checkups had been fine. She had been getting pressure in her chest but her EKG had been ok. The day before she died she had even told me she felt wonderful. My neighbor had once commented that I was complacent and I didn't even realize at the time what she meant. One of my sisters said I chose the bunnies over mom. Another acquaintance blurted out that I should have been watching over her better. But the loudest voice is my own. I wish I had tried harder to think outside of the box - I could have moved in with mom and just visited the bunnies. The thought never occurred to me. I have seen several therapists but nothing has eased my guilt. It is always with me and I feel paralyzed by it. Most days I just numb myself with TV. I have been looking for a job but dread having to put on a happy face at work. Life is hell....

[Leed]

Hi Terry ~ I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. It's so very hard losing your parents.

Terry, it wouldn't have mattered if you had been there or not -- she would have died anyway. Something happened (perhaps her heart?) and this was just her time. You would feel just as bad if you had been there. We tend to blame ourselves when we can't 'save' a family member, but we don't have the power to do that. Chances are you wouldn't have been able to change anything even if you lived there.

So stop beating yourself up -- it's difficult enough to grieve for a loved one without adding guilt to the issue. She's free of pain now -- she'll have no more illness. And remember that she's ALWAYS with you.

Please be good to yourself as that is what she would want. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[TerryL]

Hi Leed,

Thank you for your reply. I understand what you are saying but can't seem to get my mind to absorb it. I know I might not have been able to save my mother even if I was living with her but at least I would then have tried everything I could to keep her safe. I feel that I let her down and I haven't been able to forgive myself for that. She was so vibrant and socially active right up to the end that I just did not think anything bad would happen to her. She was never in any pain. Also, at the time my boy bunnies were both diagnosed with serious ailments and I was trying to save them and was so distracted by that. Since mom's death I have just felt so alone. My sister got tired of listening to me, and my friends don't really understand the depths of my despair. I have been journaling which helps. I have withdrawn from the world. I'm just so glad I found this forum so that I could share my feelings with people who understand what depression is like. Thank you so much again for listening. Terry

[Rohag]

Hello, TerryL!

Originally Posted by TerryL

...but can't seem to get my mind to absorb it.

Yes, that's how it is. It's almost as if depression is another "I" who has taken up controlling residence in my mind, and Depression is not listening to "reason."

Originally Posted by TerryL

I have been journaling which helps.

Good! In my personal battle with the illness, depression-guilt-shame have defied all attempts at uprooting. They can be somewhat confined, however, by adding positive things to life.

May the memory of your mother and of your bunnies be blessed.

[Rose76]

I used to have a job that involved a lot of long distance driving in very remote areas. I would sometimes see wild life, like deer and quail and rabbits. One time I was leaving an assignment at a place way out in the middle of nowhere. There was a lot of wild life around the area. I had barely gotten out of the parking lot when I ran over a rabbit. It was a small cotton tail rabbit. I was devastated. I couldn't even tell my significant other because it was too upsetting to even talk about. I told myself that I had pulled out of the parking lot too quickly. I told myself that I hadn't been looking ahead as carefully as I should have.

The truth was that I had pulled out the same way I always did. The thing that was different was that I was not used to how common wild animals are in rural areas. I was unprepared because I didn't know any better. Still, the guilt was pretty bad.

I continued with this traveling job for about two years. During that time I had experiences driving down secondary highways at night, where there was no light but my headlights, and from time to time I would feel a thud under one of my tires. I came to realize that I was probably hitting desert hares, or possibly coyotes. There was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent this from happening from time to time. I was lucky that I didn't ever hit something big, like an elk, an end up endangered, myself. But the small animals that ran across the highway at the time I was coming down it were not lucky.

I'm very sensitive, so it is surprising to me that I came to be able to cope with it. I needed my job. And I was needed at the places I went to. I was a traveling nurse. Somehow, I came to accept that where there are highways going through remote areas, there are going to be animals who get hit or run over by vehicles. Somehow, I came to accept that this is just how life is and I can't change that. After a year or so, I could feel that tell-tail thud and not become upset about it. Now and then, I did rescue an occasional dog in one small town or another.

I saved some animals and I caused the death of some animals. I was glad that traveling allowed me to rescue a few dogs. But the same traveling killed some animals. I came to believe that I was doing the best I could to be responsible and that some sad things happen and that is life. I didn't design how life is. It's not my job to try and make the world pain free for all living things. No one can do that.

TerryL, You tried very hard to care for your mother. You did try very hard to care for your pets. But no matter how hard you try to prevent pain, loneliness, and death, those things will happen to people and animals you care about. And NO MATTER how hard you try to think of the BEST plan that considers all whom you love, you will often be able to see in hindsight that you could have maybe had a better plan. Whether that plan would really have been better is something you can not ever really know because you can never know how something else would really have worked.

You are taking far, far too much responsibility for guaranteeing that way too many things go a certain way. And, because people can be cruel, some are encouraging you to feel this awful guilt. Start to let go of the idea that you were supposed to make sure things worked out a certain way. No human being can do that. Compassion makes you wish you could. That is what is beautiful about you. You will be even more beautiful when you turn some of this compassion upon yourself. You were a good son. As a nurse, I feel I can tell you that your mother might have gone through something worse, if her life had not ended in the way it did, right after she was feeling so good. But that is one of the mysteries of life that we humans are not allowed to know for sure.

[TerryL]

Thank you for your replies. I do treasure your kind and encouraging words. I have tried very hard to do what you all have advised but some days it has been very difficult. It doesn't help that the chronic illness caused by my initial bout of grief many years ago is getting worse. I have always had low self-esteem so trying to "accept" myself and the choices I made is an ongoing struggle. I kick myself for not being more vigilant over mom's care but I also know I tried. I am worried that I am punishing myself in some way, whether consciously or subconsciously. (eg knowing what I need to do for my health and not doing it) I miss my ex boyfriend because he really cared about me and listened to me and gave great advice but I had to let him go as he got married. I have wasted 10 years feeling sad and guilty and I just want some happiness and peace again. I'm really glad I can vent my feelings here. Thanks again.

ps..I am a female.

Hello, TerryL. How has your guilt helped you or your mother?

http://www.chs.fsu.edu/~ffincham/papers/Self-Forgiveness-jscp-in%20press.pdf

[Rose76]

Terry, You were a good and caring daughter. Stop kicking yourself. No amount of vigilance can control how things happen. No amount of "being more vigilant" is ever going to be enough. That kind of thinking is like a cat chasing its tail, and thinking, if it just runs faster, it can catch it.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, TerryL. How has your guilt helped you or your mother?

It hasn't. I wish I could change my mindset. That is really hard to do. Probably why my therapists got frustrated. I have so many "should have"s rolling around in my brain. I have had periods when I was able to come to terms with what happened, to understand why I made the choices that I made, but the guilt always resurfaces.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Terry, You were a good and caring daughter. Stop kicking yourself. No amount of vigilance can control how things happen. No amount of "being more vigilant" is ever going to be enough. That kind of thinking is like a cat chasing its tail, and thinking, if it just runs faster, it can catch it.

I hear you Rose. I do try on a daily basis to be compassionate towards myself. I know I can't help it that I feel such compassion for animals, that I want to protect them so much especially after what I had gone through with the other bunnies' deaths. I never wanted to got through that kind of sadness again. So ironic that in trying to avert that grief, I let down my guard with my mother and ended up with another bout of guilt and grief. The way I got over the guilt over the bunnies' death was by examining the facts and realizing their deaths were not really not my fault. I have been trying to do that with Mom's death.

[Rose76]

I think you are barking up the wrong tree. Let's suppose that a person had a mother who really did die because of something thoughtless or careless that this person did. Let's suppose the daughter left something big (a big heavy box) on the floor and her mother, who has very poor eyesight, tripped over it and broke her hip and pelvis. Then, let's suppose that this mother got pneumonia in the hospital and passed away.

I can see where all her other children would be mad at the daughter who left the big box right where Mom could, and did, trip over it. But should they stay mad at their sister forever? Should that daughter feel horribly guilty for the rest of her life?

I would say, "It depends." If that daughter was always doing such careless things and never went out of her way to do anything helpful, then people would probably stay mad at her. I'll bet she wouldn't stay mad at herself. I'll bet she would say that it was just an accident and those things happen and she wouldn't feel all that guilty. Why? Because all her life that daughter never really cared about anyone including her mother.

But let's think of another possibility. Suppose that daughter was kindhearted and caring and had done lots of nice things for her mother and for people and, even, animals. Then I would reach a different conclusion. If the other children are fair and decent people then they will tell their sister to understand that people make mistakes and sometimes the result is something bad, but they forgive her because she never intended what happened. They would say think of all the good things you did.

I'll bet that daughter would have a lot of guilt because she is so sorry that she left the box where she left it. She hates to see anything bad happen to anyone, and she really hates to cause pain to anyone. That reaction would be normal and understandable. That feeling might always be with her.

However, as she becomes mature, she will forgive herself. She will know that if one of her sisters left the big box in a bad spot, she would forgive her sister who did that. She would know that things happen and things go wrong and we are all only human.

Think about it.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I think you are barking up the wrong tree.

Well, the sister who said I chose the bunnies over Mom does not hold what happened against me, she has just always been blunt. My other siblings have never said an accusing word towards me. They all know I have felt terrible over what happened. But like I said my own voice is the loudest. Still, I know I did try. I just wish I had tried harder.

Rose, I hear what you are saying. I am working on forgiving myself. When a mistake happens and someone dies because of it, whether directly or indirectly, it is not easy to get over. I know life is short and I don't want to die an unhappy person.

Thank you so much for trying to make me feel better.

[TerryL]

Woke up feeling so depressed. The depression and guilt started descending yesterday. Ironically it is was my mother who brought me up to be a very responsible person. She always told me not to make excuses and to own up to my mistakes. I am now living the dark side of being responsible. Another thing is some days I feel ok, some days I have accepted what happened, so no one who knows me knows that I still have days like today. I am in so much pain. sigh....

[Rose76]

I'm sorry that you are experiencing days so full of suffering. There is such a thing as an excessive, inappropriate sense of being responsible. This is a disorder, and it can lead to emotional illness. It is not the same thing as being very, very responsible. Being very responsible is not a disorder. I think you are a responsible person, which is a healthy way to be. I think you also have a mixed up way of thinking that is not a result of being responsible. It is the result of something and you might be able to think about what that could possibly be. A counselor might be able to help you with that.

[TerryL]

I agree with you Rose. I have wondered if how I think is normal. Have wondered maybe it's because I am the only real child of my parents, my siblings are all adopted. My mother had me when she didn't think she could ever get pregnant. Could I have something akin to survivor's guilt? I have seen several therapists and they have all gotten frustrated with me. They tell me what you all have told me. I have not found one that will dig deep into my psyche to try to find out why I am the way I am.

or it could be my guilt is justified. One is supposed to take care of one's parents and I messed up, however unintentionally. sigh...

[Rose76]

No TerryL, it's not normal. Well . . . there are those who object to the use of that word. Let's say that the way you think is guaranteed to make you sick, as it is doing on the days when you feel in pain. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the different ways that your siblings and you arrived into your original home might, indeed, have affected the interpersonal dynamics within the home. That could be a very involved issue to try and explore. Most likely, as we tend to find in a lot of cases that have been studied, no one thing explains it all.

I have had therapists get frustrated with me, too. Many of them are going by a theory that says there is not a lot of good to come out of what is in the past, so let's focus on the here and now. For some clients, that can be the way to go. In your case - probably not. If digging deep is your objective, I think a good therapist should assist you toward the objective that you select. The main person who'll have to do the digging, though, is you. Some of that work you can do on your own. I do think that you need a counselor for support.

[TerryL]

I have tried several therapists but I always came away thinking she did not ask me what I wanted her to ask me. That's when I realized I knew what I needed, I knew what was best for me and that maybe I could help myself, especially since a therapist is not always available. Plus I don't have health insurance. But I guess self reflection was not enough. This forum has really helped. I'm sorry we are all here in pain but I am glad I have someone to talk to about this.

I feel shame that I did not give up my pets to move in with Mom but I rescued them and 2 of them each lost an eye and I cared for them through their surgeries and recovery so I felt so bonded to them. I knew of many neglected bunnies who died tragic deaths and I thought they would end up that way if I gave them away. I did now want any more guilt. (lol) I also don't have kids so my maternal instincts just took over. When I even hear that an animal has passed away, even one that I don't know, I start to cry. That is just how I was born so giving the old buns away just seemed unthinkable, at the time. Of course, if I had known the price my mother and I would have to pay for keeping them, I would have tried harder for a solution to the living arrangements.