[At a loss]

I have been with my husband for 18 years and he has been on a emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs all his life (Now 41). Right now he is at one of the worst downs I have seen him in. I'm a very grounded person and I handle emotions and feelings of others and myself very well. Most of the time in the past it was one thing or another. Work made him down and home was good. Friends were good and home made him feel down. This time around he is just down on life and really seems to have no balance and really does not seem to care to have any kind of balance or hope. Now I know one person can not make another person happy but I'm AT A LOSS as to what I can do to help. He does have an addictive personality and it seems like this time he as dwelled on being so down that this is his new addiction. Any advise? For the first time I feel his emotions are begining to affect me and I'm begining to feel sad not so much sad for him but just blue, like I can't do anything to help and it hurts to see him like this. It's the caretaker in me.

[dragonfly2]

I'm sorry that you and your husband are struggling right now. Has he ever been treated for any of his mood issues, either with meds or therapy? It sounds like this should be your next course of action - getting him in to see a doctor. A psychiatrist would be best, but if he's unwilling to see a psych, then his regular doctor will do. Now, all I have for information is the snapshot in your post, but it sounds like his mood shifts are biological in nature, and need to be looked at from a medical standpoint first. Therapy may very well be needed and can be extremely helpful, but I would first address the probable biological cause for his moods.

What do his "ups" look like? This will be very important to tell the doctor, and not just talk about his depressions. If he has bipolar disorder, then the medicines they may give him for depression can actually make him worse.

As far as his mood worsening in different situations, that's not uncommon. Some situations can trigger mood changes, even within a biological illness. And I would doubt that he is "addicted" to the depression. Oftentimes, when we get depressed, it becomes a familiar place, even though it can be painful and we really don't want to be there. Yet in some way it is oddly comforting- sort of like being stuck in a pool of mashed potatoes. In any case, it's not something that we can just pull out of, no matter how much our family tries to help. I commend you for staying by him for so long. I have bipolar disorder and my husband and I have been together for 19 years. It has been very difficult at times, but he has stuck by me, and I with him (he has unipolar depression), and it has been worth it.

So, first thing to do would be to get him in to see the doctor. They should test him for other biological conditions that could cause fatigue and depression-like symptoms (thyroid issues, anemia, viruses, etc).

Now, you also need to take care of yourself. Are you able to get some time to yourself, to do something *for* yourself? Once he's in treatment, the best thing you can do for him is keep yourself healthy. It might even be a good idea for you to talk to a therapist to help you find balance in caring for him, other responsibilities, and self-care.

With some time and the right treatment, you and your husband can get off the emotional roller coaster.

Peace, Dragonfly

[madisgram]

it sounds as tho your hubby is clinically depressed. i'm no doc mind u. i'd encourage him to go to therapy. if he is clin. depressed meds may help him cope but it is much more beneficial to have meds plus therapy. you're right, you can't fix this, imho. hugs.