Feeling a bit better

I don't wake up feeling depressed and anxious first thing anymore. I still haven't gone back to work. I need to just suck it up and stop being scared of these people. I don't have the type of job where I need to be there. I'm basically a contractor and can do my trade at my house or other peoples' houses if I had to. I just want to keep my home life separate from my work life. I keep telling myself I'll just sneak in there early in the morning and get my stuff and not look back. But it's hard for me to decide. I am weighing my options, but time is running out. IDK if the meds are kicking in, but I still do worry about being able to pay my rent and bills for next month. The job I have makes it hard for me to save and I get more depressed when I'm broke. I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in the office and see if they even care that I'm gone. Am I blowing this out of proportion, or what? I need a therapist. Friends mean well, but... I don't know why I'm like this.

Also, where I currently work is awash in drugs (mainly marijuana and liquor). Since I haven't been there, I haven'y drank in 8 days. I don't really like smoking weed because it jumbles my mind and makes me feel anxious, like I'm about to make a speech and paranoid. When I'm at work, I sneak to the LQ (liquor store) & gulp a half pint when things are slow or people are there that I feel intimidated by. I ususally go overboard. I really wanted to stop drinking because I was tired of being hungover and hurling bile. Not to mention blacking out and making a fool of myself. I just want something better in my life, I know I can do better. I feel guilty about leaving because the owner did give me a chance to work there, and 2 other employees left abruptly,but I get depressed returning to that part of town day after day. That's where I grew up, and the subway goes by my old apartment where I watched my schizophrenic grandmother suffer from 2 strokes while my family ignored her & my mother died back in '97. I see that everyday I go out there and have cried to myself a couple of times while riding by. I guees I feel better because I haven't been in that area and feeling trapped in the painful past. Why is it so hard to be okay like everyone else?

Can you get to any AA meetings? I feel like sobriety, or getting to a point where you don't need to drink as much, would help you tackle the other emotional issues. It may also give you a new lease on life because you will not feel as sick as often. You can typically get a mentor out of AA who will keep you accountable for your actions. (Atleast my dad did) If AA is not an option, talk to your pdoc about programs and they can probably help you find a program that will cater to your needs.

IMO Meds typically don't work when you are drink.