[bookbuff]

This is a bit lengthy, so please bear with me. When I was a kid I was best friends with someone I'll call Bill. I cant recall how old I was when we first met or even how. Maybe we were around 6 or 7 years old. He was only a few months older than me. He didnt live in my neighborhood, so I had to take a bus to his place. We'd hang out every weekend, on holidays when we had days off from school (we went to separate schools), and in the summertime, we went to the same day camp for a few summers in a row. When I would go over to his place, his mom could be irritating to me (for example, after I'd leave, she'd call up my mother to complain about how my hands were dirty. After a whole day of playing with her son, what did she expect on my hands? Fairy dust?) , but at least his mother was not the mean, abusive, crazy psychotic that my mom was.

For various reasons, every now and then a few weeks or a few months would go by in between the times we would see each other. Not out of fights. As we entered our mid to late teens, these lengthy pauses would grow in number. Mainly due to his having a job and me not having any money to hang out (I couldnt get a job due to various reasons I wont go into). Also because I was getting tired of watching him move up in the world while I stayed in place, not going anywhere.

The last time I saw him was when we were in our late teens. This was after one of those pauses after we had not seen or talked to each other for almost around a year. He came by my place to pick me up (it was rare for him to come to my home. Usually I went over to his place). Whats more, he came in a car, and had his girlfriend by his side. It stunned me that he had a drivers license, a car, and a girlfriend. The second to last time I saw him, he had none of those things. We hung out that night for a few hours or so, with him driving around. I mostly had my mouth hanging open at how much my friend had evolved. It made me feel really small and insignificant. And much more embarassed about my life. Even though we were both the same age, in my own eyes I was still a child, while he moved on to adulthood. He drove me back home, and that would be the last time I would see him or hear from him. The lines of communication was always open between us, but I just couldnt bring myself to call on him anymore, nor did he ever bother to get in contact with me. Around 25 years would go by before I would ever lay eyes on him again. (I still have his old home phone number committed to memory even though I havent dialed it in around almost 30 years)

Several years ago I needed to do some food shopping. Near my apartment was a street fair of some sort. In order to get to and from the supermarket, I had to go through this street fair. I did my shopping and was walking home pulling a bunch of groceries in my little shopping cart when about halfway home I stepped onto the street that had the street fair. I wasnt interested in any of the food, games, rides, various venders, etc. (couldnt afford it anyways). So I just kept on going. As I was walking down the street, I saw up ahead a couple of cops standing in front of a store. I figured they were stationed there because of the street fair. I walked on until I was going right past those 2 cops. I turned my head to look at them as I passed right in front of them and I couldnt believe my eyes. One of them was my old friend Bill in a police officers uniform. I thought that maybe I was seeing things. Maybe he only looked like my old friend. I gazed down to look at his nameplate on his uniform. Sure enough it was him. Although we had looked straight at each other, he didnt recognize me. Not a flicker of recognition in his eyes. To him I was just another pedestrian. Although since we last saw each other, I've long since grown about maybe a foot taller, 175 pounds heavier, I now wear glasses, and had a full beard and mustache (I hate to shave. Got no reason to, really). So I looked nothing like my old self.

I kept on walking down the block until I found a bench. I decided to sit there and watch my old friend from half way down the block. Kind of study him. While the face and the name was the same, his body language told me that this was a completely different person altogether than the kid I once knew. He sort of carried himself with an air of dignity, pride, confidence and self respect. Whats more, I noticed that whenever other pedestrians walked up to him to engage him (I assume for some information or directions), they would approach him with quite a bit of deference, as if they were approaching a king instead of just a police officer.

You might be wondering why I just didnt go up to him and say "hi, how you doing? What have you been doing with yourself?" Exchange phone numbers and email addresses with the guy. Something like that instead of just sitting there down the block, staring at him. Well, back a week or two after when I last saw him over 25 years earlier, I decided that I got tired of watching him move up in the world, in his personal life, while I stagnated in mine. I was getting more and more ashamed of my circumstances, how I lived (my poverty, my mental illness, etc). So I made a pledge, a promise to myself that I wouldnt re-establish contact with him (or any of the other kids from my past), until after I have made something of my life. It didnt have to be big, like say being rich and famous like Donald Trump (though admittedly that would be nice). It could be something small and simple. Something in which I could hold MY head up with some pride and dignity. A 9-5 job that I liked and paid well. A nice, comfortable 3 bedroom house somewhere out in the suburbs. A wonderful wife and kids who loved me. But none of that ever came to pass (thanks to my mental health and soon to be deteriorating physical health). Instead, as the years went by, everything went downhill for me and I found myself living on public assistance. Living a lonely life. The one positive step forward I ever made since the time I last saw my friend, indeed in my entire life, is the day I moved out of my mothers house and into a place of my own. But that isnt anything to brag about because I didnt make that move until I was in my late 30s and then it was only to move into a government subsidized apartment.

Anyways, I sat there watching my friend until he strolled off somewhere. I thought that maybe he went off duty, lunch break, or maybe called away to somewhere else. In any case after he didnt return for a couple minutes, I got up and returned home. And pretty much spent the rest of the day there in stunned silence.

Next day (street fair was over) I went to the local library to go on the computers to look up my old friend. I looked for him on google, myspace, facebook, etc. I discovered several things about him. Yes, he is a police officer. I wasnt just seeing things. Not only that, he's married with a couple of kids and owns an expensive 3 bedroom condo. He's posted pics of pretty much everything. His wife, their kids, his home, himself, and even his police car. I couldnt find out for how long he's been a member of the police force, but from what few clues I've gathered, I am guessing that its somewhere between 9-15 years. Maybe a little bit longer than 15 years, maybe a little less than 9. I also estimate that due to the length of his time on the force, he's earning somewhere in the low end of six figures. (I dont think he could have afforded a 3 bedroom condo on a rookie's salary). And that doesnt even include overtime.

I went home from the library to my apartment where I cried my eyes out of depression. He has all the things I could only hope for and dream about. The steady career job that pays well. The 3 bedroom home. The wife and kids. So if I was hesitant to make contact with him over 25 years earlier, I sure am much less reluctant now.

I've always known my life was and is garbage. A horrible, pathetic, miserable existence. Somehow I just try to live through it. But upon learning how well my old friend was doing served only to magnify that fact a milllion times over in a split second. It was like a punch in the gut and a slap in my face.

When he has a holiday to celebrate, say a Thanksgiving or Christmas, he has a family of his own (as well as assorted friends and relatives) to spend those holidays with. Not to mention all the birthdays and anniversaries they all have to share together. When I have a holiday, a Thanksgiving or a Christmas, I'm spending those days all alone in my apartment, sitting in front of my tv watching the various holiday themed specials and movies they air all day long.

I dont get it. When we were growing up together, he mentioned nothing about being a police officer. Showed absolutely no interest in police work. I can see him getting a civil service job, sure. But as a mailman or a garbage man. Not as a police officer. When we were still hanging out, if you had told me that he would become a police officer, I would have told you that you were crazy. And Bill would have agreed with me! I have had many other friends around that time, and many of them I can see becoming police officers (one became a medical doctor and another a classical pianist), but not Bill. I wouldnt have thought that he would've had the aptitude and the discipline required for such work. Shows what I know. My emotions aside, its been a few years now since I've discovered whatever happened to him and I still cant wrap my brain around it. My old friend Bill a police officer. HOW in the heck did THAT happen???? Did the gods up in the heavens lose out on a poker game somewhere???? If you knew him as well as I did, you'd be stunned too.

I'm sure that his life isnt 100 percent perfect. But his life, with all its imperfections, is still a thousand times better than mine. Even if ever given the chance, I'm quite sure he wouldnt be willing to trade places with me or someone like me. And I couldnt blame him. No way would he be willing to trade his six figure salary, benefits and pension for my tiny disability money, medicare, and food stamps. No way would he be willing to trade in his ownership of his 3 bedroom condo for my one bedroom government subsidized apartment rental. No way would he be willing to trade his wife and kids for my loneliness. No way would he be willing to trade the pride, dignity, and self respect that comes with being a police officer, for the shame, embarassment and humiliation that comes with living on public assistance.

I still intend to not re-establish contact with him until after I have made something of my life so I can hold my head up. But what with the way things are still going, I'm kind of doubting that will ever happen.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Bookbuff!

I'm impressed that this encounter with your old friend happened several years ago (did I read that right?) but it impressed you so deeply and vividly. Far from pleasant, the encounter was traumatic. I certainly can understand about not wanting to reestablish contact.

...but at least his mother was not the mean, abusive, crazy psychotic that my mom was.

I imagine that's a huge, unspoken part of this story.

May you find the safety and confidence to explore yourself.

[bookbuff]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Bookbuff!

I'm impressed that this encounter with your old friend happened several years ago (did I read that right?) but it impressed you so deeply and vividly. Far from pleasant, the encounter was traumatic. I certainly can understand about not wanting to reestablish contact.

I imagine that's a huge, unspoken part of this story.

May you find the safety and confidence to explore yourself.

Hi. Thanks for the welcome.

Yes, the encounter occured several years ago.

My friend Bill also had an older sister (she lived in her own seperate apartment) that was one of the most nicest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I look back at it and obviously, Bill's mother was doing something right. One time, me, my friend Bill, his mother were all in the apartment of his sister. It was around 8 or 9pm when Bill's mother ordered me to go home. But his sister stuck up for me. She immediately turned on her mother, telling her that I was her guest in her home and that she, Bill's mother, had no such authority to kick me out of her apartment and that I was free to stay for as long as I pleased. (I wound up staying a couple more hours). I was stunned that Bill's sister would stick up for me and to her own mother. Not even Bill had the guts to do that.