[Gabu]

I feel so incredibly lost in what to do lately. Last school year I decided on two schools that I really wanted to go to in fall 2012, and during my year off to work as hard as possible to help raise money. I applied to places, but I only got one group interview to show for it, and that was last week. However I am really terrible at eye contact and I keep stumbling on my words whenever I have to talk. I was told that I'd get a call back in a week or two if I got the job or not. I went home and took a nap, then when I checked my email I discovered that it took HR 45 minutes to decide that I wasn't the right candidate. And that it was apparently a Sales position. Really, I'm so desperate for getting a job that anything that is essentially entry-level I'll apply to. But since I've never had an actual job before, seriously downplay the accomplishments I've made (since they're really not all that special anyway). The two other people there who never had a job before actually did important things and were younger than me.

But yeah where I'm going with this is that once I completed community college I'd take a year off to work and save that money for art school. May fades into October, and no job, and I felt so unstructured and miserable that I registered for a single class at the community college. Going there and back on bus fare and buying small things that I need has made me lose money from my bank account. I keep applying and try to do everything right, but nothing works.

Now I have 3 or 4 schools that are on my list, but looking at 4-year prices, it's just not looking good. Just under $100k for the cheapest school, +$200k for the most expensive. I am counting tuition, books, supplies, room, etc over a four year period. Currently, my bank account holds just over $1k, and falling. Three of the four schools are out of state, and the one school in-state is just far enough to justify me living there and being able to move out of this house, but is still really expensive. Which I feel like is something I absolutely have to do at this point, because my dad is going to retire in less than two years, and the house is just barely able to pay the bills as-is. Not to mention mom is gung-ho on having the house deed given to me when they both pass. And I feel as though if I don't move out of here that I'm going to be stuck here forever to keep my parents out of debt through working (if I even get hired anywhere to start off) and unable to do what I truly want to do.

In all honesty, I want to pursue a career in making comics, since I love writing and drawing. I even run my own webcomic, though in trying to gain more exposure through Project Wonderful (let alone anywhere else) haven't seen any significant improvement at all, and have lost money doing so. I put it out there, and yet am afraid of putting it out there too much, so as a result it never gets known in even a small way. Of course, a lot of people really don't understand the many genres of comic books are, and so make generalizations that feel humiliating, so I operate under pursuing a major in Animation, since I like that as well. At least with animation people are going to understand that there are more than one genre animation is used for!

I'm looking at financial aid in hopes that something will help me in being able to afford school. Unfortunately, I haven't really had anything fruitful pop up. Just a few $500 ones here and there, but nothing truly significant. I know about the FASFA, and about student loans, but even then would that cover the whole year. And even though I took about a year's worth of art courses at the community college, it doesn't sound like many will transfer over.

If I do miraculously get into school, though, I'd have to live in the cheapest housing available, which means I'd have to live with other people. I'm a very private person so I get extremely anxious or upset when people I don't know or fully trust invade space that I've declared to be my own, even in public. I tend to get angry if someone takes my usual seat or moves the layout around, though I never show it. I jump whenever I get startled visually, auditory, or unexpectedly touched. I rarely talk to other people because I am afraid that people will grow to hate me, talk about me behind my back, steal something, make fun of me, mock me, and even demand that I talk more. Eye contact, like I said, is horrible, so it's no wonder I can't get a job or a friend that isn't online.

I'm feeling like my life is completely hopeless now. It feels like I'm never going to get out of this town (as cliched as it sounds) and as a result never really grow up. In order to get out though, I'll need to get enough money in order to attend school, and get it fast before I am literally stuck here. And I don't want to be stuck here because if I can't get a job then I'll be a burden but if I do get a job I'll be expected (in part, since I do have older siblings, though they have their own families) to help pay my parents' bills and more or less care for them monetarily since I doubt they'd want to sell the house.

I'm sick of this. I don't want to have everything I do be either an abject failure or a completely unnoticed success. I get ignored when I try to bring up points or concerns that I have when I do get the courage to speak, yet someone else could say the same thing and not be ignored. I'm not confident enough to ask people for help since it always felt like such a bad thing in school and that one needed to find all the answers themselves. I can't talk to authority figures (even my own therapist and psychiatrist) without feeling incredibly scared.

It feels like nothing is ever going to get better, and that I'll be stuck in this awkward limbo of still being a child emotionally but physically an adult. I don't want that. I want to do the things that make me happy, but that's getting harder and harder because my work doesn't get a whole lot of attention at all. I want to be able to finally become an adult like what I've been trying to delay for over 2 years now because at the same time I am afraid that I will only get overwhelmed doing so. And when I get overwhelmed, I simply shut down. And that is only hurting me yet I can't seem to control even the feeling of being overwhelmed. It's like my life is ending when it should be at the point where it really gets going. That my adventure ends here, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm crying because I don't know what to do, and feel hopelessly trapped in a situation I might as well have created in the first place. My medicine is failing in helping, yet if I bring this up I'll likely be given a higher dosage or switched to a new medicine. Not like it really matters anyway. I still don't give myself the chance to help myself.

Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Anyone. Someone that can actually amount to something.

[Rohag]

Hello, Gabu!

Originally Posted by Gabu

I want to pursue a career in making comics, since I love writing and drawing.

Wonderful! I hope you can find a way to do this even if it isn't your primary activity (for example, the animation idea). That is a worthy and worthwhile goal. Comics is something the world needs.

Originally Posted by Gabu

...when I get overwhelmed, I simply shut down.

Me too. This is incredibly frustrating and embarrassing. I was not always this way, but a time came when the depressive foundation of this trait grew so strong that it took hold.

Do you have access to trusted vocational and financial counselors who could advise you based on all you have to bring to this struggle, both the positive and the negative? Finding practical help may be what you need at this point.

[Ygrec23]

Gabu,

I don't know where you are and I don't know what kind of community resources you have available to you. All I can go on is what's available here where I live, in a place where the government is incredibly stingy with paying for help for its citizens. Yet we still have (and I personally use) their free and very sophisticated training in both how to get into the school you want and also how to get the job you want.

Here's the essence of what I'd like to say: There are incredibly talented and highly knowledgeable people out there, working for government agencies that help people to get into school and/or get jobs. I am very, very impressed at their sophistication and their very astute plans about how to get each person into the situations they wish to have. So far as I know, such knowledge is by no means at all limited to where I live.

People in your area have to know these same things. And if you learn from them they will teach you tricks about getting into schools and getting jobs that I, for one, would never have thought of myself in a hundred years. It costs me nothing, I've found out, to have these people work with me and for me. All paid by the government.

There may well be such people and agencies in your area too. I would strongly suggest to you that your first great effort has to be finding such people within a reasonable distance from your home and determining how you can get their services.

If you tell me the state or country you live in we can take this discussion further. I wish you all the best. Take care.

[Gabu]

*huuuuuuuuuuuuug* Thank you for the advice and support. What I can do currently is see an academic adviser at the school I'm currently going to and hope that something comes out of that.

I live outside of Chicago, which means that there probably isn't as many agencies within the area that helps with jobs and school. I could definitely search around though.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Gabu

I live outside of Chicago, which means that there probably isn't as many agencies within the area that helps with jobs and school. I could definitely search around though.

Thanks for the hug! But I live in the country too, about 75 miles one way and 100 miles the other way to a big city. So these kinds of agencies aren't limited just to big cities. You ought to look through the phone book of your county seat. From beginning to end of the "County," "State" and "Federal" listings. Looking for anything related to jobs or employment.

The place to check out as to school admissions would be your local community college placement office. You could also talk to one of the guidance counsellors at your local high school. THEY should know about ALL these places. That's really their business.

Don't think only on the downside, the negative side. There's no reason there shouldn't be agencies of this kind to help you. Keep in mind that the more people with jobs and good schooling, the more people will stay local and become local taxpayers. Things are tight all over, I know full well. But jobs and schools aren't "frills." They are necessities. Not only for individuals such as you or me, but for communities that don't want to die. Take care!