[MyEyesMySoul605]

Ever since I can remember I've always strived to be the best that I could be at whatever I put my mind to..but always fell short. I was diagnosed with a rare disease at birth called GoldenHar syndrome...I won't go into extreme details, but the gist of it is one side of my body is extremely assymetrical and underdeveloped. Some people notice and others don't. I have low self-esteem. I guess it's this condition that drove me to do better but I never have been able to. Never could get my mother to show me love, didn't finish high school, in and out of legal trouble, lost my first and only job and flunked out of college. I was trying to accomplish so much and dealing with my mom and stepdad at home didn't make things any better. My relatives either dislike me or think I'm strange. I can't help who I am I just want someone to understand me. I have to fight off bouts of tears everyday, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm unmedicated and uncounseled and have been since I was forced to move to a different state. At one point I prostituted to keep from falling too far down financially because no one would help me. No one in my family knows. Down here I don't know anybody, I'm so lonely I just want to find my niche and people who will accept me. Struggling financially I have my own apartment but in fear of losing it soon I don't want to be stranded here. I have a boyfriend but it's a difficult-to-explain relationship. We're from the same town, but have never met as he moved away from there at the same time I did and we connected through a social networking site...he's seen me in pictures but never in person. He claims to love me, I'm so scared when he meets me he won't like me anymore because of the disease I was born with. Somedays are better than others, some days I can look in the mirror and be happy with myself and other days I wish I could be somebody else. I just want to do something right for once and have un-failing confidence. I'm a screw up and my family reminds me of that by bringing up things that I did years ago and still try to forgive myself for. I don't understand why every day has to be a challenge for me when everyone else breezes through them like it's nothing. I want to have fun, feel pretty, go out in social settings and not recluse. I hate myself for this I want to change so bad but I don't know how.

Writing is one of my greatest loves, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

[roads]

Writing is one of my greatest loves, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

I know--or know of--so many people of such diverse backgrounds who say this.

Im sorry your family has caused you such sadness. Mine was the same, especially after my mother died. I got tired of hearing what a rotten daughter I'd been, and finally I disowned them all. Well, not in a formal declaration ... I just quit having anything do with them. I totally withdrew. They thought I was an odd, twisted, strange person anyway ("Not really like anyone in OUR family of course"). It was Good Riddance both ways. Hurts, not having family, but on the other hand I don't miss the abuse.

I have a friend disfigured in a fire & obese genetically who fell in love with a beautiful young women he met online. After two years of corresponding, she asked to meet. He was terrified. They now have three kids (one named after me) & will celebrate 16 yrs in Feb. You just never know.

I hope you can get therapy again. I think it would really help.

But write a lot, that will help. Post here on all the forums that apply. Things will begin to sort themselves out.

Take care. Be good to yourself.

P.S.
You say, "I don't understand why every day has to be a challenge for me when everyone else breezes through them like it's nothing."

I think everyone has challenges. Some people attack life with the attitude of "breezing through." That's just their way. Doesn't mean they don't drink like fish or cry themselves to sleep. My coworkers, for example, don't have a clue how hard it is sometimes for me to just get thru a shift--my work "makeup" is quite excellent!

The grass is so seldom greener on the other side ... it just looks that way.