[Shadow-world]

I have been away from PC for while so I thought I write a little update on what has happened to me over the last few weeks.

I went to South India for three weeks and although I had quite bad anxiety / a breakdown when I first arrived, which I often had in the past when I was somewhere new and hadn't had much sleep, I managed to stay on and eventually really enjoyed the trip.
For the first time in a long long while I felt fully alive and felt I engaged more with my senses and myself and really picked up.

Now I've been back in the UK for over a week and although it had been going mainly fine, I can feel how I'm sliding back to where I was a few weeks and months ago.
I was really determined to keep up my better frame of mind and have burnt incense, listened to Indian music and also want to get more into meditation and take myself back to the memories and better places where I'd been whilst away.
However, today I barely managed to work, my mind is almost shutting down (I find it hard to type even this post), I feel increasingly numb and lethargic and I am so so scared I might go back to the place I'd been in for so many months this year. I can feel how I'm going into depressed mode again. Especially during the summer I'd so often toyed with the thought of ending it all and felt completely and utterly overwhelmed by everything. I really can't go there again.

I have many existential questions now as well: What is our capacity for undergoing real change?
Have I changed or am I just making myself believe in this? If so, what is the point?
Can we change profoundly if we believe in ourselves more and in having the strength and ability to transform ourselves? I might have to strengthen my faith even more then.

I am also worried that something is very wrong with me. I tend to desperately look out for people and get their attention if they don't seem interested or are unavailable, and as soon as they show some interest, I run a mile and fend them off. I think this is also called avoidant and dependent personality disorder. I thought I got over it, but I am not sure now.
I just become obsessed with a person and pursue them even if I thus emotionally hurt myself.
Today I got a clear indication again that the other person doesn't want this.
Am I a freak or crazy or why do I feel driven to do these things? I am worried.

Has anybody got any ideas on how I can get back to my better place and halt sliding all the way down?

I'm sorry if the post sounds a bit self-centred, but I feel the need to talk about this and the PC community has grown a lot on me and I really appreciate the people here and the mutual support.

Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts on the above. I hope it doesn't just thought completely crazy, especially my obsessions and how I 'pursue' someone I like etc.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

I went to South India for three weeks...
For the first time in a long long while I felt fully alive and felt I engaged more with my senses and myself and really picked up.

Wonderful! You felt fully alive There and Then. I too have a There and Then. Of course, Here and Now are not There and Then.

On the one hand, I've had a little success in keeping something of my There and Then alive through rituals, calendars and habits (quirks?). On the other, unfortunately, my weak hold on There and Then does little for me in the practical, daily struggle against depression.

I'm sorry. I wish I had something better for you.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Shadow world ))))))))))))))