please help me I think I'm having a breakdown.

Please someone tell me what to do, my cpn called and I put on a cheery voice and said I was all super duper and happy. The second I got off the phone in reality I burst into tears and felt so alone. She doesnt understand. She was the last person to understand and now I feel like she doesn't. I feel like I have noone irl to turn to.

I just can't stop crying and hurting myself and thinking the most horrible things.

I keep asking myself the oh so common question "why?" and wishing I could have the old, happy me that used to stand in the place of this pathetic sixteen year old who already can see my life if going down the drain and I'm going to be a complete failure.
Before it looked like my life was set. I got my gcse results and got straight A's in every single subject despite having depression! Everyone was so proud, heck, I was probably even proud of myself back then! But it all crashed when I started my A levels. I failed 3 out of 4 subjects completely. I have given up unintentionally. I no longer have any motivation, I skive lessons, I do no work, I am letting everyone down. But my complete stubbornness means that I will under no circumstance allow myself to admit that to anybody. I have such an impossible want, no, NEED for everyone to think everything is perfect, and to not disappoint anybody. Ever. I am such a stupid perfectionist that I totally freak out if things aren't 100% perfect or under control. I stick to my lists now to help that though.

I have also isolated myself from everyone. Whig makes me feel even more alone.

Right now I think I need help. I'm sat here and I feel numb. I've lost all my cares about anything. I feel completely empty. I cry and cry and cry and i am completely petrified about everything. I just want to hurt myself. Then I think horrible thoughts. I can't tell anyone though, mum will get angry and think I've stopped taking the Prozac. Which I havnt, It does nothing but I take it nonetheless. I just can't let people down by letting them know I'm not okay.

I literally can't breathe. I cry until I can't anymore, until it exhausts me. I want to end it all but that defies all my hard work to keep everyone thinking everything's okay and to keep everything under control. I have to keep everything under control.

But now I think I'm having a breakdown. I'm think I'm going insane inside my own head. I can't cope with all these overwhelming emotions. I feel lost. I don't know what to do.

I think the thoughts have unintentionally become plans.
I need to calm myself down I'm getting a bit hysterical here. I just need to know how. I need help. I just daren't reach out and admit I need it. But I do. Very much so. I can't cope.

hey. i might not know much, but it sounds like you need therapy- and maybe a new medication- or at least a higher dose. i wish you the best of luck.

I get therapy but don't connect to them or feel like I can speak to them which I really don't no what to do about.
They lowered my dose a couple of months ago because they raised it, then I got loads worse, so they put it back, which is stupid because they changed it in the first place because it did nothing. But I just leave them to it I won't question them, I guess they know what they're doing even if it seems otherwise.

(((((Jesse95))))) Very sorry for your suffering. You might try to print out your post and share it with your doctor. If you can't be honest with your doctor they can't help you. Good luck and keep posting.

jess95.I am going thru the same thing right now,the depression is overtaking my life and I too feel the same as you do.I know I will get thru it,but it seems like I wont...The pain is deep and I feel lost..I have been this depressed before and all I can say to you is keep interacting with someone somewhere...

Hello, Jess95!
This is a sign you need to talk to someone. Please don't hesitate to reach out to a help-line or other resource. Your safety is of the highest importance.

Samaritans.org - UK & Republic of Ireland
Befrienders Worldwide
Lynn P.’s Concise List of Crisis Advice

If you can't connect with your doctor, you can find another one. It's vital to have a doctor you can talk to, also one who can try different meds to see which one works best for you. Everyone's different, and I tried 3 meds before I found the right one. Again, it's essential you talk to someone you can totally trust and confide in, if your current doc isn't working, I know it's tough, but you need to find one that works for you and is 100% there for you.
These thoughts you're having, it's the illness, it's not you - get treatment immediately - go to the ER if you're feeling unsafe.

Please take the advice that Rohag has offered.

Samaritans.org - UK & Republic of Ireland
Befrienders Worldwide
Lynn P.’s Concise List of Crisis Advice

These websites are places you can connect with. You need to connect with someone who can offer you solutions.

I wish you felt that you could contact your doctor or your CPN & say you are in crisis, but I do understand if you feel that you can't do that now.

Thankyou for your replies! It's so amazing to have people who understand and actually seem to care. I'm going to email my CPN, I think. It's just they're not in work for Christmas, so my support systems are down completely, especially as its Christmas so I can't possibly ruin it for my family!
I know I need to do something though, I can't keep carrying on living like this.

I think the Christmas weekend is what has every one in a tizzy. We know the doctors are closed and the only support system left is family...yet we don't want to ruin a day that is supposed to be cheerful and fun. so we are all trying to fake it until monday, but that's like asking a monkey to pretend to be an elephant all weekend. I hope I can be that elephant for the sake of my son.

Jess, sometimes, you don't always "click" with the first therapist. I had a great therapist in college, but when I wanted to return to therapy, I struggled to find someone I felt I could trust and be comfortable with. I saw three people before I found my current therapist. Maybe you need someone else?

Hey Jess,

Do you not have a "response team" you can call? Your CPN should of told you about them. I have on my appointment card from my CPN a list of numbers I can call when out of hours.

How are you feeling today?

Yeah but I've never rang. It seems a bit stupid of me to go crying to a total stranger.
Today I feel all sorts all at once, I feel trapped if that doesn't sound stupid.
Im scared.
I am really not coping, but I am so stubborn that I tell myself I can deal with it, even though I can't.
I feel like a zombieeee.
I think I had some weird panicky freak out at a party last night and I felt so stupid. I felt so trapped and I couldn't breathe, I started pulling my hair out, then I was rocking back and forth. I was all agitated and had to go outside and just breeeeathe lots and stop myself from crying, it was horrible. Is that normal??

Hey Jess,

I think you need to call the response team. What you experienced last night isn't normal.

I have called the response team before and all they do is ask who your cpn is, your name, where you are, are you in danger and listen to what is happening to you. Nothing too scary. I needed prompting from 1 of my friends in order to do it. But I am glad I did it

Hey Laura, thanks, I'll have to wait until Monday anyway if I did call. And hmm I occasionally do get like that, I just thought it was just kinda an unwanted part of this depression rubbish but it's awful. I think I might ring, are you sure it's not just a normal part of depression? I don't want to make a fuss, I'd feel guilty about bothering them anyway...

Hey Jess,

I have never experienced what you have when I am depressed but then again everyone is different. You can try calling the response team as they should be 24/7 or at least at certain times of the day should be an automated voicemail if they are shut. Remember there is the samaritians too!

You should be getting excited Jess Christmas is nearly here lol! Are you all prepared?

(((jess95))) Please print this up and share it with your therapist. Please I (and I am sure others here) are worried about you. You prob. need to switch meds or something. Please talk to her about this. And please keep us updated. [[hugs]]

Jess
Youre symptoms have really gone beyond depression and it is really important that you reveal what you have told us to a professional as soon as you can. When you have gone beyond your ability to cope as you have described you really need some intervention. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Have you got a prn med like klonopin, ativan, xanax to take? But as Miss Laura has encouraged, calling the response team would be a good idea at this point. There is no need to push yourself any further. Hugs to you.

i'm sorry to hear how you are feeling..
you are really putting too much pressure on yourself, feelings are what makes us human, and they are the thing which make this life worth living, you must not repress them as hard as you do.
you know you family or friend will be glad if they can help you with your problems, so you don't need to feel guilty for showing them your problems
i cried when my best friend was left by her bf, but still every time i could make her smile for a brief moment... it was like heaven to me
you need to work on why you aren't able to express your feelings to others, because that's what you need when you want help from others (and you surely NEED help from others... but there is no shame in that, remember!)

but you must not only find the right doctor for you, you must also recieve help from friends and family, for they are affecting you emotionally in a way a doctor could never do! (but of course, the doctor is also really important because he is a professional)
and i couldn't emphazise more how you need to quit your isolation... we humans are social being and we can't live without the others... physicly AND emotionally
always think about that there are people in this world that care about you...

Jess, please don't ever feel like you're "bothering" someone about your illness, or that you can't speak to a complete stranger - these people are trained professionals, and they will help you. You should not be going through this awful pain.
Think about it, if you fractured your leg, would you feel you were "bothering" the doctors? And you'd tell them how it feels, even though they'd be strangers. They'd be able to fix it for you. and if the first lot of medicine didn't work, they'd give you something else instead.
It's the same with your depression - you are entitled to be well, and there are people available to treat you, that is their job, and they would be thrilled to help you.
No one should have to walk around with an untreated broken leg, and no one should have to live with the pain of untreated depression.
There are ER's open on Christmas Day, if you are feeling unsafe just go to one and tell them and stay there where you are safe. There are also phone lifelines you can call. I wouldn't hesitate to call one of those, I did a couple of times and they were really fantastic to me.
Don't put up with this awful pain, you are entitled to proper treatment. HTH - let us know how you go. xxx

Thankyou so much everyone. I'm so sorry for wasting your time with me being stupid.
Kaliope- whats a prn med? I have Prozac if that's what you mean.
Laura - I think I can only ever get in touch with them mon-fri 9-5. So basically half the time I need them... She rang me and apologised because she said she feels like she's neglected me as my cpn lately, I agreed but didn't say anything. It'll be ages since I last saw her when I next see her (it's meant to be weekly appts but it'll be well over a month, maybe 2!). Then dr rai, A's much as he tries I don't feel like he is interested or cares.
Hottinroof- but if your leg wasn't really broken and you were just overreacting and being stupid, they'd just be annoyed at you. I feel as if I'm being stupid and time wasting.
I hope everyones had a good Christmas. xx

A prn med is one you take as necessary.
People on here give you their best advice. They're pretty much experts on when a person has gotten to a point where they can't take care of themselves any longer & really need to ask for whatever help is available. You say you "think" you can get hold of people only part time but Miss Laura suggests other numbers you might try. What's to lose?
I don't think it's anything to do with your being stupid. You aren't a bit stupid.
I guess when you decide you want help you have enough information on how you can probably get it. Don't you?

If you are being honest about what's going on with you, you need to get help now.

I think you should talk to her and tell her the truth even tho it hurts and may be embarrising....wishing you the best!

Jess, I don't understand. I assumed that you weren't being stupid and time-wasting - that you are actually depressed.

Your leg is either broken or not, you are depressed or not, and any doctor will happily do all the proper tests to find out whether you have a broken leg and whether you are depressed. Most doctors would be THRILLED to tell you there's nothing wrong, and happy to send you home.

Also, I don't know whether you've thought about this - but I am a stranger to you, and you are happy to tell me all about it. I'm just an ordinary person, I'm not even qualified to advice. So you'd be better off talking to a stranger who is a professional.

Just get help and get it now. Everyone has told you this yet you are still hesitating. You have nothing to lose, so just do it.

If you don't really need it, they will be happy to tell you and they won't be at all annoyed with you. They are professionals. It's their job to assess people and diagnose and treat.

Don't hesitate. Just do it.

Why did you tell your CPN you were happy? How can she understand you if you don't tell her how you really feel?