[bswc]

I had a breakdown early in 2010. It was the most horrible time of my life. After that i met a guy (i am in a same sex marriage in south africa) and we were married in June 2011. It was incredible in the first couple of months, but he beat me up 3 times, became abusive verbally and quit his job. All he does is obsess about gym and gives me hell if i don't pay for it. I pay for everything. I have been on Wellbutrin (450 mg a day), Lamator (200 mg a day). This past Wed we had a huge argument i told him to get his *** out of bed and find a job coz i cannot pay the cars, food, rent, bills etc anymore. We said awful things to each other. I told him to pack his bags and leave, he called me a ***** blah blah. We agreed to go for marriage counseling which starts next week. However the worst depression has been triggered in me again. This morning he says i told him i wish he were dead. While i could never say something so horrible I'm suddenly thinking...what if i did and don't remember. I am just not a good person. The last person i wished would die was my stepfather...and a couple months later he did. He abused me for years and i hated him...

[Amoslass]

Hey bswc,
I had a nasty breakup with my girlfrend last year (also same sex relationship)and was kicked out of the house. It was not abusive so I can't imagine the hell you are going through, but there is still pain there.
This does NOT sound like your fault sweety, you are obviously a sensitive and thoughtful guy.
Emotions are raw right now, yeah? I hope you have someone to talk to or are getting help finding someone to help, because you are hurting and you don't deserve to.

I'm wishing you some peace and space to work yourself out. Be gentle to yourself ok?

[bswc]

Originally Posted by Amoslass

Hey bswc,
I had a nasty breakup with my girlfrend last year (also same sex relationship)and was kicked out of the house. It was not abusive so I can't imagine the hell you are going through, but there is still pain there.
This does NOT sound like your fault sweety, you are obviously a sensitive and thoughtful guy.
Emotions are raw right now, yeah? I hope you have someone to talk to or are getting help finding someone to help, because you are hurting and you don't deserve to.

I'm wishing you some peace and space to work yourself out. Be gentle to yourself ok?

Thank you so much for the message. You are very sweet. I am hurting so bad and its so hard but am not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. I took my vows very serious and that is another thing conflicting inside of me now. Truth is i cannot keep this together anymore.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world.

[Amoslass]

Hey, your last message worries me. Please please don't give up, it's damn hard, it hurts, there is nothing but darkness, I know,but....you are a good person, you need love and support right now. As much as possible.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by bswc

Thank you so much for the message. You are very sweet. I am hurting so bad and its so hard but am not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. I took my vows very serious and that is another thing conflicting inside of me now. Truth is i cannot keep this together anymore.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world.

Hi bswc,

You took your vows seriously, but you did not know he would become abusive and treat you or the relationship in this way. This definitely sounds like an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. I urge you to step back and "take a break" from it. It sounds to me like you need some time to think. Have you been to a therapist? It sounds like it could help too since the thoughts of your abusive stepfather are still inside, even if much of the time they are burried. I can relate to that. I have found councelling helpful. Also ACA might be helpful (survivors of family dysfunction):
http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php
Sending supportive thoughts your way.