[Leah Jade Milano]

Could someone please help me?
I have some issues. Firstly, I am very awkward in social situations. I don't know what to say because I have nothing to say to people and I hate being fake. I never know how to make an intelligent or even normal reply to others. I get physically nervous when I am the center of attention, whether in class, in small social groups, around family, even in a conversation with another person. I sweat, blush, and feel VERY uncomfortable. It is hard for me to even go to the cafeteria and get food because I feel uncomfortable aruond people and don't like people looking at me. I take an hour getting ready to just go out for a few minutes making sure I look normal and okay. I JUMP when I'm in the elevator, and the elevator door opens and I see someone waiting to get in on the other side. Or when I turning a corner, and someone is on the other side just walking. I feel very self conscious in class so I don't speak because I don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable.

Secondly, I have literally no friends. I am in college, but I struggle with making connections with people. Whenever I'm around people, disregarding my uncomfortableness, because sometimes it's not there, I feel bored. PEOPLE GIVE ME NOTHING. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to care for people, not even my own parents. I don't feel deep attachments for anyone, I recieve barely any satisfaction from human interaction. I think I am capable of being happy from a friendship, but I can't be sure because the last time I had a genuine friendship was a decade ago at age 10.

Thirdly, I obsess over people. There's this person in my college who I have been obsessing over for the past 6 months. Everyday I wake up and he is literally the first thing in my head. I don't want to obsess over him, yet when I try not to think about him, it doesn't work. We don't even have an actual real life relationship besides a few words, but I wish wish wish that we did. I sometimes construct fantasies of what it would be like of we were friends because I am attracted to his personality a lot (I have a crush on him), but mostly its not fantasy. I'm just obsessed with him and keep on looking for him and wanting to see him and stalking his facebook profile. Maybe this will stop eventually, but then Ill probably find another person to obsess over.

When I wake up in the morning, I console myself by promising myself that I can take a nap after class. And when it's time to go to bed at night, it makes me unhappy that another day will just start in the morning. Sometimes, I feel like I am just rushing to finish everything and graduate college, but to be honest, I just feel like my life is over already. If college is supposed to be the best time of your life, then I can only imagine how much worse life will be after college. I'll just go to work everyday and then come home and be bored out of my mind with my life. The best part of my day is when I come back from class to my own room and can go under the warm covers and sleep.

Lastly, I have a rich fantasy world. When I can't find satisfaction from the outer world, I find satisfaction in my mind. I have imaginary friends (I'm like 20 yrs old), who have highly developed personalities and I talk to them in my mind and they talk back to me in my mind. They are my only respite. I don't know if everyone has this, but I feel so lonely all the time and they offer me comfort from this loneliness.

So, how is this possible? How can I want a true friendship with someone, yet I do not get any satisfaction/happiness/anything from the relationships I do have (roommates, family, acquaintances)? If I have just one real friend who understood me, appreciated me for who I was, and influenced me for the better, I would be SO happy. I have NEVER had that. Ever. At the same time, when I'm around people, I just can't stand them. They are so annoying and vapid, I feel empty around them, and I just want to be alone.

Please tell me what you think.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Leah Jade Milano!

I cannot answer your questions about potential depression and personality disorders. As you are at a college, I imagine there's a counseling center, yes? If you could find it within yourself to approach them, screening for depression and personality testing might yield insights.

Apart from that, here is a self-screening test for depression:

Dr. Goldberg's Depression Screening Test

Also, there's the PsychCentral "Sanity Score" Test:

Sanity Score (Beta)
Sanity Score FAQ - Read First!

These tests are for screening, not real diagnosis. They may get you going in the right directions.

[Leah Jade Milano]

In your opinion, what might be the underlying theme I should be paying attention to? Or does anyone have a similar experience and might be able to give advice? I would reallyyy appreciate any comments.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

In my own experience with my recovery, I believe that depression is a mood or a condition brought on by chemical imbalance.

A personality disorder is something I believe we can change with changing our thinking and also recognizing what we might have gone thru growing up and then working thru it around enlightened, skilled people such as therapists or other experts/peers.

I cannot answer for you what you have.

Just my thoughts.

Billi