He Can't Cry

Yesterday was the first therpay session for my husband. He was diagnosed many years ago & put on Lexapro by our PCP - he never saw a therapist.

Now things have spiraled out of control & he is in a desparate situation. Yesterday we went to therpay - and he said he can't cry. He has a horrific story of childhood abuse - but he can't cry.

Is this normal? When he does cry - will he be able to stop?

Thanks!

((((PR & Hubby))))

Purple-

I hadn't cried in several years, until my first EMDR session last year..afterwards, I did not feel sad, but my eyes kept "leaking" for about 12 hours. It was like all the emotions needed to come out. But once they did..they were not nearly as strong as they had been. I think that his body knows what it needs right now..and it will know when it's "safe" to cry. He is lucky that you are so supportive of him, and that he is finally getting help for this!

Hi Purple, I am female and rarely cry. One T I talked to said that anti-depressants some time have that effect. I am so glad he is therapy. It may bring on some difficult times, but hopefully he will come out a much relieved person over time. I am sorry he has had such a rough time in life...almost all on here have gone through lots of traumas so you are in a good place to have others to lean on. take care, hugs, bj

Men are so programmed not to cry early on ... Boys Don't Cry ... Crying's Only For Girls ... I feel that had whatever powers that be not meant for boys and men to cry then they wouldn't have tear ducts ... Nothing makes me any angrier than to see a mother or father telling their little boys not to cry when they're hurt ... As if that skint knee or bump on the noggin' isn't just as painful for them as it is for a little girl ... Oops! ... There I go again ...

At any rate ... If your husband is ever able to get in touch with his tears, it may seem like they're never going to stop flowing, but eventually they will, and then it will be easier for him to express all the ranges of emotions that human beings (male and female) have without feeling any shame about it, and he'll be healthier for it too ...

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

Thanks so much all!! He has to write the letter to his mom (she is still alive & lives in Pennsylvania - we live in California) - and he remembers only horrific events. In fact, when I talk with him about his childhood - he can't remember a single happy event - like a birthday party or Christmas.

It makes me cry to just hear the things she did to these small children.

As he writes the letter - I'm afraid other memories will surface & he may become emotionally overwhelmed. I would like to be here to support him if that happens. I have to start a new job on Tuesday - so I may encourage him to start the letter tomorrow.

I hope he can cry someday, so he can get well.

My husband is the same way. He was brutally abused. Normally he copes pretty well, and a person would have to dig deep beneath the surface to know he has any issues. My therapist explained, in my husband's presence, why this happened to him. Contrary to what I thought, it wasn't "I got beaten for showing emotion, so now I'm subconsciously scared to." As T put it, "His father didn't beat him for being emotional. His father beat him for being alive." Husband's clam-up response wasn't "I'm scared," but more "I won't give you the satisfaction." If he had cried, his abusive father would have won, displaying his dominance. Hubby showed, "You're not going to break me down."

I too was squelched for a number of years, but gradually my emotional range was restored to me. It took hubby a while to realize that when I cry, I am not necessarily having a meltdown, or freaking out. It's just an emotion. But he had choked it off for so long, he thought everybody else did too.

The only time I ever saw tears fall from his eyes was when the elderly cat pictured in my avatar died. She was a sweetheart, and we both loved her dearly. He didn't go into massive sobs. That's not his style. Just a few quiet tears, but for the first time in our relationship, he didn't hide them from me or deny it.

There is hope that an "iceberg," as I call people who can't cry, can melt.

OH MY GOSH!! Love Birds - that is exacltyy what he said last night.

We were reading in bed & talking & he told me that his Mom would beat him (with a belt - buckle side) and tell him to cry. He refused - she would only stop when SHE was exhausted.

DH said the exact same words - "I wouldn't cry because then she would win".

I know we have a long road ahead of us - just knowing there are others out there is a comfort.

We had a 17 year old Maltese - that had many, many health issues. When he refused to eat - we knew it was time to give him peace. That was the only time in 15 years that I saw my husband cry. It too was not gut wrenching sobs like me - just tears.

I got a little of that too. I distinctly remember being 9 years old, and my mother was taking a belt to me. I held my breath to keep from crying. She kept smacking and smacking, re-folded the belt and tried again, still nothing out of me. Finally she gave up, tossed the belt in the air in frustration, and stormed out of the room. I felt as if I had "won." Never again did I cry when she hit me. Whether the belt or a slap in the face, I'd just give her a stony look.

Not only this, but there was a constant overtone of "If you don't stop crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about." "Wipe that frown off your face." "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." "If you're good and don't cry, I'll take you out for ice cream." I was not allowed to show any emotion other than contentment. The result of all this was, I had to have therapy to be able to cry for my youngest daughter--a year and a half *after* she died. I had gone several years without being able to. To this day I cannot cry in front of my mother, no matter what happened, no matter how horrible and abusive the thing was she said to me, no matter who died.

If you don't stop crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about.

Can I relate to that LovebirdsFlying. That may play a role in my ability also to cry, not just the meds. Thanks, bj

i use to hear that when I was a child - along with "Get that look off your face or I'll slap it off!"

My DH was beaten daily & his Mom would scream at him to cry - he refused. Now we're dealing with his inability to cry.

Last night he said that thinking about all of this - is making him really hate her.

^^Can't blame him. I think I hate her too.

I appreciate the support.