[Foolish]

As some of you may remember I am in love with this girl Erin and it seems to be an endless relationship of love, hate, and good times. I told her that I was in love with her, and told her that even though I knew nothing could happen between us I needed her to tell me that in her own words to my face. It happened in a field at night this summer and after she told me I resisted the urge to crumple over and die, instead I got up, and walked away. She freaked out and was so worried but when she put her hands on my shoulder and I shrugged them off and said "Just let me go" she broke down and went back to her house where my other former good friend Jonny comforted her until I returned a few hours later. Needless to say it was so overwhelming and destroyed me and here I am 4 months later trying to re-kindle our once good friendship full well knowing that I am going to end up getting hurt in the end. She is so amazing, and I can't be with her. It literally hurts me to even think about that night or her. I saw her at soccer the other night and it was 10 minutes of hell while talking to her and I don;t know why it was so intense to me, but it consumed me. I don't know what it is that I should do because I can't tell myself "No, don't hang out with her" because she is the most amazing individual I have ever met. I think I am addicted to pain honestly and our relationship excudes pain all the time even if we have the greatest time I go home feeling like crap knowing there is no future there. I have so much to offer her but she will never get to see that side of me because of her being a Christian and me being a dumb freaking hethan. I suck at getting to know God and it's really tough for me to get into learning about him when my mind is so clouded by depression. I could go on and on about how lovely she is but I don't want to waste anymore space. I love her.

Ian

Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice