[DizzeeKyle]

When I was 16/17 I was betrayed by a group, of what I would have considered at the time, close friends. I was small for my size throughout school so naturally I was picked on a lot by the bigger guys. I was bullied a lot and there were nights I was crying myself to sleep. This didn't do a lot for my self esteem so I already had trust issues with a lot of people and I never really understood the point of parties or social events around that age (my mentality was "Why should I? I'll just have someone wanting to pick a fight with me because I'm small") But I did find a group of friends that I got really close with who eventually ended up stabbing me in the back. Just when I finally thought I'd found people that understood me and I could relate to. I was friends with this person for 3 years. I wont go in to much detail, but the root cause for this betrayal was jealously. These 'friends' also managed to get my family involved with the wrong group of people.

Ultimately I was messed up in the head after this. I did something really stupid as an act of vengeance but it left me feeling worse. I got paranoid and I felt like everyone was talking about me. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I got my first feelings of anxiety and then the depression set in. Alcohol was introduced in to my life which didn't do me any favors either.

4 years on and I've been coping with my depression. It's mild and its no where near as severe as what some other people get. The anxiety is pretty much gone. I go exercising and I go out a lot more with friends from university. But I just feel so different from everyone else from all the experiences that I've had and all the pain I've felt and I don't think anyone will ever understand what I went through and how I felt. I look at some people and think "Why couldn't it have happened to them? Why did I have to suffer? I didn't do anything bad to anybody."

There are days when I feel good about myself but its all the other days in between. Some days I just feel so down for no reason. So I've arranged to go and see a councilor at my university and speak to him about my feelings and how long I've been coping with this. I've put off going to see someone for a long time now. I'm just so tired now, I want it to end. I just hope it helps me now.

[dailyhealing]

Counseling can definitely help, and you certainly aren't alone. There are millions of people who suffer from depression and anxiety. But yes, I get that in the "real world" it feels very isolating when people are all putting on their happy faces. The truth is that some of them have suffered/are suffering too. I hope you do find people who understand your feelings and what you have gone through. I am 42 and went through a great deal of pain and depression/anxiety/alcohol and drug abuse in my teens and early 20s. Of course I still have emotional pain in my life at times, but I have found people who understand. And I have healed some from that pain. Going to a counselor is a GREAT step. I hope you find some peace and that you will keep us updated on how you are doing.