I've lost about 6 years and I don't want to lose anymore

A little more then 6 years ago my father died of cancer. I'd always been a daddy's girl so losing him was like losing everything. I was only 12 at the time. I tried to be strong. I went back to school after only a week. I've never really been sure why I went back so soon. I think I felt like I had to, and maybe I just needed a distraction.

Everything seemed to go down hill from there. I was never the best student, but I did most of my work and got good grades. When I came back though none of it really seemed to matter. I stopped dong most of my work and my grades dropped. That summer was the first time in my entire life I had to go to summer school.

A lot of the time when no one was talking to me specifically I'd remember he was gone and just start crying. My friends would always say I should go home, but I never understood why. I didn't want to get even more behind so I stayed. Someone later told me they were probably just uncomfortable with me crying.

At almost the end of the school year I was having a really bad day. I'd just started my period and my mom hadn't really told me much about it so I didn't even know if it was safe to sit down. I had really bad cramps and I was just plain scared. My friends called me over to their table when I walked into school but I really didn't want to talk to them so I just stood in front of my first class waiting for it to start.

Later that day at lunch the girl I had always looked up to and my best friend came up to me and told me I needed to get over it. They said I was sad too often and I needed to smile. I felt utterly betrayed. It hadn't even been a half a year and they wanted me to get over losing the most important person of my life!?

After that I begged my mom to let me go into home school. I got in a month or two late and then had trouble with one of my subjects and so started my high school life already behind. I never did catch up. At the end of 12th grade I still had about half a semesters worth of credits I still needed, luckily my teacher let me come back to finish. I graduated just before winter brake last year(2011).

But the entire time between the end of middle school and now I've really had no friends. I eventually found a friend on the internet I talk to, but I'll randomly stop talking to her for months at a time when I feel like I can't talk to her anymore. We still talk casually now, but I can't talk in depth with her anymore because I feel judged, even when she clearly isn't judging me.

I got into anime (which are Japanese cartoons though they can be meant for people older then just kids) and manga (which are Japanese comics) as well as regular TV and books. I spent hours and hours and hours just watching something or reading something.

I usually spent four or five days a week doing that and right before I had to go take tests at school(once a week) I'd do all my homework(in only a day or two). Now I have some time off before I need to start collage, and I really just have too much time to think. I'm starting to lose interest in the stuff I read or watch, not that its bad quality or anything I just can't keep focused enough to see a story to the end.

Most days I don't even get dressed, or brush my teeth, or even take a shower. I have no motivation to do anything anymore, and I've gained around 80 pounds since middle school(which is quiet bad since I've grown maybe 2 inches at most and I was already over weight).

I feel like I've lost all my motivation and purpose for life. I'm really scared that this is going to continue and I wont take collage serious enough. I need to get a good job, everyone else in my family is poor and getting poorer fast. but I know if I stay the way I am now I wont make it past the first semester.

I want to see a professional to get help but we can't afford it. A very nice person on a different forum has been telling me about other possibility's I might be able to find in my area and I still haven't given up on convincing my mom to take me to someone, but even if either of those work it probably wont happen for a while, and I need help. Someone suggested I post here and I figured it was worth a shot.

Maybe talking to someone will help. I'm really not sure what I'm doing anymore. I posted this in the grief forum as well.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's surely depression and you need treatment. You are quite strong person who continued studies in such mental condition. I wish things get better for you.

Hello & Welcome, LonelyTree!

I do not believe your past six years have been wasted. Their value and meaning, though, may only become apparent to you down the road.

Once you are in college, you should have free or low-cost access to a student counseling center. Given your history, you might do well to make getting that counseling a priority. In order to make the most of your college years, it is important to develop a good sense of who you are, your strengths, talents and limitations -- depression may be a limitation and successful planning will take that into account. Of course, this is all something you should work out with professionals.

Again, welcome! Please keep posting.

I'm really sorry you are in so much pain! I hope you will find a way to get some treatment, it sounds like you know you need it. I can't give you a diagnosis of course, but what you describe makes me think you are depressed. I hope you can find a way to get some help, and I'm glad that there is someone on here helping you figure out alternate ways to do that. Also, I agree withRohag in that these past 6 years were not wasted. In retrospect, I am grateful for many of my most horrible years (and there were many of them!) because I was growing during that time in ways that I did not realize at the time. I wish you well, and I hope you will keep posting on here.

I cannot imagine what you've been through. Losing your father at such a young age is just beyond horrible, especially since you were so close to him. I'm so very sorry for that.

People grieve in their own way, and for you it simply took a little longer. I cried on the anniversary of my friends death, which was the 1st. I miss her.

You suffered a profound loss that most people don't understand - no matter their age. Many expect you to "bounce back" to the way you were, not realizing that such a loss takes such a toll on you. I say - to heck with them!

Here's a site that might help you with getting some medication.
http://depression.about.com/cs/finda...elowcosttx.htm

Don't think of this as losing six years - think of it as a new beginning. You've dealt with a lot, and are still dealing. But you are here, and you're pushing forward. You will be OK, and we're here to help!