[Lightguy87]

Hello,

I'm brand new to this forum. I've been diagnosed with depression been on and off medications since middle school. I'm 25 now and about 2 months ago depression reared its ugly head hard. I live across country from my family my mom flew out to help me find a doctor to get me therapy and medication. I was put on lexapro and was doing fine. I stopped the therapy because my insurance doesn't cover it and my employee assistance program therapist was awful.

What led to my break down? When I moved Across country I did so for work. I had a decent network of friends, a girlfriend from back home moved out here with me. All was good for about 2 years. Then my girlfriend and I broke up, she left town. Then my friends all left town for other jobs. I moved to a new job where my coworkers aren't as friendly as the last ones. I did start to briefly date a girl from work that's the same age as me (who is on the same department as me, I know huge mistake.) she turned on me all of the sudden stood me up a few times and next a new she was dating a 50 year old man in a different department from work. This doesn't stop her or her good friend (45 year old woman) in our department from giving me attitude and making my life uncomfortable. I felt like my entire social network fell apart on me.

I have a couple of hobbies. I love to grow coral, and am apart of a club here in town for it but no real social connections are made there.

I love to scuba dive and try to go to the various dive sites around town when I can and have met a cool girl from one of those dives. I'm pretty interested in her but am not a hundred percent sure she is interested in me. I have pretty low self confidence when it comes to that sort of thing. She could be lying in bed naked next to me and would still question if she wanted it.

I have a hard time Putting myself out there. If you could be a potential customer of mine I have no problem going up to you and striking a convo about business. But if I'm just seeking a friendship from you forget it I freeze up.

Lately (with in the past 2 weeks)I have just felt so lonely and depressed. I try to fill the void in unhealthy ways. I've spent more money in strip clubs than I'd like to admit to the point that I'm broke and scraping by till the next pay check. Ive been drinking. Not to excess but by myself at bars, mainly hoping to meet some one but I always sit by myself. I got pulled over and arrested 2 weeks ago for reckless driving. I thank god I blew just under the legal limit.

I'm worried. Im afraid/ embarrassed to share some of this stuff with my family or doctor. I find my self having what if thoughts about suicide. I would never go through with it mainly because I wouldn't want to put my family through that. But wonder how it would play it. I don't want to share these thoughts with them because I don't want to be institutionalized.

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[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Lightguy87! I am concerned your drinking may be taking you in directions that won't help depression. I'm not talking about drinking in excess; alcohol, I read, is a depressant. I know I can't have alcohol due to my medications.

Just to rule out other medical possibilities, do you have access to a doctor?

[pegasus]

Hello Lightguy87, welcome to Psych Central!

You won't be institutionalized if you talk to a professional about your true feelings, they may point you in the right direction for support near you. Or they might help you get some counseling or a medication change. You sound like a sensitive soul and maybe a therapist could help you gain some self esteem and self worth. Let us know how you are.

[Lightguy87]

I do have access to a doctor. My insurance just doesn't cover therapists.

As far as drinking goes when I do drink it's usually 2-4 beers. I feel like I can't be social with out it which is sad I know

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