[Winter Moon]

I just... don't know anymore. If I ever knew, that is.

I'm tired of the up and down. I don't like reaching rock bottom, only to have the dirt crumble underneath me. It wasn't rock bottom - it was just a little cliff, see how much worse it can get? And every time I climb out of this hole I drop farther and farther when I slide back in.

Not even a month ago I was content with life to a degree, but now... Now I'm tired, and everything feels so distant like "who is this happening to? certainly it isn't me", and I'm making plans that I shouldn't be making, and if anything would make me happy it would be a bottle of something alcoholic, or a loaded gun, or something to make it all go away but I'm not sad just unhappy and so so so ****ing tired of this, of everything.

I'm functioning for the most part. I can laugh and smile, and I can get through work alright, and sure I can't find the will to look for a second job so i can support myself but everyone else looks at me and sees someone who's maybe a little shy but friendly and happy overall.

I don't know what I want. I want to get better so that I can be happy and look after my cat and my turtle and met my nephew/niece when s/he's born. But I also really just want to let this get worse and worse (because it will) and I just want to wait until I have the guts to end it myself.

I just don't know what to do, or what not to do, or even what to think. I'm just so tired. One way or another I wish it would stop...

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Winter Moon

Not even a month ago I was content with life to a degree, but now...

Down again. ***sigh***

Winter Moon, do you have any thoughts as to why depression is returning now?

Originally Posted by Winter Moon

...everyone else looks at me and sees someone who's maybe a little shy but friendly and happy overall.

But you know the truth. Is there anyone out there who would be able to handle your truth with care?

[feary]

I can relate Winter Moon

everything will work out fine for you

[Winter Moon]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Down again. ***sigh***

Winter Moon, do you have any thoughts as to why depression is returning now?

No idea. Other than it just does that.

Originally Posted by Rohag

But you know the truth. Is there anyone out there who would be able to handle your truth with care?

-shakes head- Nobody that wouldn't make it worse by caring. My mom would be nice about it but she thinks that depression in anyone less than 25 is a phase I think. And maybe my sister, but I am not going to talk to my pregnant sister about suicidal depression. And I'm not talking to my friend who still hasn't learned anything from the last time she poked her nose in where it didn't belong. There's no one, really. Well, no one who I haven't met online.

[turquoisesea]

I think it's important to talk about it and have a support system. Can you afford a therapist? At the very least that's someone you can call if things get overwhelming - if you don't have a support system of a family maybe getting one in the professional world could help.

I also find talking about it on places like PC could help a lot too. Sometimes it's hard to talk about depression to friends and family because they don't understand what it's like

[SSaysRelapse]

I find that talking about your own depression to friends and family in any kind of extended or detailed manner can be so difficult because of the bias they have towards you. They have seen you through rose colored glasses, they have seen you "normal" and when you all of a sudden reach out for help, so too often can the wrong or improper reaction be made.

[KellyJo]

This sounds veeery similar to how i've been feeling lately. As bad as this feeling is though, don't give up. Things will turn around. Don't let that hole swallow you up. keep climbing Winter moon.

[Winter Moon]

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I've gotten frustrated with my friend and thought to myself "why did you drag yourself into this against my wishes if you weren't going to even bother to TRY understanding it?!?!?" but for people who haven't really been through it, none of it makes sense and it all gets overblown.

And probably if they're going along thinking everything's fine, then discover all of the sudden that it isn't, that's a bit of a shock too.

@ Turquoise
Can't afford a therapist. I can't, my parents can't, and both of us together probably can't. And places like PC are fine but... it always just seems like whining or attention seeking to me. Not when other people reach out - I like to listen to and try to help other people - just when I do it. Gotta love double standards, right?

[SSaysRelapse]

The difficult thing I can certainly relate to is the inability to be as selfish as others. Yes, I mean selfish.

What I mean is, when a hundred people are walking down the street, you can bet that at least 80% of them are thinking about themselves in some way. Another 15% just got off, or are on, the phone with someone who is feeding their ego, and the other 5% are who I describe as the overly accepting.

While I do not condone that being selfish all the time is the way to go, we have to try that much harder to remind ourselves to be selfish when we need it the most...when it comes to asking for help, when it comes to psychological pain that we cannot bare, when it comes to relieving the pain holding us back. Sometimes being selfish is the only thing we can do to start to feel better.

[Winter Moon]

And a lot of the time, people don't reach out at all even though they know that the few people who know would worry a lot less if they did. Isn't that also selfish?

I don't like to believe that asking for help is being selfish. And if it is, then I'm even less motivated to do it. Selfish is one of those words that isn't associated with anything positive, at all, and I doubt you'll find one person out there that wants anything to do with it...